


It's a Choice; It's a Promise.

by EyesOfEnigma



Category: Mystic Messenger (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Intimacy, F/M, Fluff, Friendship, Happy Ending, Korean beauty standards, Love, No Smut, Opposites Attract, POV First Person, Planned fic, Reader Is Not Main Character (Mystic Messenger), References to Anxiety and Depression, References to Christianity, Religion, Romance, Slow Burn, So Much Friendship, Sort Of, V | Kim Jihyun After Ending (Mystic Messenger), V | Kim Jihyun Good Ending (Mystic Messenger), mature discussion about sex however, multiple forms of love, past emotional and verbal abuse, planned chapters, references to mental illness, the occasional swear, very brief love triangle
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-12
Updated: 2020-07-25
Packaged: 2021-03-03 22:55:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 72,034
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24673468
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EyesOfEnigma/pseuds/EyesOfEnigma
Summary: Hye-Jin had to be the shoulder to cry on when her best friend disappeared, reappeared, and waited for 2 years for her love to return. Now, with her photography career finally picking up some traction and the mysterious V returned, she gets to meet the R.F.A., the organization and colourful cast of characters she's heard so much about. Years of emotional repression and an actions-better-than-words attitude makes her a textbook fit for the line-up of such an unusual group, but she isn't prepared for the vulnerability that an opposite personality can draw out in her as a carefully-kept secret lies just out of sight.(Wow, that was dramatic. Did I hook you?)Chapters planned, pre-written, and released regularly.
Relationships: 707 | Choi Luciel/Original Female Character(s), 707 | Choi Luciel/Reader, V | Kim Jihyun/Main Character, brotherly 707 | Choi Luciel & Choi Saeran
Comments: 35
Kudos: 103





	1. I

The days after a downpour were the best for taking photos. Every street corner had a new puddle with its own story to reflect, and I was especially fond of the ones next to trees or odd folks waiting at the bus stop. I crouched low to line up a shot from down a narrow alley, outlooking an oak tree in full autumn orange. After shifting around for the perfect framing of the alley walls and fiddling with the aperture, I took a few shots and pushed myself back up to scroll through them again. Cradling the long lens in my hands made the cold nip of mid-October apparent, even though my knitted fingerless gloves mostly shielded me from the damp chill. A stray patch of my unkempt black bangs drifted into my vision only to be cast away with a puff of stubborn breath. I was due for a haircut soon, though I heard the echo of my mother’s loving tone begging me to grow it long again.

A slow stream of air left my nose as my posture deflated; I wanted to stay out among the watered streets for longer, but I had somewhere to be. Leave my fabulous luck to have a day off from work after a good rain only to have a previous engagement. Only for my closest friends would I do this, and I only had one close friend.

This area of the city wasn’t overly urban or crowded, making the neighbourhood of apartments and flats rather lovely among frequent greenspace. It was a bit of a maze, but I had already visited a few times since Min-Chae moved into her charming two-bedroom flat. It was no secret between the two of us why she’d done so, and her efforts came to fruition when her lover finally returned from his long journey. I’d been there when she disappeared off the face of the earth for a couple weeks, I believed her when she returned with the wildest of tales about cults and saving a man from a toxic relationship, and I was the shoulder to cry on when she pined after him from afar for two years while concealing her duress from her new found family.

At last, I was meeting the in-laws, so to speak. Min-Chae wanted to introduce me to Jihyun as soon as he returned, but I insisted that she settle in and relax for a few months first. Now, since all the others in this little club of theirs wanted to have a proper get-together, I’d have to learn a few extra names. I was certain they were all lovely, but I wasn’t exactly the most engaging of conversationalists and I grew tired of rowdy company quickly.

I stopped only once more to snap a few shots of two strangers on a bench near the bus stop, having to scurry over to get permission and then sprint back to line them up in rule of thirds. Once upon a time, asking for permission to take pictures of strangers was the most awkward part of my day, but now it was so usual it was like brushing my teeth, and most were extremely polite or even flattered. Finally, I coaxed myself towards Min-Chae’s building and pressed the buzzer for her flat.

“Who is it?” came her singsong reply through the old, rough speaker next to the buzzer.

My brows lowered, but I smirked, pushing back. “Guess, _eonni_.”

Min-Chae’s laughter chimed even with the terrible com speaker. “C’mon up.” She let me in, and I worked my way up five flights of stairs. Running around and walking everywhere had made me pretty wiry, but my thighs still burned from the strain. I definitely could’ve taken the elevator, but it was a matter of principle. I paused to huff for a few moments before rapping on her door, waiting hardly two seconds before it flung open.

She practically entrusted me with her life with the way she tackled me: arms thrown around my shoulders and stretching up to kiss my cheek. “Oh, I’m so glad you came!” she cried, smile brighter than I could handle. I immediately resisted, alarmed by her sudden but cheerful onslaught of affection, my hands racing towards the lens of my camera as I bent forward to keep her torso from mashing against it.

“Watch it, the camera, the camera!” I protested softly, though I couldn’t help but split a smile at her apparent glee. “Honestly, woman, I’m hardly in the door.” She set herself back and let me in properly as I ran my fingers through my short thick black hair. I quickly kicked my shoes off in the foyer and slung my bag off my shoulder to retrieve the delicate instrument’s case. A tall slender figure approached, making my eyes dart up.

“A fine model,” came his gentle voice, a smooth timbre that put me at ease. There he was. I knew him from pictures, but the turquoise hair and eyes were still something of interest in person regardless. He was positively handsome, though there were a few humanizing flaws. His jaw was ever so slightly crooked, and his nose was unusually pointed for a Korean. “How long have you had her?” he asked, bending down to assist me entirely without prompt. He brushed a few spare strands of his hair away from his face, opening and neatly depositing each piece I handed to him.

“She’s second-hand, but I’ve had her for about two years,” I explained, tucking my things in next to the wall once we’d finished. Min-Chae looked thrilled that we were hitting it off when I glanced at her.

“Kim Jihyun, meet my best friend, Moon Hye-Jin.”

“Pleasure,” I breathed as I straightened, adjusting the collar of my wine-dark turtleneck sweater, and offered my hand.

He took it with a kind smile. “Likewise. Min-Chae speaks so often and well of you, I confess I’m a bit nervous to finally meet you myself.”

I gave my friend an amused look. “Funny, I was just about to say the same thing.”

Min-Chae perked up as if she’d just remembered something important. “Ah! Come meet Jumin; he’s always early so he arrived before you.”

“I’m right here,” came a deeper tone from a tall man in the archway that lead into the kitchen. He was a little taller than Jihyun, his hair was as dark as mine but far better groomed and eyes the colour of slate. His expression was scrutinizing and cold, but he looked perfectly relaxed in his black slacks and grey knit sweater. He had two wine glasses and a bottle with him, which he placed on the sitting room round table before approaching me with his own polite nod and handshake.

“Han Jumin,” he gave, his grip firm but not uncomfortable. It was the handshake of someone who had shook many hands. I immediately recognized who he was once I heard the name; the news outlet I worked for had done a couple articles on him, but I’d never had the opportunity to go to C&R as press. He was dangerously charismatic and seemed to usher us all to sit just with his body language. “Can I offer you a glass?”

I shook my head as I took a seat in my favourite of Min-Chae’s soft sofa chairs. “Thank you, but I don’t drink.”

“Teetotalism?” Jumin inquired, already offering Jihyun his share.

“Alcohol flush reaction,” I clarified. “I appreciate the offer, though.”

Min-Chae was already moving towards the kitchen. “I made some iced tea yesterday, Hye-Jin. Sound good?”

I laced my fingers together in my lap, nodding silently.

“Miss Moon, I took the liberty of checking your work when Min-Chae mentioned you by name,” Jumin began, swirling the wine in his glass in a positively regal manner. His fine mannerisms were no doubt the result of his upbringing, but I found it slightly amusing, nonetheless. “I was very impressed. Your eye for perspective is something to rival Jihyun’s.”

Jihyun chuckled softly. “He’s trying not to hurt my feelings, I think. I find your work shows a raw talent that I never had, though you do have a handful of years fewer in experience.”

I tried very hard not to show a bashful reaction. “I’ve admired your work for a few years, actually. I could hardly believe it when Min-Chae told me your name for the first time. I understand you’ve moved on to painting, now?”

Jihyun nodded solemnly, fiddling with the button on his dress shirt. “Indeed, it was what I wanted to do from the beginning. I think I rationalized photography as a practical compromise to support myself and not sully my family’s reputation.”

I pulled my mouth to the side slightly and remained somewhat rigid. “That’s a familiar tale.”

When I failed to elaborate, Min-Chae jumped in as she set down my iced tea on a coaster and returned to her own place next to Jihyun with a glass of lemon water. “When Hye-Jin decided to go to SKY for art history and media studies with the intention of becoming a photographer, her father disowned her.” She sounded angry just speaking about it. If there was one thing that bled through her pleasant demeanor, it was her unwavering sense of justice.

I took a sip and stared down at the rosy liquid. “My mother supported me. I’m satisfied with that.”

“A very familiar story indeed,” Jihyun agreed, reaching to hold his partner’s hand. “I’m sure you’ll do your mother proud.”

His statement softened me a little, and I offered a small smile. “I hope to make myself proud also.”

Jumin’s somewhat harsh expression smoothed over. He seemed to be impressed by something I said, though I wasn’t sure exactly what. The careful gaze he was using to fully drink in my appearance unsettled me slightly, so I pinched the fabric of my fingerless gloves, set my jaw, and stared right back. Then I noticed the small collection of short white hairs, stark against the black of his slacks.

“You own a cat,” I observed, my eyes narrowing. The sentence was out of my mouth before I could hold my tongue.

“Oh boy, you’ve opened the can of worms now, Hye-Jin,” Min-Chae sighed with humour, earning a small chuckle from her partner. “Better to talk about it now than when Zen gets here.”

Jumin had noticeably brightened at the change in subject. “Yes, her name is Elizabeth the Third, a fine white Persian cat. You are very perceptive.”

“It’s my job to be,” I returned with a small smile. The compliment was doing nothing to quell my hubris. “And I confess something of a kinship with felines.”

He hummed, glancing out the nearby balcony patio door in thought. “Perhaps a photo commission will come your way soon. I’ll have to arrange it with Assistant Kang, however.”

My brows rose in a combination of astonishment and interest in the prospect of being paid well by the heir of the C&R throne.

“I do apologize,” Jihyun piped up, looking slightly exasperated. “If I had agreed to do my own photo shoots with Elizabeth the Third, you likely wouldn’t be in such a position. It’s best if you just do the job and take the payment.”

I shrugged in good nature. “Well, cats are terribly photogenic.”

A short but insistent buzz rang through the apartment, startling Min-Chae to her feet. “Ah! Guest number three,” she breathed, giving me a wry little smile. I returned it with a discreet wink. I knew her well enough to understand that she hadn’t just been planning to introduce me to her new friends. She had every intention to work me into this group well for my own benefit. I never would’ve guessed that she’d gain such connections, nor would I have ever imposed myself on them, but if she had the intention of putting me in places for better jobs, I wasn’t complaining. “Number three, number three, who will it be?” she taunted, tilting her head to the side while holding down the com button.

“Three and four, actually,” came a female reply, her tone even and controlled. It was a sweet voice, but an even more saccharine one butted in.

“Jaehee and I happened to get here at the exact same time. Can you believe those odds?” a man added, his voice a slightly higher tenor than that of Jumin and Jihyun, but still matured.

“The odds are quite high, in fact,” muttered Jumin against his wine glass. He sounded ever so slightly irked, but it didn’t show on his face.

Min-Chae rolled her eyes at him. “C’mon up, guys. The door up here is unlocked.” She gave Jumin a look as she returned to her seat. “No more talk of cats, or you’ll upset Zen.”

“Upset him?” I queried.

“He’s extremely allergic,” Min-Chae explained, pulling her lips down in a slight frown. “But he has a bit of a placebo problem. Any mention of a cat and he sneezes.”

My gaze slid from her face to Jihyun’s and Jumin’s, trying to gage their reactions. “Seems…dramatic.”

“Indeed,” Jumin said curtly, remaining as stoic as ever.

“He’s an actor,” Min-Chae offered at the same moment, expression flickering with amusement. “But we love him, anyway, don’t we Jumin?”

“Hm.”

Jihyun gave a pleasant, non-committal expression, not indulging with his opinion either way. My half-lidded gaze met his as I leaned back into a more comfortable position. “I’m with you on this one,” I told him quietly, and he chuckled softly.

The door cracked open to reveal a fit young man in a black leather jacket and dark jeans, his long white hair pulled back in a neat ponytail. As he greeted us and leaned down to give Min-Chae a side hug and a small peck on the cheek, I noticed that his irises were pink. I’d heard of albinism before, but this was the first time I’d met someone with the condition. His complexion was downright porcelain, and while Jumin and Jihyun were handsome, this guy was drop-dead gorgeous. I hardly knew him, and his gaze already made me warm with a blush.

Directly behind him was a petite and very clean-looking young woman dressed in a pencil skirt and a turtleneck like mine, only light purple. Her eyes were dark amber, and her hair a milk-chocolate brown cut nearly as short as mine. While hers was a simple and professional pixie cut, mine was a more roll-out-of-bed youthful style. She had a lovely feminine figure and soft features but was seemed very strait-laced and impassive.

“Hye-Jin, this is—”

“Ryu Hyun, _jagiya,_ ” the man with white hair interrupted, bending in front of me to take my right hand and kiss the knuckles. “But I go by my stage name, Zen. I knew Min-Chae’s best friend would be a darling girl, like her.”

I drew back nervously, tugging the glove to cover more of my palm, but saved the encounter with a grinning pursed mouth. “I’m sure you say that to all the girls.”

He blinked with wide eyes and feigned offense. “A dagger to the heart! A colder beauty than I thought.”

“I’m not so sure about beauty, but I’ll acknowledge my sharp tongue any day,” I replied in good faith, showing him with my smile that I meant nothing malicious. I watched carefully as he took a seat as far from Jumin as physically possible.

The brown-haired woman, however, took a silent and cautious seat to my right, giving a small affirming look to Jumin. “Moon Hye-Jin, correct?”

I nodded once. “And you’re Kang Jaehee, if I’m not mistaken?” When she confirmed, I gave a gentle half-smile. “Pleasure to meet you.”

“Mr. Han had me look up your portfolio; you have a robust skill in photography.”

“That’s so nice of you, but I’m still learning a lot.”

Zen perked up at the subject. “Another photographer in our circle, just as Jihyun takes up painting. Do you think you’ll pass on a few tricks of the trade, Jihyun?”

Jihyun tilted his head slightly in thought. “If Hye-Jin wants to learn from me, I’d be honoured.”

I let out a short breath in a laugh. “ _You’d_ be honoured? I think you’ve got that backwards.”

“She’ll give you a run for your money if you do that, Jihyun,” Jumin said frankly, sparing another long glance at me.

“I’m not doing much with those skills now anyway, besides what translates to painting. I should pass it on to someone. I’m sure I can find the time for a few lessons, Hye-Jin.”

I couldn’t help but beam at him briefly, before remembering my manners and thanking him. To learn under one of the many photographers I admired was an opportunity I’d never imagined I would receive. I promised myself to drink up every last word of wisdom he decided to share with me in the future.

The next guest to arrive was a young man by the name of Yoosung, the youngest member of the group. He was no taller than I was, though we were both an inch taller than Min-Chae, with close-cropped blonde hair, vibrant violet eyes, and wide-rimmed glasses. He was slightly baby-faced, but rather cute, his darker eyebrows and lashes tipping me off that he was naturally a brunette. Pine-green pants and a simple dark gray crew-neck sweatshirt was his wardrobe, completing the slightly nerdy student vibe that began with the impression I had gotten from Min-Chae not long ago.

“It’s wonderful to meet one of Min-Chae’s other friends,” Yoosung started as he sat between me and Jumin. His voice was higher than Zen’s, but it was soft and suited him very well. “I can tell you’re a pretty cool person just looking at you.”

I quirked an eyebrow, my gaze pinning him there. “Oh? What makes you say that?”

He grew suddenly nervous, seeming to be trying to come up with a reply. “U-Um, I dunno! Just a feeling, I guess.”

I smirked sideways. “I appreciate your honesty.”

“Saeyoung did say he was coming, but what about Saeran?” Yoosung inquired at Min-Chae, rubbing his palms together slightly. I wondered if he was chilled or simply a bit anxious.

Min-Chae made a noise of affirmation. “Saeran will come, too. The twins will likely be fashionably late, knowing Saeyoung.”

Jihyun’s expression grew fond at the sounds of their names. Min-Chae had once explained to me that, while he was only six years older than the twins, he’d acted as something of a father or older brother figure to them, especially Saeran.

The com buzzed for the final time. When Min-Chae opened the channel with a pleasant greeting, her pleasant expression beamed with a grin at the voice on the other end. It was tenor in quality, lilted in a playful manner as he replied.

“Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down thy hair,” he chimed in impeccable English.

“Speak of the devil and he shall appear,” Min-Chae teased, holding back a laugh. We gave each other amused glances.

Another voice overlapped slightly, very similar in timbre to the first, but completely unalike in tone.

“Could’ve sworn our ears were burning.”

Heard more distantly was a: “Devil?? Nay, fair lady, I’m God Seven-Oh-Seven!”

“Can it, _hyeong_ ,” came the swift quip.

“Animals, the lot of you…”

Min-Chae huffed slightly. “Stop saying such weird things on the front step and come in!”

And they did, with surprising time, at that. It wasn’t long before rapid footsteps up the stairs and down the hall could be heard. The door was practically thrown open, and everyone in the sitting room watched in anticipation for someone to stroll through, only for the door to swing to a stop, tapping the wall beside it. I glanced at Min-Chae. She wasn’t even looking at the doorway anymore, just sitting pretty with her hands folded over her crossed legs.

A mop of bright ginger hair poked into the apartment from the side, the young man’s yellow and black glasses askew on the bridge of his nose and his grin absolutely crooked with mischief. I expected him to speak, but instead, he just waggled his eyebrows at us all. Our eyes locked, and I raised one of my own brows in response. Somehow, his smile widened further. Then, he pitched forward into the foyer with a sudden grunt. Another young man walked in casually, reaching down to unzip his boots as his nearly identical copy scrambled to get back up. Min-Chae giggled, Zen sighed with a shake of his head, Jaehee exhaled in exasperation, Jihyun smiled fondly again, and Yoosung let out a very quiet, nervous laugh. Only Jumin remained the same.

The twin on the ground let out an undignified noise in protest. “Struck down by my own flesh and blood; the horror!”

The other cast an unimpressed gaze down, but the infancy of a smile had begun tugging at the corners of his mouth. “Try not to be an embarrassment for 5 minutes straight, and maybe I’ll be nicer.” He glanced up as his brother cheerfully flipped around onto to sit on the floor and strip off his high-tops. “Hello, everybody. Nice to see you.”

“Hi Saeran!” Min-Chae chirped. “You boys want anything to drink? I’ve got iced tea.”

“And there’s wine,” Jumin added kindly.

Finally, both were up on their feet and made their way into the sitting room, allowing me to get a good look at them. They were certainly identical twins; both had an unruly mop of red hair and slightly larger eyes than average for Koreans, with a dark gold hue. A light smattering of freckles decorated both across the nose, and they had slender builds and even, sharp features. The one called Saeran was slightly shorter and had a burn scar that ran up his neck and onto his left jaw. The other, whom I assumed was Saeyoung, looked slightly more athletic, had slightly longer, shaggier hair, and, as I’d noticed before, wore glasses striped like a wasp’s colours. Both were wearing dark skinny jeans, but while Saeran wore a black pull-over hoodie with blue roses embroidered into the sleeves and back, Saeyoung donned a very loose green plaid button-up and a black zip-up hoodie undone.

“You know I don’t drink, Jumin,” Saeyoung mused, taking a seat in the chair between Jaehee and Zen. He immediately began bouncing his knee, and I held back a grin.

“It was more an invitation to Saeran,” Jumin explained, voice low and mellow as he eyed the other twin.

Saeran took his seat more gently than Saeyoung, further differing their personalities, between Jihyun and Jumin, immediately shoving his hands into his hoodie pocket. “Thanks for the offer, but it wouldn’t mix well with my meds.” Jihyun and Saeran looked incredibly relaxed next to one another, and I recalled hearing from Min-Chae that they had spent the better part of the last couple of years together.

Min-Chae padded her hands against her thighs. “Well! We’re all here together, at last. I think I prefer this over being in a crowded party room. Saeran, Saeyoung, meet my long-time friend, Moon Hye-Jin.”

“Yo!” Saeyoung said cheerfully, shooting me another crooked smile. The way his gold eyes squinted at me made my face grow a bit warm.

“Pleasure to watch you stumble in,” I returned smugly, though I did my best to remain level.

“You probably didn’t see it, but I kicked him in the ass,” Saeran explained, betraying himself with a grin that mirrored a smaller version of his brother’s. “Min-Chae speaks about you often. It’s good to finally meet you.”

Tilting my head, I slid my gaze down to my hands. “It’s a lot of new people at once, but you all seem like bright souls. Min-Chae tends to find some real jewels.”

“That’s for sure,” Zen affirms, looking pleased with himself.

“Of course. I’m an absolute delight,” Saeyoung said wistfully, twice as pleased, but mostly for show.

“Apparently,” I answered. “But I know my best friend. There’s more to this than just getting me chummy with you lot. Spill it.”

Min-Chae cocked her head to the side, her big brown eyes blinking up at her lover through her long bangs. “I can hardly get anything past her.”

“You need to try harder,” I giggled softly. “Shall I guess, if you’re going to play coy?”

My friend shifted in her seat. “Hye-Jin’s right. This is partially a surprise party. That is, Jihyun and I are surprising you all with the fact that this is our engagement party.”

A small moment of silence elapsed.

I was slightly overwhelmed by the outbursts from Yoosung, Zen, and Saeyoung.

“Congrats!” Yoosung exclaimed, likely without thought and immediately blushing at his own volume.

“Where’s the ring, Jihyun? You gotta treat our angel right!” Zen followed up. He was right; Min-Chae wasn’t wearing a ring. When Jihyun opened his mouth to offer an explanation, he was cut off by Saeyoung.

“Whoop, whoop! The ship has sailed!!” he cried, forming a small trumpet with his hands around his mouth and leaning back in his chair.

I cut through the noise with a calm voice and a controlled expression, my heart secretly stirring with excitement. I never got especially enthusiastic about these sorts of events, but honestly, this was my best, and arguably, only close friend. There was no doubt that I wanted to be there for her special day. That, and I always took an excuse to take photos. “When were you planning?”

Jihyun seemed to appreciate my relaxed approach to the conversation. “We were thinking about a year from now.”

I perked up slightly, the intrigue flaring up again as I gave brief wide-eyed look at Min-Chae. “You plan for a snowy day in winter and I’ll love you forever. The photos—”

“As much as I appreciate your enthusiasm,” Min-Chae laughed, “We were thinking more August or September.”

I shrugged, trying not to look terribly disappointed. “Fall colours are good, too.”

“The artistic vision has been stifled,” Saeyoung narrated, mocking sorrow.

I settled myself into my chair further but turned a bit more towards him. “I’m positively heartbroken,” I agreed flatly, grinning again. Saeyoung let out a light chuckle in response, making my ears tingle.

“Most heartfelt congratulations, Jihyun,” Jumin said genuinely, giving his childhood friend a tender smile. “I know you’ll grow old in each other’s company and happiness.”

Jihyun let out a small breath, sounding defeated. “Don’t make me cry, Jumin.”

“Never would’ve though someone would say that to trust fund kid,” Zen drawled poisonously. “But seriously, I’m sure we’re all really happy for you both.”

Saeran nodded gently. “We wouldn’t have it any other way.”

“Have you decided on the wedding party?” Jaehee inquired, already seeming to be preparing herself for whatever arrangements and tasks Jumin demanded of her.

“Don’t look so frightened, Jaehee,” Min-Chae said, brows knit together sympathetically. “We’re both very private people—the guest list likely wouldn’t be much bigger than those in the room right now.”

“You are, of course, best man, Jumin,” Jihyun said.

“And Hye-Jin is my closest friend. She’ll be maid of honour,” Min-Chae concluded, beaming at me as I stared openly.

I quickly recovered, clearing my throat from the joyful knot that had formed there. “As long as it won’t detract from taking the best photos I’ve ever done, I’d be, quite literally, honoured.”

“Of course,” Min-Chae mused. “You’ll be maid of honour and photographer for the price of one.”

“Speaking of which, there is other news,” Jihyun continued. “We have the intention of holding another R.F.A. party on New Year’s Eve. I mean the western New Year’s Eve, December 31st, since we have many international guests. I know that it is rather sudden, since it will be only six months since the last one, but we wish for it to become a yearly tradition riding on the generosity that the holidays inspire.”

“Logical decision,” Jumin agreed. “It is short notice, but I’m certain our talented party planner can ride on the success of the last party.”

“I have no objections, personally,” Yoosung said, earning a nod from the others. “It’s a good time to do something important. Where will the money be going?”

“For now, mental health awareness and support programs. It’s a slowly growing aspect of society, but we want to help where we can,” Min-Chae said solemnly. “There…there is one more thing. Yoosung, Jihyun and I understand how sensitive you may be about this, but we are seriously considering renaming the organization. Rika’s name will remain credited for the foundation of it, along with Jihyun and Jumin, but given the history, it’s—"

“It’s fine,” Yoosung cut in curtly, causing a tension in the air. “I think it’s a good idea.” He tone didn’t agree with his words, but he looked determined to keep a straight face. I kept as silent and still as I could manage, knowing that it wasn’t not my place to be a part of this conversation. My eye was caught by how Saeran’s expression had hardened and his gaze firmly transfixed on the floor. Saeyoung betrayed nothing in his face, but his fists were clenched on his knees and his knuckles were turning white. Jaehee and Zen merely appeared sullen.

“We should keep the acronym,” Zen suggested quietly, hanging his head low. His flamboyant personality was significantly deflated, and he didn’t even look anyone in the eye as he spoke.

“It’s an English name, is it not?” I asked quietly, unsure if my remarks would be welcome. “There are lots of wonderful English words that start with the letter R.”

“It’s likely a decision we’ll all have to consider for some time,” Jihyun acknowledges, appearing pained, but calm. “I know this is extremely difficult for all of us. We want to honour what Rika started, but not the way things ended up.”

I heard Saeran inhale sharply at the second mention of the woman’s name. Min-Chae had explained to me what transpired two years ago, but I never received all the unsavory details. I did know, however, that Saeran was arguably the most affected by Rika’s straying off the right path, to put it lightly.

Jaehee spared me a glance, her expression sympathetic. “You must be feeling a little awkward about this,” she whispered.

Drawing my legs up into the chair, I shifted my weight to one hip and tucked myself into a neat ball. It was a very casual position to be in, especially in front of near strangers. Some older folks would probably consider it improper, but it was comfortable. I remained relatively expressionless, despite the circumstances. “You’ve allowed me to be here. I have no reason to feel displaced. Obviously, I have no opinion to offer. I couldn’t imagine the emotional significance of this for you all.”

I saw Zen smile softly at me, which was entirely disarming. Likewise, Jumin and Jihyun seemed to mirror one another as they nodded gently with pleasant faces. “You’ve revealed a lot about yourself with that, Hye-Jin,” Jihyun said.

“You seem so patient and relaxed,” Yoosung remarked, eyes wide behind his glasses.

“Cool as a cucumber,” Saeyoung added, his light tone lifted the atmosphere. When our eyes met, my otherwise focus-hardened face smoothed over, and his visage clearly brightened. Immediately after, I cast my eyes down to pick at the skin on the edge of my fingernails.

“That’s why I wanted you as a member,” Min-Chae announced, watching me closely.

I didn’t startle, but I did stop the movements of my hands and blinked. “What could I possibly offer your organization?”

“Your efforts as an artist have not escaped our attention,” Jumin explained. “You’d be the perfect person to handle the photo coverage of our events. Your eye for perspective, along with Jihyun’s help with refining your technique, will be more than enough for us.”

I disregarded his words, my eyes darting up to my best friend and narrowing. “You know there are many talented artists besides me.”

She tilted her head again. It was a common habit of hers whenever she was trying to find the best way to phrase her thoughts. “But none of them are my closest friend.”

“It is because Min-Chae trusts you so much that we want you to be a part,” Jaehee added. “Our organization deals with sensitive information, and, as it contains those with delicate reputations, it is paramount that we have such trust.”

“Can’t have just anyone with access to my glorious personal selfies,” Zen chirped.

Jaehee sighed, pressing a hand to her chest, but it wasn’t a gesture of irritation. Rather, it was one of reverence. “No, heaven forbid.”

Saeran, Yoosung, and Min-Chae all rolled their eyes in time, while Saeyoung just giggled. It was a charming sound, uninhibited and childish, I noticed.

“Anyway,” Min-Chae continued. “You’ll be on probation, so to speak. We’ll give it a trial run to make sure you’re compatible with everyone. I really think you’ll get along swimmingly, but we need to make sure. Saeyoung will set you up later.”

I lifted my fingers as an affirming action. “Sounds good.” There was a natural pause, before I drew in another breath, shifting my bangs across my forehead slightly in thought. “If I may.” Looking directly at Jihyun, I searched for permission.

“Of course,” he returned. “Your thoughts are always welcome.”

“If you and Min-Chae truly plan for the parties to become an annual thing occurring during New Year’s Eve,” I began, hoping not to come off as presumptuous, “may I propose the name ‘Resolution Fundraising Association’?” The others in the room exchanged glances, and I worried that I had overstepped. “Just seemed…an apt—why are you all looking at me like that?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> V’s After Ending is the most emotionally resolved of all the endings and you can pry that from my cold, dead hands. 
> 
> In all seriousness: leave a comment, ask me a question, tell me a joke, or whatever you like. I really enjoy talking to my readers, even if it’s not specifically about the fic.
> 
> Edit: I said this before Saeran's after ending came out. I stand corrected.


	2. II

The rest of the afternoon was spent in idle chatter with warm company. I had taken a real shine to Jaehee, who was proper and gentle in almost all things. She had a surprising sense of humour I had not expected on first blush and she lit up cheerfully when I indulged in her interests like a good coffee brew and the art of theatre and film making. As a photographer, I had an intense passion and admiration for cinematographers and their techniques, while she more enthralled with the talent of acting and dance. Zen quickly grasped at the opportunity to offer his opinions, and I was pleased to discover that he had a surprisingly analytical approach to the subject. He was more than just a pretty face, at least when it came to his career.

Jumin had wrung me into a discussion on marketing and the use of visual mediums, which I was always happy to engage in. As a photographer for a news media company, I had to be constantly adapting my technique to what would be effective for the given article and its sociopolitical atmosphere. Pictures truly were worth a thousand words, but I confessed the stress that came with consistently overthinking work priorities when the real passion I had was for my creative portfolio. He hoped being part of the R.F.A. would give me more opportunities to exercise my artistic vision. Jumin was extraordinarily level-headed and composed, but his engagement in our talk was clearly written on his face. As the gathering progressed, I noticed how he seemed to slowly unwind and allow himself more freedom of expression. He paid me several long, careful glances, as if he was trying to truly discern my personality, but I expected as much from the likes of him. I was a very new face, after all.

I felt something of a kinship with Saeran as the hours pressed on; both of us were prone to being quiet and speaking in short, simple sentences. Introversion was not as antisocial as some perceived it to be, but I found myself growing increasingly fatigued from all the stimulus. When Saeran covered his yawn with the back of his hand, I responded in kind, a tender smile with teary, squinted eyes passing between us. When he did speak, it was usually quite eloquent, a characteristic that I did not always possess. While mine was a drier and more blunt wit, his was a sarcasm veiled in pleasantries, but his wry smirk always revealed his amusement.

It differed starkly with his twin, who spoke a mile a minute with abstract thought. Saeyoung was positively chaotic, but whenever I grew tired, I’d place my focus on him, watching carefully the way his nose would wrinkle slightly with a laugh, or his jumping tone of voice as he verbally played with the others. His random antics added colour to otherwise very plain conversations. He toyed with Zen’s narcissism, poked fun at Jumin and Jaehee’s seriousness, and teased Yoosung for his slightly lesser gaming skills and tendency to fluster. He didn’t prod or incite Jihyun very much; there seemed to be a universal respect for the gentle and peaceful fellow. He did, however, bounce himself off mine and Min-Chae’s friendly banter. His trains of thought were often nonsense reminiscent of Lewis Carroll’s poetry, but we played along in earnest, often finding ourselves thoroughly displaced from reality.

As dinnertime approached, Jaehee excused herself for the sake of work, and Yoosung and Zen did the same shortly after for studying and lines practice, respectfully. They expressed their pleasure in meeting me for the first time, politely, before bidding their friends goodbye. Zen was as flirtatious as when he arrived, promising to await our next meeting with thoughtful expectation, and I assured him that I surely could never reciprocate, as it was not in my nature.

“I should get going, as well,” I sighed just a few minutes after Yoosung disappeared from the foyer. Getting up from my seat, I made my way to my bag and began reconstructing my camera and lens together in case there were interesting shots on my way home. “I’ve got to edit some shots for an article coming out tomorrow morning. The boss will have my head if I don’t have them in by nine tonight.”

“Thank you so much for coming, Hye-Jin,” Min-Chae said sweetly, also standing to give me another warm hug.

“Always, _eonni_ ,” I mused with a wink. “And really,” I added, my hand lingering on her shoulder as we drew back from the embrace, “I’m so happy for you. You’ve finally found your family.”

Her eyes sparkled, part delight and part choked tears. “T-thank you.” I heard Jihyun hum in response to her emotional reaction. “Oh! Before you go—Saeyoung?”

The older twin popped out of his chair, making a big show of uncrossing his legs, and shuffled over, the hems of his skinny jeans dragging under his heels. He gave me a lopsided smile, gold eyes shining through shaggy ginger bangs and glasses, holding his hand out palm-up with a grabbing motion. “Phone, please.”

“Ah.” I pulled out my device from my back pocket, unlocked it, and handed it over.

“Alright…” Saeyoung continued to mutter indistinct things, his typing surprisingly fast across the screen. I observed quietly as his deft, slender fingers worked swiftly. He paused to push his glasses up his nose, biting his bottom lip briefly. The proximity was enough for his body heat to radiate towards me, and I could’ve sworn he smelled like cedarwood. I was tracing the patterns of his freckles with my eyes when he finally looked up to offer the phone back to me, prompting a hint of colour to spread into his face. “U-uh, all done.”

I folded my fingers over my phone and brought it back to me, our fingertips brushing ever so slightly. I grew a little warm. “Thanks. I think.” An app was in the process of installing.

“That’s our messenger app. You’ll have access to the group chat, direct messages, and phone calls with the other members,” Saeyoung explained. “I’m in charge of its maintenance, so if anything goes wrong, just leave it to the hacker god, yeah?”

I’d heard him call himself a hacker before, but I wasn’t sure what to make of it. Min-Chae told me he and Saeran had a real aptitude with computer science and engineering, but I had yet to witness it first-hand. “If I notice anything weird, I’ll…send you a prayer,” I returned with a half-smirk.

“You don’t have to indulge him,” Saeran drawled, yawning again. “He’s just being a dork.”

I shrugged. “If I had an issue with dorkiness, it’d be calling the kettle black. I guess I’ll chat with you all later.”

“Take care, Hye-Jin. I’ll let you know when we can get coffee this week. Maybe with Jaehee, if she can spare the time,” said Min-Chae.

“We should take off, too, lil’ bro,” Saeyoung added, stretching his arms high above his head with a sigh.

Saeran pushed himself to his feet. “Drive slower this time, please.”

I bid my last goodbyes and headed down the stairs with a slight skip in my step. I couldn’t recall the last time I felt so pleased; I could hardly resist the smile spreading on my face. I finally understood why my friend was so enraptured by the group so quickly. They were all compelling and unique, and the opportunity to be a part of this larger whole was completely appealing. This organization—they really did try to make a difference, even after all the pain they’d been through.

Crouching to take some shots of sparrows grooming in a particularly deep puddle on the pavement, my ears pricked at the sound of rapid footsteps against cement. It was the twins, heading to their sleek black vehicle parked nearby. Saeyoung was spinning his keys on the end of one finger, laughing about something as they approached the car. They stopped on either side, both holding onto the opposite door handles while exchanging words I couldn’t make out. I stood and lined up a shot that placed them perfectly on either side of the car, almost like a reflection split down the middle.

As I stared at my handiwork, Saeran noticed me standing there, the chilling, rain-fresh autumn breeze rustling my short black waves. “We’re getting dinner on our way, wanna come?” he called, snapping me out of my haze.

“I’m sure it’d be too much trouble to get me back home after,” I stated plainly, taking a relaxed pace towards them while still have my nose down towards the camera screen in my hands.

“Don’t worry about that, I’m an expert driver. I’ll get you back home in no time,” Saeyoung chuckled deviously.

Saeran gave me a flat look. “On second thought, maybe I shouldn’t subject you to this.” He earned a snicker from me.

“Is it worth the risk for _bungeo-ppang_?” Saeyoung offered, his voice warbling with the promise as he waggled his eyebrows again.

I breathed a short laugh. “It’s been a while since I’ve had street food. I’ll admit, you’ve convinced me.”

“Doo-duh-duh-doo!!” he trumpeted, tilting his head back as he did so. “To the Cat-mobile!”

“I wash my hands of whatever happens,” Saeran warns me as we pile in.

Saeyoung did drive a tad fast, but it was very clear that he was an expert behind the wheel. As we turned onto more busy streets, I pondered the last time I’d actually driven a car. I did have my license, but over the last couple of years, all my commuting had been on foot, bike, or train. Such was the urban life of a young woman supporting herself. The twins were bantering back and forth, and I couldn’t help but smile fondly. I knew from Min-Chae that they hadn’t been reunited for very long, but they had already settled into a relatively natural sibling relationship, at least on the surface.

“So, you two live together?” I asked when I heard an opening pause in their dialogue. My head absently bobbed to a playlist of songs thrumming softly from the back speakers. Saeyoung had decent taste; it was a scattering of electronic, punk, and pop, with a good portion being artists from the UK or North America. 

There was a slight hesitation before Saeyoung perked up again, his head only shifting slightly to keep his eyes on the road. “Saeran just can’t stand to be away from me~”

“How much did Min-Chae tell you about us, exactly?” Saeran cut in. It was interesting: while Saeyoung seemed to attempt to diffuse tense situations with humour, Saeran was rather direct.

I hummed slightly. “She told me that you were separated for some time, for protection, but I don’t know why. She also told me that you--Saeran--your caretaker abused you, and that one of the reasons why Jihyun was gone for so long was to help you gain your fortitude again.” I didn’t want to mention Rika’s name, knowing how they’d reacted before.

“Saeran always had fortitude,” Saeyoung muttered, alarming me with his uncharacteristically dark tone.

I straightened. “Excuse my poor choice of words, I—”

“No,” Saeran interrupted sharply, sighing. He spared a glance at his brother, who only continued to drive quietly. “You didn’t say anything wrong, Hye-Jin. Saeyoung and I live together because we’ve been apart for far too long to help it. We wanted to be proper brothers again.”

I held my elbows in my hands and turned my head to the window to gaze out. “Family is precious,” I agreed quietly. “Whether it be family one is born to or what one finds. For me, the blood of the covenant ended up being thicker than the water of the womb.” When Saeran glanced back at me quizzically, I offered a grim smile. “It’s a rough translation of an English phrase. It means that the relationships I foraged in my life ended up being more important to me than the family I was born to. My mother is the only exception.”

“Min-Chae,” he thought aloud.

I nodded. “That’s one of them. Min-Chae and I are alike in that regard. That’s why I was so happy that she found all of you.”

Saeran looked out his own window, hiding his face from me. “Despite everything I did…?” he murmured.

Saeyoung placed his free hand on Saeran’s nearby knee, and I traced the outline of his pale knuckles and the freckles on the back of his hand, lost in my thoughts. I wanted to say something, but I couldn’t materialize anything of use on my tongue.

“Everything worked out,” Saeran continued, seeming to reassure himself more than me.

We parked on a quieter street that wasn’t far from one of the walkways with street food and a healthy crowd. “You have arrived at your destination,” Saeyoung chimed, mocking the tone of a GPS recording. I breathed a short breath through my nose as we all stripped off our seatbelts and clambered out. Saeyoung stretched, hands up high again, as I straightened my turtleneck sweater and made sure none of the skin of my wrists was poking through between the sleeves and my fingerless gloves. I immediately began looking for fun shots to take of the street or the crowd when I felt Saeyoung’s eyes on me. I gave him a look, hands cradling my camera, but he shook his head, shaggy ginger strands shaking with the movement. “Nothing. I was just smelling the food-- _bungeo-ppang_ , my love!!” And with that, he skipped down the path, goading us on to follow.

Saeran rolled his eyes but smiled anyway. Seemed a habit of his when it came to his brother. “Ha,” I chuckled softly, capturing his attention. “You really love him, huh?”

He didn’t look me right in the eye, but the grin remained. “Yeah. It took a while for me to come around, but Jihyun helped me understand him. I used to think Saeyoung was awful for being complicit in our separation, but now…I get it.”

My fingertips grew a little cold as I clenched the body and lens of my camera a little harder. We heard Saeyoung cry out for us cheerfully from amongst the crowd, so we headed over, hoping he wasn’t attracting too much attention with his rambunctious behaviour. Saeran shoved his hands in his front hoodie pocket in a similar manner I’d seen him do before, and the two of us weaved back and forth to avoid the paths of strangers. I was playing with some of the settings as we made our way over to the _bungeo-ppang_ stand, the fragrance of red bean paste and pastry growing warm around my head.

I startled to a rough tap on my shoulder, whipping around on my heel to prevent swinging into anybody. Saeran slipped out of my peripherals as I locked eyes with a very pretty young woman, though I guessed she was a little older than me. She pushed her brown hair away from her light brown eyes and scowled at me with condescension. It would’ve been more intimidating if it weren’t for the fact that she was shorter than me by a couple inches.

“Oi, shutterbug,” she started, squinting a little. “If you’re gonna spot shots with me in ‘em, it’ll be 25 thousand won each.”

I groaned internally, trying not to furrow my brows. This wasn’t the first time this had ever happened to me. It was usually rough-looking guys or fussing mothers protecting the visage rights of their children, but on occasion, there would be the pretty ones or aspiring models who would flag me down.

“I’d never take shots of someone without their permission,” I explained flatly, “and if I were to take a crowd shot, it would not be so detailed.”

She looked unconvinced. “Show me your recent photos.”

It didn’t matter that she had no right to ask me such a thing. Common courtesy and the fact that she wouldn’t desist dictated that I bend to her will. I pivoted to lean in beside her, demonstrating all my photos from that day. I hadn’t even taken that many. “Satisfied?”

“Fine,” she huffed, and took off, without so much as another word.

I slowly let out a breath I’d been holding, puffing out my cheeks, as I found Saeran and Saeyoung not far. The older twin had already bought half a dozen of the fish-shaped treats, shoving the warm, parchment-wrapped pastry into my hands as soon as I’d picked my way through the rest of the crowd.

“What did she want?” Saeyoung asked before tucking in with a funny, animalistic growl and walking us back to the car. Saeran broke open the breading before blowing softly on the steaming insides, and I smirked at Saeyoung eating the treat belly-first before working on my own fish bread head-first.

“She was upset because she thought I was taking pictures of her,” I said through a mouthful. “As if she’s the most interesting thing on the street.”

Saeyoung turned himself to face the food stands again, still walking backwards, as he took another large bite in thought. “Tell me, o anointed photographer, who _is_ the most aesthetically appealing in that crowd?”

I flipped back, walking backwards alongside him, considering it. “I’m more interested in environments than I am in portraits, but…I’d have to say you two.”

“Us?” Saeran returned, somewhat in disbelief. Judging by the way he was eating, he liked sweet bean paste more than breading.

“Sure. You two have your own attitudes despite being nearly perfect reflections of one another,” I supplied. “That’s something neat to capture. Plus, you’re both good-looking, without being boring with perfections.”

“Oof, shots fired at Zen,” Saeyoung mused.

I smirked back. “Zen’s nice, and his looks serve his career, but I’m not interested in perfection.”

Saeyoung began to pick up the pace as we moved backwards, and I matched him, faster and faster until we bumped into the car. He laughed as he nearly lost his handle on his food, and I let out a short giggle in return. I wasn’t normally one to horse around, but his behaviour was practically infectious.

“Children,” Saeran sighed, still thoroughly enjoying his meal. “Don’t let him drag you in, Hye-Jin.”

“Don’t listen to him!” Saeyoung protested. “I’ll lead you down the glorious path dusted with the golden crumbs of Honey Buddah Chips. The glorious path of the god Seven-Oh-Seven!”

I cocked my head. “You lost me.”

He chortled dramatically as his voice inflated to sound like a supervillain. “Exactly where I wanted you all along!”

My eyes grew half-lidded with a lazy side-smile. “Uh huh. Think what you like.”

“Oooh, what _is_ she planning? Quickly, brother! We must put our heads together if we can finally defeat our fated adversary!” Saeyoung scurried over to Saeran, grabbing the younger twin’s head from the other side, and drew them together. While Saeran just looked flatly unimpressed, chewing silently, Saeyoung had a smear of red bean paste against his cheek, a wild look in his eye.

I laughed, loudly this time, setting my half-eaten _bungeo-ppang_ on the roof of the car to lift my camera. “Hang on, hold still.” I paced over to line them up with the parked cars and buildings behind them, adjusted a few settings and took a couple pictures. Shaking my head in amusement, I scrolled back on the screen to look, turning it to them. Saeran had stuck his tongue out in embarrassment, and Saeyoung’s mouth had curved into a big smile, barely split enough to show his teeth. “Adorbs,” I remarked in English. “It’s a keeper.”

Saeyoung snorted. “Did you just say ‘adorbs’?”

My face heated in embarrassment. “Uh, yeah?”

He cackled, and Saeran smirked. “Doesn’t seem like something you’d say,” Saeran clarified.

Saeyoung pulled a face like something heaven-inspired struck him. “Bro! We should get her to take pics of us cosplaying together!”

“Over my dead body, Saeyoung!!”

“Dead body?? What, like zombies? Oh, or vampires? Sexy vampires.”

“Gross.”

“Hey, I don’t do commissions for free.”

“Awwww…”

“Asshole; it’s not like you can’t afford it!”

“But if it’s gonna be sexy vampires, you’ll have to pay me double.”

“You guys are no fun.”

_Hye-Jin has entered the chatroom._

Hye-Jin 18:32

_It’s classy in here._

707 18:34

_Oh staaaahp im blushin_

Jumin Han 18:35

_Welcome, Hye-Jin._

_If you have any concerns, please don’t hesitate to ask me._

ZEN 18:36

_Don’t ask Mr. rich kid anything._

_He’ll probably just brush you off._

Jumin Han 18:36

_I would not._

_Hye-Jin knows I’m more polite than that_

_And I wouldn’t offer if I didn’t mean it_

ZEN 18:37

_Don’t feel like you need to only ask Jumin, Hye-Jin_

_I’m here for you, jagiya~_

_*wink emoticon*_

Saeran 18:39

_Saeyoung’s the one who made the damn thing_

_She can just ask him_

707 18:39

_That’s right!_

_So, Hye-Jin_

_If you see anything eviiiiillll…._

_Like bugs…._

_Cockroaches……_

_Or little brothers who refuse to do the dishes….._

Saeran 18:40

_I SAID I would do them when I’m done this code for C &R_

_Because SOMEONE would rather trash Yoosung in LOLOL_

Yoosung ★ 18:40

_Hey…._

Saeran 18:41

_Instead of doing his TIME SENSITIVE WORK_

Jumin Han 18:42

_I appreciate your work ethic, Saeran._

707 18:42

_T.T_

_……_

_I did most of it……_

_H_

_Y_

_E_

_-_

_J_

_I_

_._

_._

_._

ZEN 18:43

_Oi!! Stop hogging the screen, Seven!_

707 18:43

_*cry emoticon*_

_Don’t believe all these nasty things about me_

_I’m a good worker…._

Jaehee Kang 18:44

_*angry emoticon*_

_Literal years of evidence point to the contrary_

Yoosung ★ 18:45

_Lol savage Jaehee has entered the chat_

Jaehee Kang 18:45

_I need that software update by 9 am…_

707 18:46

_*cry emoticon*_

_I’m sowwy, Jaehee_

_But Yoosung is just so easy to kill in game…._

_It’s so funny…_

Yoosung ★ 18:47

_Yeah, so funny…._

_But you’re not doing that right now, are you?_

_You should do your work so Jaehee doesn’t explode_

707 18:47

_But now I’m sleepy…._

_*huff emoticon*_

_Saeraaaaaaaan….._

Saeran 18:48

_What_

707 18:48

_*cry emoticon*_

_I’ll do the dishes…._

_If you finish work for me…._

Saeran 18:49

_I want half_

_*smirk emoticon*_

707 18:50

_*cry emoticon*_

Jumin Han 18:51

_That can be arranged._

Jaehee Kang 18:51

_A fine compromise_

_I’ll be getting back to work…_

_Jaehee Kang has left the chatroom._

Hye-Jin 18:52

_Is…_

_Is Jaehee okay?_

ZEN 18:53

_Unfortunately that’s pretty regular_

_The tyrant won’t let her have a break_

Jumin Han 18:54

_Assistant Kang is paid fully in kind for her work_

_She does not go unappreciated_

Hye-Jin 18:53

_I do have one question_

707 18:53

_You called?_

Hye-Jin 18:54

_Indeed, I have a prayer for you_

_God Seven_

707 18:55

_I hast heard thy voice:_

_“Hide not thine ear at my breathing, at my cry.”_

Hye-Jin 18:56

_Lamentations?_  
  


707 18:56

_*what emoji*_

_Ding! Ding!_

_Ten points for Hye-Jin_

ZEN 18:58

_Did I miss something?_

Yoosung ★ 18:58

_I don’t get it either…_

Jumin Han 18:59

_It is a biblical reference, I believe._

Hye-Jin 19:00

_Used in a slightly blasphemous context_

_But I don’t think Saeyoung meant it earnestly_

_Anyway, my question_

Jumin Han 19:02

_Fire away._

Hye-Jin 19:03

_Do I have to be an official member to get emoticons?_

_Because those are cool_

707 19:04

_Made by yours truly_

_I just finished the patch for Min-Chae and Saeran_

_But yeah, you’ll have to be a for-sure member_

_They don’t take long, but I do need voice clips_

Hye-Jin 19:07

_Kk all good_

_I can manage with the keyboard ;)_

Saeran 19:08

_You don’t seem like an emoticon person_

707 19:09

_We didn’t think_

_She’d be the type of person_

_To say_

_“ADORBS”_

_And yet_

Hye-Jin 19:10

_If I someday have animated emoticons, I will surely use them_

Jumin Han 19:11

_Hye-Jin does not seem like the sort of person to say “adorbs”._

ZEN 19:13

_For once trust fund brat and I agree_

Yoosung ★ 19:14

_That’s weirdly cute of you, Hye-Jin_

707 19:15

_Dare I say_

_It’s_

_A_

_D_

_O_

_R_

_B_

_S_

Hye-Jin 19:16

_I’m never gonna live this down_

Saeran 19:16

_Nope_

Hye-Jin 19:17

_I will not be ashamed_

_It was a habit I picked up from a friend_

_When I spent a term in America_

Yoosung ★ 19:19

_Oh, I didn’t know that_

_I guess we really don’t know that much about you_

_When did you go to America?_

Hye-Jin 19:23

_It was around the time that my best friend_

_Dropped off the face of the earth_

_To test a new mobile game_

_At a headquarters in the middle of nowhere_

Saeran 19:24

_…._

_Oops?_

707 19:24

_LOL_

_BUSTED_

Hye-Jin 19:25

_I guess it was worth it_

_Y’know_

_Since she found the love of her life_

_Or whatever <3_

Saeran 19:26

_Oh good_

_For a second I thought you were actually bitter_

Hye-Jin 19:28

_No, I don’t really get bitter about much_

_I was more pissed at how reckless she was being_

_Gave her a good earful when I got back and found out what happened_

707 19:29

_Hye-Jin givin off mom vibes lol_

Hye-Jin 19:30

_I’m just naturally a calm person_

_Min-Chae is more passionate_

_More emotional_

_But that has its advantages_

_She could lead a revolution if she wanted_

_And she’s good at getting people to trust her_

ZEN 19:32

_Yeah, we noticed_

_*happy emoticon*_

Jumin Han 19:34

_But what about you, Hye-Jin?_

_What are your natural strengths?_

Hye-Jin 19:35

_I can’t say I’m the best judge_

_You all may have to figure it out for yourselves_

_But I’ve been told by Min-Chae that_

_I’m a very relaxing presence_

_I’m dry-witted_

_Blunt to a fault_

_And I make people think deeply_

_Min-Chae has entered the chatroom._

_Jihyun Kim has entered the chatroom._

Min-Chae 19:37

_If I were the one to start a revolution_

_Hye-Jin would be my right-hand lady_

_My captain_

_My warrior_

_She leads life by example, not with pretty words._

707 19:38

_*love emoticon*_

_The friendship!!_

_It’s blinding!!_

Min-Chae 19:39

_Ours is like Jihyun and Jumin_

_Hye-Jin is the sister I never had, but always needed_

Hye-Jin 19:40

_You know I feel the same_

Min-Chae 19:42

_If I were into girls_

_I probably would’ve fallen in love with her_

707 19:42

_*what emoticon*_

ZEN 19:43

_*shock emoticon*_

Yoosung ★ 19:43

_*huh?! emoticon*_

Jihyun Kim 19:43

_*sweatdrop emoticon*_

Min-Chae 19:44

_*blow-kiss emoticon*_

_Don’t worry, love_

Hye-Jin 19:45

_You’re lucky she’s not my type, Jihyun ;)_

ZEN 19:45

_*shock emoticon*_

_Yoosung_ ★ 19:45

_*huh?! emoticon*_

Jihyun Kim 19:45

_*sweatdrop emoticon*_

707 19:45

Lol

Min-Chae 19:46

_*sigh emoticon*_

_Hye-Jin, stop teasing him_

Hye-Jin 19:47

_No_

_He’s my soon-to-be surrogate brother-in-law_

_And I will tease him how I please_

Jihyun Kim 19:48

_I don’t know if my heart could take it_

Jumin Han 19:49

_I’m here for you, Jihyun._

Saeran 19:51

_…._

_…I’m going to finish working._

_Good evening, everyone._

_Saeran has left the chatroom._


	3. III

It had been just over a week since I had met the R.F.A. Bright on a Monday morning, I was packing up to accompany a journalist for an article. I took a moment to top up the water for my desk friend: a pothos plant sitting in a glass jar with clear stones. I began zipping up my camera bag when said journalist rounded the corner and passed by the other desks to approach me. He was a newer employee, younger than me, and very green. He was kind of dorky and gangly, but sweet-hearted, with a pleasant smile and shaggy dark brown hair with dark-rimmed round glasses. He was unusually tall for a Korean man, but maybe it was an illusion due to his slippery-jointed and skinny stature. A stiff wind would blow this guy over.

“It’s a pleasure to work with you, Miss Moon.” He chirped. I wondered how many coffees he’d had today, or if it was just his natural disposition. “The older journalists say you’re one of the best. I’m really happy that you can contribute some striking images to elevate my article.”

“Park Haneul, right?” I asked, confirmed with a vigorous nod. He seemed surprised that I remembered his name. “You can call me Hye-Jin. We’ll probably be working together more in the future.”

Haneul’s eyebrows knit together as he flustered. “That’s…kind of informal.”

I shrugged. “No one’s forcing you. Would you prefer to call me by my surname?”

“I would, if it’s alright.”

I faced him squarely, drawing in a steady breath as I swung my camera bag onto my shoulder. A gentle smile from me managed to relax him. “Yes, that’s fine.”

His shoulders fell, but he remained standing tall and proud, giving me a meek smile back. “I guess we’ll get going then, _seonbae._ ”

I barely managed to hold back a snicker. “Lead the way, _hubae._ ”

Haneul was an exceptional driver as we made our way to the interview location. He regaled me on the context of the appointment. Apparently, he was attempting to get a first-hand account of the social change occurring among young women, wherein they were protesting the excruciatingly high beauty standards part of our culture. It wasn’t just women either—he wanted the opinions of men on how they viewed rebellious young women, and how they felt about the beauty pressures also placed on men. We were going to a public co-ed high school, where the girls and boys would be interviewed separately under the supervision of their teachers.

“It’s an extremely worthy subject,” I encouraged, somewhat missing the stimulating and energetic driving habits of my new friend, Saeyoung. “No wonder they assigned me to you. It makes sense to have a female perspective behind the lens for this.”

“What has been your experience?” Haneul inquired, glancing at me as we took a sharp right turn into the school parking lot.

I hummed in thought. “I suppose I’ve been a bit more rebellious. I was born with double eyelids, so I never had to deal with that. I was pressured to get nose surgery but refused. I do have a skin care routine, mostly for the sake of cleanliness, but I stopped bleaching my skin a long time ago. I don’t wear make-up unless it is for special occasions or interviews. Luckily, our office does not have a particularly strict dress code for women.”

“What do you mean?” he asked innocently.

I blinked, playing with the zipper of my camera bag. “Well, some workplaces require that women wear heels or wear certain kinds of make-up.”

He put the car into park, and the way he stared at me—you’d think he was an owl. “I didn’t know that,” came the small reply.

“It’s good that you’re willing to understand, though,” I returned, opening my door and rising out of the car.

After we signed in at the school’s office, the girls Haneul wanted to speak to were all gathered in a currently empty classroom. It was a fairly warm environment, not very cluttered, and the lights were not awful, so I silently gave thanks. Haneul was tense, clearly intimidated not only because of his inexperience but also by the subject matter. I didn’t say anything, but I shifted a little closer to him to get his attention, and offered a steady, encouraging look. He’d know that I was there with him, and that was enough.

Haneul greeted them all politely and took a seat across from them, while I remained standing. They all responded in kind, including their teacher, though somewhat hesitantly. They were tense, too. With another glance at me, Haneul crossed one of his long thin legs and propped up his notebook and pen on his knee, trying to assume a relaxed position. It was a step in the right direction. He began a sound recording on his phone.

“Ladies, I’m very glad that you all were willing to speak with me about this matter. While it is important for a journalist to remain objective, I want you to understand that I am a friend. I’m writing about this because I want people to know about it. It’s important.” He paused, his eyes flickering to me again. “This is Miss Moon, she’s the photographer working with me today.”

As they greeted me, I got the sense that he wanted me to rescue him for a couple minutes. “It’s a pleasure to meet you all,” I began, nodding kindly. “Mr. Park is right. We’re here to listen to your story and to hear your voice. I know it’s kind of hard to remain natural in front of a camera, but I’m going to do my best to show how passionate you all are about this.”

They all managed some small smiles, perhaps relaxing due to the older female presence in the room.

“Let’s being with some easy questions and some ice-breakers, yeah?” Haneul announced, and I inwardly sighed. Even with all his nerves, he had a good head on his shoulders.

As the interview proceeded, I walked about the room to find some interesting shots. They’d all gotten permission from their parents to be a part of this article, so I didn’t need to worry about obscuring any faces. It would prove rather ironic if I had to. I was particularly proud of a shot that lined them all up in profile, each face down the line just a bit farther ahead of the other, as the girl in front spoke with vigour about her experiences with beauty standards. The fear of being never being admired or loved was a common theme. For these girls, their sense of self-value was intrinsically linked to their appearance. It was like the girl in front was being supported by all the others behind her in the picture.

“Sometimes people try to be nice,” one of the girls said, her tone hot with frustration. “They say, ‘Oh, there are lots of types of beauty! You’re beautiful, too!’ It’s wrong.”

“You don’t want to be called beautiful?” Haneul asked.

“Beauty shouldn’t be the only thing a girl is good for,” she returned, looking stern. I caught another shot of her speaking. “I don’t want to be called beautiful if that’s all it means. I want to be called smart, and strong.”

“Do you think parents should be calling their little girls beautiful, or do you think they should call them smart and strong instead?”

Another girl stepped in this time, extending her hand to gesture as she spoke. “Parents should be calling girls those things equally, I think. Why shouldn’t a girl be called smart, strong, and beautiful? Why shouldn’t boys be called all those things, too?”

I smiled broadly as I looked at the last couple of pictures on the screen, and they all grinned back.

When we were finished with the girls, we had a few boys come in for their interview. There were only three; a small sample size, for sure, but Haneul was pleased to have them all. The boys relaxed quickly, perhaps because it was a man talking to them, but they were a little wary of my critical eye. They seemed a little put on the spot by me taking photos, so I waited until they were fully engrossed in the conversation.

“Do you feel like boys are under just as much pressure to have beauty as girls are?” Haneul asked, once they were comfortable after a few icebreakers.

The three of them hummed, looking at each other in thought. The one in the middle was the most outgoing, so he was the first to broach the subject. “I don’t know if its any more or any less, since I’m not a girl, but…I think it’s a different kind of pressure.”

“Yeah,” added the one on the right, leaning forward a little. “Girls have to be pretty to be fought over and wanted…boys have to be pretty in order to be able to fight to have a girl. For a girl to choose a boy, its better if he’s pretty.”

“It’s like life is this big game…why do we have to play it? Aren’t we better than that? Can’t we just live our own lives, without being lonely?”

It was enlightening, to hear boys take this seriously. When I was in school, boys were usually just loud and silly. Maybe these ones were tired of the norm, and this generation was the last straw. Some of the shots were satisfying, but I felt an artistic itch. Discreetly, I asked their teacher if I could borrow the use of a printer for a few minutes, excused myself, and returned a few minutes later just as Haneul was wrapping it up with the boys.

“I have this great idea for a photo,” I explained when he looked kind of confused about my brief absence. “But I need one of the girls in here with…” I scanned the boys, looking for the most talkative one, “…you. That okay?”

He nodded, sort of sheepishly. “Yeah, that’s fine.”

I positioned the two of them facing me on either side of one another, but turned slightly towards each other, and handed them a photo of a male model and a female model, respectively, on cheap printer paper. “Okay,” I said with a grin, positioning myself so the angle lined up with the symmetry of the room and the rows of desks. “I’m going to take a burst; do you know what that is?” They didn’t really confirm nor deny but looked uncertain. “It’s basically like rapid-fire. A bunch of photos all at once; several per second. What I want you to do is, on my mark, rip the photos down the middle. Try not to smile. I want you to look stern. If you feel the urge to smile, think about something that annoys you. Imagine someone is calling you names, and you about to give them the best comeback ever. Good?”

They nodded, grinning a little.

“Good! Alright,” I lined up my camera, shoulders and elbows in, adjusting my aperture. “Think about that terrible person…aaaand…rip!!”

The sound was sensational, especially the clicking of the burst that joined it. Their expressions were spot-on, and when they reached the bottom, the girl laughed loudly, encouraging the boy to mirror her. I gave them a big thumbs-up.

“Perfect! Now get to class and hold your head high.”

They bid us goodbye, leaving Haneul and I to get through all the pleasantries of thanking the teachers and the school officials. I was thoroughly socially exhausted by the time we returned to the car. One of the things I didn’t enjoy about being a photographer was the need to be super energetic for my subjects. Hence why I preferred photographing environments instead of portraits. But a job was a job, and this one was particularly rewarding.

We pulled back out onto the busy city roads when something occurred to me. “I didn’t ask you.”

“Sorry?” Haneul asked, interrupting a cheerful tune he was humming. I supposed he was proud with how smooth the interviews went.

“Your experience. With all this. I didn’t ask you.”

“Oh,” he murmured, hesitating. “I guess I didn’t think very hard about it. I was more focused on my studies or my career. Maybe that’s the difference between men and women right now. Men can do just fine in the workplace despite their looks, while women have to grasp at straws to cover the same distance.”

“Maybe,” I supposed. “I haven’t really thought about it too hard, either. That’s the problem with subjectivity. We can never truly know how the other feels.”

“But we can try to understand.”

I gave him a fond look, though it was a little melancholic. “You’re a good man, Haneul.” He sputtered, and I laughed. “Sorry, _hubae._ ”

I was eyes-deep in a homemade box of rice, seasoned tofu, and veggies when my phone buzzed insistently with a call. I quirked an eyebrow, swallowing my bite as I wondered who would be calling me during work hours. I briefly worried that Min-Chae was having a problem, but when I flipped it over, it was Jumin’s name splashed across the screen, calling through the messenger app. I cleared my molars of any stray pieces of rice and pressed the receive button, leaning back in my office chair.

“Jumin, how can I help you?”

“Miss Moon,” he greeted formally. “I hope I haven’t interrupted you at an inconvenient time.”

“Not at all, you’ve caught me on my lunch break,” I returned, squinting my eyes slightly. “But…you planned for that, didn’t you?”

“I thought if I were to call you at all during work hours, it should be at noon.” Indeed, it was just two minutes past noon. “I wanted to discuss business with you.”

I blinked. “Of course, go ahead.”

“I wish to engage your services as a photographer for some portraits of Elizabeth the Third,” he explained. “I’ve visited your freelancing website and familiarized myself with your commission rates. You sell yourself short.”

I pursed my lips with a smile. “I was trying to make myself affordable to the layman.”

“Expect I’ll be a handsome tipper.”

“I will expect nothing of the sort, Jumin, but you may do as you wish.”

I finally got him to pause before continuing. “Your suggestions for venues or environments for the portraits?”

“Outdoors would be ideal. Vegetation, particularly flowers, will be bright and relaxing for Elizabeth. She’ll also likely be more alert and stimulated outdoors, so the pictures will show her at her best.”

Jumin hummed in thought, a low, calming sound. “There is a rooftop garden on my penthouse. Elizabeth is familiar with it, so she will be relaxed there.”

I nodded absently. “I’ll need time with her, so she can become familiar with me. Does she have a friendly disposition?”

“Very. She loves new people.”

“Perfect. One more question. How old is she?”

“Why is that relevant?”

“Older cats take their time, they tire, and they are gentler in their movements, while younger cats are generally energetic and athletic. It’ll change how I interact with her and how I photograph her,” I clarified.

“Ah, I see. That is logical…” he seemed to trail off briefly. “I was not present for her birth, but I received her fairly young. It’s been five years since then.”

“Prime of her life, that’s lovely. I have an opening Saturday afternoon.”

“That will be fine. I’ll make arrangements for your transportation to my residence. You can text me your address later on.”

He knew what he wanted; I would give him that. But did he have to be so oddly demanding in his tone? “Alright. Is there anything else?”

“Well,” he inhaled shortly, surprising me. “How are you?”

“Pardon?” I said on instinct, but quickly overwrote myself. “I’m doing just fine. Enjoying my lunch. And you?” This was sort of strange. I felt uncomfortable, but I didn’t know exactly why.

“Oh, I’m very well. Things have been so much brighter since Jihyun has returned and seeing him so happy with Min-Chae—it puts me at ease.”

“Yes, I’m also very pleased that Min-Chae is happy with Jihyun, as well. It’s everything she deserves.”

“I suspect we are very similar, Hye-Jin,” he remarked.

“Maybe so,” I returned cautiously, that slight discomfort rising again. “I haven’t been friends with Min-Chae for as long as you have with Jihyun, but we are as close as kin, all the same.”

“Hm. I’ve spoken with you for longer than I intended. I’ll let you go.”

“Alright, take care.”

“Yes. Please excuse me.”

I hung up, paused, and got back to my lunch, munching on the meal and my thoughts equally. There was something odd about all this, but Jumin was kind, if a little lacking in understanding. He didn’t seem to know that the way he spoke to me was a little demeaning, so I couldn’t really hold it against him. A life in privilege did that to a person, I supposed.

Saeyoung messaged me with a picture. It was a just a selfie of him with two curved chips between his lips, appearing like a duck. I snickered, drawing the attention of a couple of nearby colleagues. With a silent blush of embarrassment, I watched as he began typing again.

_How’s work, news lady?_

I held out my phone in front of me on the desk, taking a pic of me, chopsticks in hand, with my lunch.

_Lunch break._

_Hey, me 2!_

_Chips and soda are not lunch, Saeyoung._

He replied simply with a photo of him sticking his tongue out at me, winking.

_Does Saeran have decent meal habits, at least?_

_He’s actually a pretty good cook. He brings me food sometimes. I think its how he shows his love for me UWU._

_Aw, how sweet._

_Hey, I never asked but, do u have siblings?_

_I have an older sister. We’re estranged, and she lives in Vancouver. Married some Canadian guy, but I’ve never met him._

_…dat sux. Do u mind if I ask wut happened?_

I shifted in my seat, wiggling my thumbs as I considered what and how much to say. _It’s kind of hard to explain, but…my parents are split. When my dad disowned me, I lived with my mom and she supported me through school. My sister stayed with my dad. Eventually, my sister moved to Canada, but she never bothered to renew our relationship._

_Did u try to reach her?_

_Yeah, I tried. She was polite but it was clear she wasn’t interested. I haven’t seen her in five years._

_I’m sorry to hear that._

_I appreciate that. Not much I can do about it, though. Besides, I have Min-Chae._

_U 2 are like Jihyun and Jumin. So different, but so close. Its kewl._

There was a pause as I tried to find a way to continue the conversation. Out of all the members, the twins were the most fun to be around, and the most natural friend material. I gravitated towards them, especially Saeyoung.

_Oh, Saeran just reminded me. U wanna come over for movie night on Sat? Like, 7? Saeran wants to begin the How to Tame Your Dragon trilogy._

_Yeah, I’ll be done my commission by then. I’ll be there at 7:07, at the latest._

_Ohohoho, a bold claim! God7 will be waiting with archangel Saeran and the cornucopia of Honey Buddah chips and Ph.D Pepper!!!! Don’t be late._

_Wouldn’t dream of it._

Jaehee Kang 23:04

_*cry emoticon*_

_Four project risk management reports to go_

_Before I can finally fall asleep…_

_Min-Chae has entered the chatroom._

Min-Chae 23:11

_There, there, Jaehee_

_I’ll treat you and Hye-Jin to coffee on Friday_

_Okay?_

Jaehee Kang 23:13

_Yes, thank you_

_If I’m not swamped with work then, too_

_Hye-Jin has entered the chatroom._

Hye-Jin 23:15

_Maybe I should change my username…_

Jaehee Kang 23:16

_Oh?_

_What would you change it to?_

Hye-Jin 23:16

_I’m not sure_

_I don’t have a pseudonym_

_It was just a whim_

Min-Chae 23:18

_Hye-Jin and whimsy…._

_Only when you’re fatigued_

_What are you doing up so late?_

_Normally you’re quite regular about sleep_

Hye-Jin 23:19

_Same as Jaehee, I’m afraid_

_I finished editing my photos at the office_

_But one of the other photographers has had misfortune befall him_

_And I’ve been assigned his work for the foreseeable future_

Min-Chae 23:21

_*shock emoticon*_

_Oh, I’m sorry to hear that_

_Is your colleague alright?_

Jaehee Kang 23:22

_I’m curious about the same_

Hye-Jin 23:24

_He is alright, himself_

_But his mother has passed after a long battle with cancer_

_It is a big blow for him_

_He’s on bereavement leave for the rest of the week_

_While he makes arrangements with his family_

Min-Chae 23:27

_Poor man…_

Jaehee Kang 23:28

_Loss is a hard thing…_

_You’re good to be helping with his work_

Hye-Jin 23:28

_I may have been assigned the work_

_But I’m happy to help_

_He’s always been kind to me_

Jaehee Kang 23:29

_I’m sorry to leave at such an ill time_

_But I must excuse myself_

_Or I’ll not get a wink tonight_

Hye-Jin 23:31

_That’s alright_

Min-Chae 23:31

_Take care, Jaehee._

_Maybe I can coax Zen into sharing a selfie tomorrow_

_To cheer you up_

Jaehee Kang 23:32

_*wow emoticon*_

_Jaehee Kang has left the chatroom._

Hye-Jin 23:34

_Hm._

Min-Chae 23:34

_I don’t know if you read the chat activity from earlier…_

_But Jumin began more cat-related projects_

_And Jaehee has to pick up the pieces behind him sometimes_

Hye-Jin 23:35

_Cats are a strange subject here_

Min-Chae 23:36

_A grand battlefield…_

_Jumin, the ardent admirer_

_Zen, the allergic adversary_

_…and Seven, the wild card._

Hye-Jin 23:37

_Emphasis on ‘wild’_

_On another note_

_How is Jihyun?_

Min-Chae 23:39

_He fell asleep at his easel half an hour ago_

_Paint smeared all over his fingers_

_And a bit on his cheek_

_*blow-kiss emoticon*_

_It was precious, really_

_I woke him to get him cleaned up and put him to bed_

_He was hardly coherent_

_I was worried he’d fall over_

_And I’d have to drag him_

Hye-Jin 23:40

_It’s those little things_

_That seem like the little blessings in a romance_

_The things that keep one in love for decades_

Min-Chae 23:42

_You’ve always been there for me_

_And now I’ve gotten my happy ending_

_No…_

_My happy beginning_

_*happy emoticon*_

_But now I want to help you_

Hye-Jin 23:45

_I don’t need romance to be happy_

_I’ve got a purpose for my life_

_I’m content_

_But if it is God’s plan to tie my life with another’s_

_Who am I to refuse?_  
  


Min-Chae 23:46

_It is a wonderful thing_

_I’m so grateful to share my life with Jihyun_

_We are…an unstoppable team_

Hye-Jin 23:47

_It is a lovely thing_

_To have someone to share intimate thoughts with_

_But, on yet another note_

_What are you doing up if your lover is asleep in bed?_

Min-Chae 23:48

_Oh, I took a nap earlier today_

_So I’m not as sleepy as I should be ^^_

Hye-Jin 23:48

_Ah, the privilege of working from home…_

Min-Chae 23:48

_There is still irritation to be had_

_From overseeing a digital museum archive_

_And being a graphic designer on the side…_

Hye-Jin 23:50

_I’m amazed you can remotely enjoy such dry work_

_Graphic design is somewhat par for the course for my job but_

_Museum archives…_

Min-Chae 23:51

_What can I say?_

_I like organization_

_And looking at old things_

_*happy emoticon*_

_Oh, speaking of which_

_I’ve put in the good word for you to my boss_

_For photographing artifacts for the website_

Hye-Jin 23:53

_O.O_

_You know what’s better than looking at old stuff?_

_Photographing old stuff_

_707 has entered the chatroom._

707 23:54

_F_

_F_

_F_

_F_

_F_

_F_

_F_

_F_

Min-Chae 23:55

_Seven, what’s wrong?_

Hye-Jin 23:55

_F for respect_

707 23:56

_*cry emoticon*_

_Sometimes_

_I get bored_

_Aaaaaaand…._

Hye-Jin 23:57

_You make impulsive decisions_

_that are only amplified by your specific expertise?_

707 23:58

_*shock emoticon*_

Min-Chae 23:58

_LOL_

_She’s got you pegged_

Hye-Jin 23:59

_Poor choice of words, but okay_

707 23:59

_*shock emoticon*_

Min-Chae 00:00

_You said it, not me_

_Anyway, Seven, go ahead and explain_

707 00:00

_Ahem_

_As I was saying_

_I got bored_

_And may have stirred the pot a little_

_On the internet_

Min-Chae 00:03

_*shock emoticon*_

_Not other hackers, I hope_

707 00:04

_NO!_

_I would never do that._

_To get myself involved with that crowd again…_

_It may endanger Saeran_

_Or all of you_

_Even if I was in the worst phase of boredom_

_I’d never._

Min-Chae 00:05

_I’m sorry, Seven_

Hye-Jin 00:06

_I don’t blame you_

_I’ve only been here for a small time_

_But I know that you really look out for everyone, Saeyoung_

_So what did you actually do?_

707 00:07

_I messed with a bunch of dirty cheaters_

_In LOLOL_

_Yoosung told me about this one guild_

_That destroys everyone else with veeeery specific methods_

_And I uh_

_May have_

_Stopped them_

_From doing that_

Min-Chae 00:09

_Hm. So gamer hackers_

707 00:10

_Their skills are hardly worth attention_

_But they were picking on Yoosung’s guild_

_So I froze their in-game assets_

_Found their emails_

_And sent them doodles of kitty cats_

_[image: screen monitor displaying an image of a crudely drawn tabby cat with a speech bubble that reads “You’re a cheating cock-sucker, meow.”]_

Hye-Jin 00:12

_I kid you not I just snorted my tea._

Min-Chae 00:12

_Take it easy, Hye-Jin_

_Seven, why did you spam the chat with fs?_

707 00:13

_Well one of them reported me_

_Which, y’know, no big deal_

_But they’ve just made new accounts_

_Made a new guild_

_Aaaaaaand…._

_Cracked down harder on Yoosung’s guild in retaliation_

_So now, I’m at a crossroads_

_Continue to troll them into submission_

_And protect Yoosung and his friends_

_Which is likely going to take a while_

_O_

_R_

_Abandon Yoosung to suffer the consequences of my actions_

_But not have to do any of the work_

Hye-Jin 00:14

_I can already sense that you’ve decided_

707 00:15

_Yoosung won’t even respond to my texts_

_~and I oooop~_

Min-Chae 00:16

_Normally I’d offer advice_

_But to be entirely honest_

_This is up to you, Seven_

707 00:16

_*cry emoticon*_

Hye-Jin 00:17

_It would probably take longer_

_To beat them into submission than waiting it out_

_It may seem temporarily unfair to Yoosung_

_But it is the best option_

707 00:19

_Hye-Jin coming in with the logic~_

_That was like the way Jumin solves problems_

Min-Chae 00:20

_Jumin would likely see your nonsense as not worth his effort_

_Though I certainly enjoy it_

_One thing you’ll learn about Seven, Hye-Jin_

_Is that he often uses the chat as a sounding board_

Hye-Jin 00:22

_I understand that_

_I only wanted to help_

_It seemed important to him_

Min-Chae 00:23

_Thoughtful._

_I’m glad that’s solved, because fatigue just hit me_

_I’m going to join Jihyun_

_Goodnight, you two_

Hye-Jin 00:24

_Night_

707 00:24

_Nighty-night!_

_Min-Chae has left the chatroom._

Hye-Jin 00:26

_…._

707 00:26

_…._

Hye-Jin 00:27

_._

_._

_._

707 00:27

_…… …… ……_

_. . . ._

_. …… ._

Hye-Jin 00:27

\--… ----- --…

707 00:28

★

Hye-Jin 00:28

_…_

_….can I have a kitty cat doodle?_

707 00:29

_*happy emoticon*_

_Of course lol_

_Any requests for your commission, dearest customer?_

Hye-Jin 00:30

_I’m very fond of black cats with amber eyes_

707 00:30

_GASP_

_Amber eyes?_

_Like…_

_Like moi et Saeran?!_

Hye-Jin 00:31

_Yup_

_So, will you draw it for me?_

707 00:31

_(please insert seven galaxy coins to complete the transaction)_

Hye-Jin 00:32

_Oof_

_I don’t have galaxy coins_

_Surely there’s another way_

_I.O.U.?_

707 00:33

_Alternative methods of payment include:_

_1: 7 years’ supply of Honey Buddah Chips_

_2: 7 years’ supply of Ph.D Pepper_

_3: Offering of ice cream (flavour unspecified)_

_upon your visit on movie night_

Hye-Jin 00:35

_I think I can manage ice cream_

_Though it is a dangerous item to acquire_

707 00:35

_I believe in you!!_

_Starlight Soldier Hye-Jin!_

Hye-Jin 00:36

_Starlight Soldier?_

_Is this because Min-Chae called me her right-hand lady?_

707 00:36

_That’s right!!_

_Min-Chae, our radiant Galaxy Queen_

_Jihyun, the gentle Constellation King_

_Jumin, the Duke of Dark Matter_

_And his Lady Elly, herself the brightest star!_

_Jaehee, the Moon who calmly pushes the tides—_

_Sir Zen, the Nebula Knight_

_Yoosung, the Comet with the soul of a boy~_

_And finally_

_The ones_

_The onlys_

_Saeyoung and Saeran, the Gemini:_

_Defenders of Justice._

Hye-Jin 00:40

_I know you were joking around but_

_That’s rather poetic, Saeyoung_

_Gemini, Defenders of Justice ^^_

_This Starlight Soldier needs her rest, though_

707 00:41

_Ah, look at the time!_

_I should probably sleep…_

_Maybe_

Hye-Jin 00:42

_Perhaps if you stargaze, you’ll grow sleepy_

_That’s what I’m going to do._

_Goodnight._

707 00:43

_Sweet dreams_

_Hye-Jin has left the chatroom._

707 00:45

_…_

_She’s right_

_I should stargaze_

_I’m feeling…._

_Weirdly sentimental_

_That’s what the night does to you, I suppose_

_Will we be looking at the same constellations?_

_707 has left the chatroom._


	4. IV

Friday morning was filled with pleasant conversation amongst coworkers and finalizing articles. Aside from taking and editing pictures for articles, I was also regularly charged with formatting pages to make them aesthetically pleasing. With the number of articles that we published daily, I wasn’t the only one, but now that the other photographer was out of commission until Monday, I was determined to go full throttle into focus mode. I knew that I had a coffee date with Min-Chae and Jaehee at six just a 15-minute walk away, but with no other concerns, I’d placed my phone on silent.

I didn’t even notice my phone light up as I went to stretch and collect more water in the lunch area. Some of my coworkers were standing about in idle chatter on their breaks; unremarkable men with hands in the pockets of their slacks while bright mouths passed the time with business and politics. There was only a handful of people I was fond of in my workplace, but even then, I’d never gotten particularly close to anyone. It wasn’t as if any of them genuinely cared if I died tomorrow. Save for one.

Haneul perked up at the sight of me, waving me over into his circle of two other journalists. They were both the cookie-cutter model of the professional man, which made them entirely uninteresting next to Haneul. He was so youthful looking, so tall, and so gangly. Today, like most days, he wore a waistcoat with his sleeves rolled up, defining him away from all the button-down pale dress-shirted men, while still fitting into the realm of business attire. His shaggy haircut and big round glasses also made me feel more comfortable. He was the only other person in their early twenties that I talked to frequently here.

Screwing the lid back on to my water bottle, I paced over in my mock-oxfords, nodding respectfully to the other men. I wasn’t the type to bow my head very far down around older men, and they seemed to notice.

“Mr. Park,” I began, a smile in my tone as I regarded Haneul. “I believe some congratulations are in order. Your articles are making a real splash.”

He blushed a little at the compliment. “Ha, maybe so. I’ve got so much to learn, still.”

One of the other journalists smirked at him. “That’s right; don’t get a swelled head. That’ll lead you to trouble.”

Haneul nodded. “Of course. Besides, Miss Moon, your pictures deserve much of the credit. Your sense of perspective is really effective.”

The other journalist gestured with his hand as he agreed. “I’ve already seen people reposting them on social media.”

I pursed my lips slightly, though with a forced smile. “With proper citation, I hope.”

He laughed, and Haneul appeared flustered. “Does it matter? Your photos are gaining popularity.”

I slid my eyes to the side. “What’s popularity when no one knows where to find more of my work, or worse yet, when other people take credit for it?”

“Oh, you are a greedy one, hm? Quite ambitious,” remarked the journalist closer to me. “Life’s full of misplaced credit, _hubae._ You better get used to it now.”

I bristled at the strangely inflexed tone he used to address me and locked eyes with Haneul. I didn’t expect him to save me, but he just sat pretty. Granted, he was nearly sweating from the tension, but he didn’t bother to offer his opinion or protest, either. I cooled the hot anger rising into my face with a stony, blank expression. _Don’t show them you care._

“It’s not about greed,” I said quietly, my tone indifferent as I stared, “nor ambition. You say I should get used to it? Well, I’m not satisfied with the status quo.” I shifted my weight from one hip to the other, turning my body away to leave the conversation, my eyes raking over Haneul as I left. “Please excuse me. I’ve much work left to do.”

I could feel his eyes resting on my back as I returned to my shared office.

The rest of the afternoon passed swiftly, and my mind cooled with the necessity of completing my work. Half-past five, I began to pack up in order to meet Min-Chae and Jaehee on time at six. I made a passing glance to the notifications left on my phone.

Saeyoung had texted with a picture again. I face naturally curled into a delighted grin when I opened it, discovering a pencil-crayon drawing of a fluffy black kitten, its bright amber eyes wide as the rest of its features blended in with its fur. It was a somewhat childish rendition, but still reasonably visually appealing. Above it was a speech bubble reading, “Happy Halloween, meow!” It wasn’t actually Halloween yet, but it was certainly close enough to be relevant.

_You’ve graced my eyes today, God7,_ I typed back, smile spreading further. _I’ll be sure to bring the finest of all ice cream from across the galaxy for Gemini._

_Make that epic Galaxy Trek, Starlight Soldier!! ^^_

Glancing up at the movement ahead of me, my face fell at the sight of Haneul making his way into the shared office just as the last of my officemates left with a cheerful farewell to me. Haneul made a short bow towards her to excuse himself for blocking her way before cautiously making his way to me, my desk between us. I didn’t greet him beyond a curt nod for the sake of politeness, immediately busying myself with sliding my laptop into my bag to take home for the weekend. No rest for the news media photographer.

“Miss Moon, _seonbae,_ ” he started, voice small and uncertain. He drew in a breath, seeming to find the gumption he needed. “Please accept my apology.”

I quirked a brow at him, zipping up my bag. “For what?”

“Our coworkers were being rude to you, and I did nothing.”

I shrugged, that stony feeling seeping into my fingers and face again. “I understand. You didn’t want to challenge your superiors. You learn from them daily, after all.”

“But who am I if I write about change and don’t try to transform the world for the better?” he insisted, tone growing stout. “You were right; you shouldn’t settle for status quo.”

I stopped, my palms tapping the surface of my desk as I inwardly sighed. Finally looking at him, I saw the serious expression and bright gaze. “Pretty words,” I muttered. “I respect you, Park. And I forgive you. But they’re just pretty words. Good evening.” I gave him a bow to highlight my point and pushed past him to leave.

As I walked around the block in the direction of the café Min-Chae designated for us, I wondered if I’d been a bit harsh. I never was very good at being flowery and feminine for people. I did what I had to for my job, but otherwise did the bare minimum in terms of pleasantries and pleasing. I didn’t need to make myself into something I wasn’t for the sake of people who wouldn’t give me a second glance. At least, not this borderline-androgynous, turtleneck-wearing shutterbug version of me. They’d double-take the real me, for sure.

I smirked, glancing at myself in the reflection of a building as I passed it by. It wasn’t quite sunset, but the colour of the sun grew warm against the sky. It reminded me of the lighter part of Saeyoung’s eyes when we’d first met. I shook my head, immediately reminded of that silly black kitten he drew. It made me realize, as the café came into view, that Saeran’s eyes were slightly different. His seemed to have a darker, more muddled colour, as if it had been mixed with another hue…

Min-Chae and Jaehee were even earlier than I was, having snagged a table on the patio of the café, the cool autumn breeze fresh for us to enjoy. I greeted them fondly, my address to Jaehee slightly more formal, and took my seat. We engaged in simple small talk until our orders were taken. Jaehee asked for a vanilla French-pressed brew, Min-Chae asking for a mocha, and me a cream chai tea. Left to ourselves, I folded my fingers together in my lap, playing with the edge of my fingerless gloves.

“Cat projects in hand, Jaehee?” I asked the other businesswoman. She looked smart in her snug sweater, the soft fabric accentuating her svelte figure, and I guessed that she had changed before arriving here. She even had a burette clip to push back her short brown bangs.

Jaehee sighed, removing her glasses and squeezing the bridge of her nose. “For now. What Mr. Han wants with a wine developed for cats, I have no idea…”

Min-Chae reached over to pat her hand; she was always exceptionally warm with small, unoffending gestures like that. “You’ve got Zen’s performance to look forward to tomorrow night, right? Jumin won’t take that away from you, or I’ll call on the fires of heaven upon his head. Trust me.”

This time Jaehee breathed a small noise of happiness. “Ah~ I’ve been anticipating this performance for some time!”

“I’ve looked him up since we all met,” I said. “He’s really quite talented. What’s this performance about?”

“It’s a production of Shookspeare’s _Helmet,_ ” Min-Chae relayed. “The Korean translation, of course. Though I’m sure Zen could handle all that old English prose if given enough time. Jaehee, Jihyun, and I are going to opening night tomorrow.”

Jaehee suddenly gasped and turned, wide-eyed, right to me. “I’m sorry, we didn’t even think to invite you! I don’t think we could get tickets so late. They’ve been sold out for some time.”

I waved it off gently. “Don’t worry! I’ve got plans.”

“Plans? Without me? Since when?” Min-Chae teased.

“Rude,” I retorted, sticking my tongue out at her slightly. “Jumin’s commissioned me for the afternoon, and the twins invited me over for movie night.”

“Oh, yes, I recalled Mr. Han saying…”

“The twins invited you over,” Min-Chae repeated softly. “Hm. Saeyoung’s a naturally friendly person, but Saeran takes longer to warm up to people.”

“Actually, according to Saeyoung, it was Saeran’s idea,” I clarified.

Jaehee’s brows rose. “Really? That’s surprising.”

“Ah, but Hye-Jin may be a kindred spirit,” Min-Chae gleamed.

I shrugged, looking away briefly. “Maybe. I don’t know everything that Saeran’s been through, or Saeyoung, for that matter, but they’re not the only ones that take a while to warm up to people.”

Jaehee gave a quizzical glance to both of us, and I chuckled lightly.

“Min-Chae says that I tend to be positively cold.”

“Ugh! I’ll say,” she said with a smile in her eyes. “When we first met in classes, it was like a business meeting with Jumin: cold as a bloody iceberg.” She paused as we received our drinks, and we said cheers after thanking our server. The chai tea was very aromatic and soft, with just the tiniest bit of sweetness, the spices making my nose tingle. Judging by the others’ expressions, they were just as satisfied. After taking a sip, Min-Chae continued: “It took me a week to see her smile. Two more to get her to string more than one sentence together.”

“I’m not like that anymore,” I returned. “I was very closed off and careful. I’d not had any friends in a long time.”

Jaehee smiled fondly. “Min-Chae must’ve opened you up with that wonderful charm of hers.”

“More like wore me down,” I replied, failing to hide a wry grin behind my mug as Min-Chae clicked her tongue at me with affection in her gaze.

“Anyway, you’re having movie night with the boys. I’m glad,” Min-Chae repeated. “I think you’re fitting in just fine.”

“We’ll see,” I said, eyes narrowing. “The next party is still two months away. I hope everything goes smoothly.”

“I’ve already got some guests confirmed,” Min-Chae chimed, sipping her mocha again. “It’ll be an interesting array by the end, I think. There are some really unique people that come, you know.”

“I’m excited to have them in my lens.”

There was a natural pause in our conversation as we enjoyed our respective drinks. To my surprise, Jaehee was the one to break the silence.

“I’ve only known you for a short time, but I’ve noticed something about you, Hye-Jin,” she says, her eyes fixed on me. “You’re always wearing a high-necked sweater—even in the few photos Min-Chae has shared with us. May I ask why that is?”

I gave a pregnant pause, carefully considering my response. Min-Chae said nothing, but I could sense her anticipation of my reply. “It’s just comfortable.”

Jaehee gave a look like she knew that I wasn’t telling the whole truth. “And your gloves? They keep your fingers free, but not your palms. I’m not trying to make you uncomfortable. It’s just unusual.”

“The R.F.A. is filled with the unusual,” Min-Chae mused.

“I just get cold easily,” I explained, unafraid to look at her squarely. “My hands get cold easily, but I still need my fingers bare for the camera.” It wasn’t a lie.

“I understand.”

“I have a question for you, too, Jaehee.”

“Of course.”

I opened my mouth to speak, then hesitated for a heartbeat. “Mm. How do you handle…being treated differently in your workplace because you are a woman?”

She blinked at me. “I strive to be an exemplary employee with absolute decorum at all times. I try not to be bitter, because I know that only quiet dedication will get me where I need to go.”

I hummed. “I admire you for that. I don’t think I can be so noble.”

Jaehee offered a comforting look. “Not every woman in business has to be like me.”

Min-Chae winked. “Yeah! You’re a warrior, remember? I know you’re the kind of person to make change happen, even if its just by living the way you want to live.”

“Challenging social norms is difficult,” Jaehee admitted, fiddling with the glasses between her fingers. “I can tell you are one to quietly pioneer it. It’s really true, what you both said in the chat a few days ago. Min-Chae is an amazing speaker, but I can tell that you, Hye-Jin, are the doer.”

“We’ll see,” I diffused, looking down at my tea.

Jumin’s penthouse was entirely too rich for my blood. Honestly, the entire arrangement made me feel complete out of place. I was picked up from my apartment after doing some work from home that morning, the valet incredibly courteous and sociable. He was generally quiet, leaving me to my own thoughts, but occasionally struck up polite conversation. For once, talking put me at more ease than staying silent.

When we arrived, I took a moment to gawk at the landscaping and glassy structure. I could see the rooftop garden, a couple of young trees creating a small canopy. My driver showed me the way inside, rushing my admiration of all the smooth, modern lines and details just at the front step and building lobby. I ran thought of at least six different photo ideas before I even exited the elevator and saw the man, driver by my side the whole time. I forced myself not to sweat at the sight of the bodyguards just outside the entrance to his residence.

Jumin was dressed impeccably, to no surprise of mine. Instead of the business formal attire I was expecting, he must have exchanged his suit jacket for a fine knit sweater similar to the one I first saw him in, his dress shirt collar folded over the woven neck. I, on the other hand, was dressed in what I would usually go to work in: dark pants, a turtleneck (this time with an argyle pattern across the chest), my mock oxfords, and my camera bag.

“Hye-Jin, welcome,” he greeted me as I took my heels out of my shoes in the foyer.

“Thank you for inviting me into your home,” I said, giving a short bow.

His face grew slack with what I could’ve sworn was near disappointment, grey eyes sharp. “You don’t have to be so formal. Please, come in. Driver Kim, thank you for bringing Miss Moon here. I’ll call on you again when our appointment is over.”

The valet nodded graciously and exited, leaving us alone. “Can I offer you anything? Refreshments, food—I recall you do not drink.”

I let out a quiet, nervous laugh, taking the place in. “No, I don’t—sorry for staring, I’ve never really…um.”

He gave me a kind smile, a warmth I had not yet experienced from him. For the first time, he really seemed _friendly._ “It’s alright.”

I glanced at the sharp, modern furniture, the fish tank built into the wall, the luxurious and spacious kitchen…it was open and crisp and, despite being exceedingly clean, felt lived in. “I’m just…thinking about pictures,” I confessed honestly. I gave a little breath again. “It’s the perfect reflection of your personality, somehow. I feel like I know you better just by being in here.”

Jumin poured me a drink of ice water, filling himself a glass of fine red. “Hm. The home is where the heart is, I suppose.”

“Yes,” I agreed simply, taking the cool glass from his lithe fingers, my left hand supporting my right wrist as I did so. “When do I get to meet the lovely lady?”

He seemed amused at my title for his precious cat. “She’s sunbathing on the roof in the garden,” he explained, his pace smooth as he walked back to the foyer. “Let’s bring these up, and we can make introductions.”

I trailed behind him, wide-eyed and a little sheepish, slipping back into my shoes as he held my drink, and me doing the same as he laced up his own true oxfords. Everything he did was calculated and smooth—not robotic as Zen claimed, since there was no stiffness or uncanniness to be found. Two bodyguards shadowed us silently as we ascended in the elevator, stopping just outside the door to the roof.

The garden was exquisite. It was late October, so I’d surely missed the lushness it would’ve had in the summer, but the roses were wilting in that nearly frost-bitten way that I loved, almost ready to be wrapped in burlap. Small fruit trees were waning, but the fall flowers coloured the roof with dark warm and cold hues. Some brown and brittle leaves were scattered about, but in the warm sun we were blessed with that day, it was hardly melancholic. The air smelled spiced, but I wasn’t sure from what. Some of the older trees supported there created patches of shade along the sides of the terrace. As Jumin promised, the sleek long-haired white Persian was sprawled out directly under a sunbeam on the smooth concrete, eyes sealed shut and tail lulling back and forth.

“May I?” I asked, my spirits lifted in such a place.

“Of course,” he returned with a serene expression. I suspected that being up here relaxed him, as well. Or maybe it was just Elizabeth.

I dropped my bag gently, slowly making my way over to her. Fearing I’d spook the lovely cat, I purposefully scuffed my foot against the floor and stopped, waiting for her reaction. Her head lifted and she peered at me with her big sapphire eyes. After seeing Jumin, they narrowed, but she didn’t get up. Her tail didn’t change its rhythm; she only watched me carefully. I could feel Jumin’s gaze on me as well as I crouched and extended my hand to his feline friend. Elizabeth sniffed cautiously, rubbing her snout and cheeks against my fingertip gently, her whiskers feeling coarse against me.

“Interesting approach,” Jumin remarked, the sound of his voice making her more alert. She finally got up to greet her owner as he crouched down not far from me, pressing her cheek and side into his knees and gentle hand before doing the same to me.

“Your presence certainly helps relax her,” I deflect. “Upon a meeting, it’s important to let a cat know where you are before you approach, and to always allow them to come in direct contact first. It gives them a sense of control.” I reached behind me for my camera bag, carefully constructing the pieces I needed and allowing her to smell and curiously inspect each one. Jumin watched with interest. “She really is a friendly cat. You brought treats, right? We might need them to coax her to certain places.”

We spent the next hour getting Elizabeth used to my presence and allowing her to roam about the garden as she pleased. I’d managed to get a few shots in as she stalked amongst the potted flowers and sat poised on the fenced ledge next to a patch of orange-red mums. A later application of a treat in the sunburst honey locust tree and a prayer for good luck rewarded me with her gripping onto the sturdy lower branch. I loved placing her in thirds, but I couldn’t resist a slightly lower shot of her surrounded by the bright yellow fern-like leaves, eyes wide and dark blue with her large pupils.

As I watched her carefully for more potential photos, Jumin and I strolled back and forth on her whim, passing pleasant conversation while the afternoon waxed. He asked me several questions about my life, my schooling, and my career, and I took it as polite interest.

“You met Min-Chae in university, I recall her saying,” he said, voice low and calm.

I lowered myself to press my belly to the cold concrete, taking a very low ground shot of Elizabeth as she, literally, cat-walked towards us from rows of aging roses. “That’s right. We both went to SKY, though I took a term in America during my last year. That’s when she met all of you.”

“Did you enjoy your studies in America?” he asked.

I picked myself back up, looking the recent photos over. “Yeah, it was really different. I’m pretty good at English, so it wasn’t much work to get past the language barrier. I made some good friends…though, it’s long distance.” I paused, thinking. “Americans are kinda brash, huh?”

One corner of his mouth curved into a smirk. “Somewhat. They have very different manners than us.”

“Do you find, in your meetings with Americans, that they do more to cater to our culture, or that you have to do more to accommodate them?” I inquired.

Jumin appeared to give that some thought. “Hm. It depends on the person. Generally, they do their best, but I can tell that they have to think harder about it.” I nodded in acknowledgement but didn’t look up. “Allow me to ask…how do you feel you are fitting in with the R.F.A.?”

I blinked up at him, not really sure how to answer. “Jaehee is extraordinarily kind and accommodating. Jihyun has been borderline familial with me, thanks to my strong connection with Min-Chae. Yoosung hasn’t engaged with me much, but we’re friendly on the messenger. He seems very busy with getting his veterinary license. Zen is shameless and flirtatious, but I appreciate his genuine ability. I think we could be good friends, Jumin,” I finished. “I feel like we have similar dispositions.”

“Couldn’t agree more,” he returned quickly, smiling at how Elizabeth was pacing figure-eights between his ankles. “And the twins?”

My face grew warm at the thought of Saeyoung calling me Starlight Soldier and sending me that kitten drawing. “Saeran is something of a kindred spirit,” I said quietly. “And Saeyoung….he’s peculiar, but I like peculiar. He’s so different from me, but I’m always very pleased to speak with him.”

The fondness in my tone and my small smile caught Jumin’s attention. Instead of the positive feedback I was expecting, he seemed to withdraw in his body language, though his expression remained very trained. “I see. I’m glad that you are getting to know everyone better. Have you gotten a satisfactory count of photos?”

“It’s not really about my satisfaction,” I mused.

“True, but I trust you with the arrangement, and I wouldn’t want to take up your time too much.”

“I think I can certainly work with what I’ve got. If you want more when I’m done editing, then you know where to find me,” I conceded.

“Of course.”

I excused myself from his home shortly after, finding that I had to let out a held back breath once away from the scrutinizing gaze. The friendly Mr. Kim took me home again, and I got lost in several trains of thought. It was delightful to have a commission for a cat, and although I could certainly imagine a strong friendship with Jumin, something made me uneasy in his presence. I suspected it was the manner in which he examined everything carefully, but I couldn’t be certain.

Arriving back to my tiny studio flat, I immediately began editing the photos with one of my playlists streaming through my earbuds, and quickly all discomfort dissipated. I wondered quietly if I should ask Min-Chae if she could shed light on my questions. Then I saw the time.

I needed to buy ice cream.


	5. V

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been asked what the release schedule is for this fic...it's about 2-3 days per chapter, if I don't forget.

The twins’ house was…interesting.

Min-Chae had once told me that Saeyoung had spent the better part of is late teens and early twenties living completely on his own in a partially underground bunker while he worked as a hacker. This was all in service of protecting his identity from his very corrupt and homicidal father. I remembered when that scandal hit the news; it completely destroyed the man’s career. Regardless, when Saeran was more or less settled into his new life with his brother a couple months after returning with Jihyun, they moved on from the bunker. According to Min-Chae, Saeran couldn’t stand the fact that there were no windows.

The house was in a part of the city that allowed for a bit more greenspace and the small yard was sheltered from view with high hedges. If it weren’t late fall, I would be able to see that these hedges had some type of small flower scattered throughout, judging by the brambled look of them. The building itself had two floors and was narrow from the front, and the modern lines with large panes of glass and wood made it look even more like a small tower, of sorts. From the front step, the room above was very visible through the large window, where a line of succulent plants sat happily in the late afternoon sun. Beyond that, it appeared that there were even more types of flowering plants that I couldn’t make out.

Bag on back, camera on neck, and box in hand, I knocked sharply on the door and rocked back and forth from one leg to the other as I waited patiently for the answer. What I was initially greeted with was loud, but subdued, thumps of hard-hitting footsteps. Another set joined it, and I grew tense but excited in anticipation. Then I heard someone yelling, but not in anger.

“—want—the door!”

“Stop—weird! It—not be—”

I quirked a brow with equal parts interest and apprehension. The box holding the frozen treats was growing slick with condensation, so I adjusted my posture. Then the footsteps grew closer, and the door opened to reveal the exasperated expression of Saeran. He was dressed in a loose pullover with the neck stretched out and lop-sided, showing his collarbone. His ginger hair was tousled, like he’d just woken from a nap.

“Hye-Jin,” he drawled, giving me a look. “Nice to see you.”

“I TOLD you it was her!! I’ve got a sixth sense. Ooh, a _seventh_ sense—”

Saeran clicked his tongue and whipped his head around to hiss, “But if it wasn’t, you would’ve made some other poor soul think we’re lunatics!”

I tried really hard not to laugh. “Nice to see you too, Saeran.”

“Hi, Hye-Jin!!” Saeyoung cried out happily, poking his head out to rest on Saeran’s shoulder. The younger twin didn’t protest. The older stuck his tongue out at me. I stuck my tongue out right back, surprised when he suddenly gasped, “So cute! Like a kitty-cat.”

I retracted my tongue and gave an awkward grin. “Uh, I brought ice cream?”

Saeran sighed, but he was smiling, and literally shrugged off Saeyoung. “C’mon in. We’ve made you stand out there long enough.”

The inside of the house was clean and warm with lots of natural light. I suspected that was mostly Saeran’s influence on home choice. It was an open concept, like much of interior design, with the sitting room, dining room, and kitchen all part of the same big space. The kitchen had an island counter with three booth seats and a small dining table nearby. The long, L-shaped, plush couch separated the sitting room and the TV from the rest, and a half-bathroom and laundry room lead adjacent to the kitchen and foyer.

“You have a lovely home,” I remarked politely, but I really did mean it. Saeran was kind enough to hang up my jacket for me and Saeyoung had unburdened me of the ice cream, immediately opening the box with a delighted mention of ‘orange cream-cicle’. “I noticed you keep a lot of plants upstairs.”

“Ah,” Saeran responded, smiling sweetly. “Yeah, that’s my office, I guess. My computer’s up there. Plants help me feel calm.”

“I keep a few cactus-babies in my kitchen window,” I said, offering a kind look.

“My office is up there, too,” Saeyoung explained, opening one of the cream-cicles. “It’s in the room next door.”

“Though his floor is positively littered with machine parts,” Saeran mused.

“Can’t say I have any of those in my kitchen,” I said smartly, and was rewarded with Saeyoung’s chirp of laughter.

“ _Hyeong_ , you could at least offer our guest the ice cream she brought before pigging out,” Saeran scolded softly.

“I don’t mind,” I returned with a shrug. “It was more for you two than for me.” I noted how, despite Saeran being the younger twin, he very much acted like the older sibling. I also observed, with some silent humour, that they were wearing the same colour. Saeyoung was wearing a flannel button-up with the sleeves rolled to his elbows, but both the boys’ tops were maroon. I wondered if it was a coincidence, or perhaps that they often accidently wore similar colours.

When Saeyoung pulled the cream-cicle out, he paused, suddenly appearing pensive. I panicked a little.

“You said it didn’t matter what kind—”

“The kind you can share with a friend,” he spoke softly, his gold eyes finding his brother’s face. Saeran gazed at him tenderly, and a nostalgic but melancholic look passed between them. Saeran padded into the kitchen to meet him, and they broke the orange ice cream treat apart right down the middle. I blinked curiously but didn’t say anything until Saeyoung turned to face me, the broadest, most genuine smile spread across his face. “This is our favourite kind, Hye-Jin. Did Min-Chae tell you?”

I shook my head. “No. It’s just…it’s my favourite, too.”

“With whom did you share yours?” Saeran inquired, gently biting into the orange coating to get at the vanilla cream.

I shifted, reaching down to place the cap on my lens and leave my camera by my bag. “My mom.” I straightened back up, smoothing out my sweater. “Now, what’s this about chips and a movie I keep hearing about?”

“To the couch, Starlight Soldier!” Saeyoung trumpeted, marching over to the sitting area.

Thanks to how sprawling the large article of furniture was, the three of us could take places at a comfortable distance from each other. I balled myself up at one end with a fluffy throw blanket that Saeyoung offered with a kind look. I thanked him with a careful look of my own, stifling an odd sensation that flared up within me. Saeran took the liberty of adjusting the settings of the TV display and starting the movie while Saeyoung cracked open a fresh can of soda and tossed me a snack-sized bag of these honey chips he always talks about.

With his first slurp, he exhaled happily. “Ah~”

I couldn’t help but lopsidedly smirk, pulling apart the seam of the chip bag and sampling a crisp. It was sweet, salty, and rich. They were certainly delicious, but not the sort of thing you’d want to be eating all the time. “Hm,” I hummed aloud, thoughtful.

Saeyoung split a smile at me that barely showed his teeth. “You like?”

I nodded, going in for another. “Yeah, they’re really unique.”

He laughed at my innocent, curious expression, the sound of it leaving him not unlike the lid of a jar popping. “I knew you would. She’s just sensible, right, Saeran?”

“Whether Hye-Jin is sensible has nothing to do with chip flavour preference,” Saeran replied flatly, finally settling as the film began. He opened an app on his phone and gently lowered the lights, and I briefly marvelled at the technology this home afforded. Though, with two genius twins as its residents, I shouldn’t have been surprised.

Saeyoung slouched in his seat and puffed his cheeks out a little, his glasses falling down the bridge of his nose. “I’d say it says a lot.”

“What, you didn’t know about the chip-flavour profiling system they have now?” I teased, glancing over at Saeran. He smirked and rolled his eyes. “It’s an experimental psychological test. I read a science journal article all about it.”

Saeyoung’s eyes lit up. “We should tell Yoosung that and see if he falls for it! I could make another fake webpage and—”

“As funny as that would be, stop plotting new ways to torture our friends and let me watch this movie,” Saeran groaned. “You don’t mind that it’s the English version, Hye-Ji?”

I shook my head. “Nah, I’ll get by.”

I’d heard this trilogy of movies was really good. The first installment was almost ten years old already, but the animation held up very well and the plot was incredibly compelling. Saeyoung couldn’t get over the cat-like cuteness of the dragon the protagonist had befriended. Saeran was very quiet and focused through most of it, and when I spared a look towards him, I noticed how captivated he was. His eyes were sharp, and his expressions changed easily from the emotion of different scenes.

Saeyoung verbalized his excitement at some scenes but grew eerily quiet in others. When the protagonist was genuinely discouraged, he was uncharacteristically somber and sympathetic. I observed his tenderness especially at a more comfortable and peaceful part of story, tracing the outline of his features with my eyes as the screen reflected in his lenses. He seemed moved by the friendship and blooming romance the protagonist was experiencing after years of ridicule and judgement. I found that very interesting, and for the first time in a very long while, I found myself preferring to observe in silence rather than capture with a camera.

Sensing the climax of the tale brewing, Saeran took the opportunity to pause and excuse himself to the bathroom briefly. Saeyoung and I waited patiently in the dim lighting, and he caught me staring at his soft profile. He was still caught in that pensive, vulnerable state, but managed to crack a smile at me.

“What?” he asked, breathing a short chuckle.

I shrugged, pulling my mouth to the side. “Nothing.”

He waggled his eyebrows and struck a model pose in his seat. At this point, I was facing him with my feet up on the cushions and my knees bent up to my chin. “Well, take a picture, dahling, it lasts longer.”

I snorted softly. “No, I’d rather just look at you.”

He blinked. Perhaps I shouldn’t have been so blunt. “Really?” His voice sounded strangely raw just then, sharpening my attention despite my drowsiness.

“Yeah,” I murmured back, my volume so low, I even surprised myself.

He quickly snapped back to his usual jokester self, lolling his head to the side to pull at his collar dramatically. “Whoo! Is it hot in here? I must say, Mister Darcy, you really know how to flatter a lady!” When he exposed his neck with the gesture, I glimpsed a necklace resting against his collarbone and disappearing into the inside of his shirt. It was a string of smooth, polished, dark beads, though they looked a little weather-worn even in the dim lighting.

“A rosary?” I inquired immediately, not able to help my curiosity. He paused to give me a quizzical look, and I pointed vaguely in the direction of his neck.

“Oh,” he said, his long, thin fingers absently finding the exposed string for a moment. He didn’t pull it out, though. “Yeah, it’s a rosary.”

“I thought Catholics didn’t wear rosaries around their necks,” I recalled.

He shook his head, red bangs waving in front of his eyes. “Not usually. A rosary isn’t jewelry to be shown, but that’s why I hide it. I find its easier to remember to pray if I keep it this close.”

I realized this was one of the first serious conversations I’d ever had with Saeyoung, but I hardly minded. If it was going to be about any subject, I rather liked that it was this one. “I understand. I remind myself to pray by writing it down every night.”

His gold eyes perked up more at that, his mouth slack for a moment. “You’re—”

“I was raised Protestant by my mother,” I explained, smiling sweetly. “But I’m not really…denominational, these days. I’ve never attended mass, but I’d like to. What’s it like?”

Saeyoung chuckled lightly, his gaze bright as it held mine steadily. “Different from a Protestant church,” he said.

“Surely some things are similar?” I asked, leaning my head into the back of the couch.

He did the same to remain level with me, offering a mischievous smirk. “Well, sure. Maybe you’ll have to come with me some time and find out for yourself.”

My face grew warm, but I wasn’t sure if his invitation was flirtatious or earnest. “Maybe I will.” There was a small pause as we just stared at each other. “Does Saeran attend?” I continued.

His expression wavered a little. “He’s…he has a hard time with Christian imagery. I think he believes in God; he just doesn’t like the whole—I dunno— _institution_ of religion. For good reason.”

I nodded thoughtfully. “Lots of people aren’t really into all that. But, having his heart in the right place matters more.”

Saeyoung hummed in agreement, and our conversation took a natural close as Saeran returned to resume the film. This time, he deposited himself onto the couch closer to his brother, so they were touching shoulders. I smiled fondly before turning my attention back to the screen. My eyelids grew heavy towards the end, the movie not at all to blame, feeling the fatigue of the day hit me as we approached nine o’clock. I wasn’t much of night owl anymore, thanks to getting a regular day job.

I’d managed to stay awake until Saeran replenished the lights in the room. Saeyoung took a big long stretch with a dramatic sigh, his shirt riding up a little to expose a small band of skin on his stomach. His hip bones jut out a little against the belt, and I glanced away out of respect. I was still curled up, sitting side-ways and leaning my side into the back of the couch, sinking into the plush cushioning. My eyes remained half-lidded as I offered a small smile.

“That was really good,” I said quietly. “I can see why you wanted to start this series, Saeran.”

“You’re free to come back same time next week for the second one,” Saeran suggested, already cleaning up after Saeyoung’s soda can and my empty chip bag. “You’re good company to keep.” He was so sweet as he said it, I hardly could’ve said no.

“If you’ll both have me again,” I agreed, stretching back to bend my spine along the armrest behind me. As I sat up and straightened my legs out properly, a yawn crept onto me, eyes watering in the process.

“Kitten’s sleepy,” Saeyoung remarked with a wry grin. His eyes were soft as he added quietly, “Shall I drive this Starlight Soldier home?”

“Yes please.”

Saeyoung threw his head back to look at his brother upside-down in the kitchen. “You wanna come, Saeran _-a_?”

The younger twin shook his head. “Nah, I should work on some stuff for the intelligence unit before bed. You should too, slacker.”

Saeyoung waved a hand. “Pff. Cat Daddy can handle it if I’m a little late turning in the project.”

“Won’t it be Jaehee’s problem, though?” I supposed, climbing out of the couch to recollect my things.

He glanced at me, considering it for a moment, then let out an exasperated sigh. “Ah~ You’re right.”

“Glad someone can hold you accountable,” Saeran mused in good humour.

Saeyoung walked us out to his car, which was one of two very attractive sports vehicles in the small garage. I guessed that the other was Saeran’s, but I wasn’t sure if he even had a license. As I settled into the passenger’s side, we fell into a reasonably comfortable silence. With nighttime traffic, I guessed it wouldn’t take longer than twenty minutes to arrive at my apartment building.

After a few quiet minutes, I noticed that the hand Saeyoung wasn’t using for the wheel was tapping a random rhythm out on his bony knee. He chewed the inside of his cheek as he watched an intersection thoughtlessly.

“You look like—”

“ _Shit_ —oh, sorry,” he stumbled, giving me a scattered look before returning his attention to the road. “Sorry, sorry, you just startled me. I didn’t expect you to start talking.”

I shifted in my seat a little. “Mm. Sorry for that.”

He shook his head with a smile and urged the car forward when the light turned green. “It’s fine. You’re just so stoic, I thought you’d stay quiet. What were you going to say?”

“You looked like you wanted to say something,” I repeated.

He breathed a laugh through his nose at the irony, prompting me to grin a little in response. “Min-Chae’s right. You’re not easy to fool.”

“Somewhat troublesome for the trickster god,” I returned, staring openly at him as he watched ahead.

“I like trouble,” he chuckled. The mixture of seriousness and humour in his tone made that increasingly familiar feeling flutter. “I was thinking that you’re a lot different than me.”

“I said something similar to Jumin today.”

“Jumin?”

“Yeah, I did a commission for him. I’ll send you the pictures of his cat I took, if you like,” I explained, laughing at his little outburst of ‘Elly!’ before I continued. “He asked me how I was getting along with everyone. I said that you’re really different than me, but I like that we’re different.”

Saeyoung hummed in thought, and I waited for a minute until he could form his reply. “You’re quiet and sarcastic, like Saeran, I guess.”

“You obviously know him better than me, but,” I pondered, “Saeran is snarky, but soft. I’m…not soft.”

“Are you not soft, or do you choose not to be?” he challenged, surprising me.

I blinked at him, considering that for a couple heartbeats. I decided not to continue, instead turning my head to stare out my side window as something tugged my heartstrings.

“Ah, the Starlight Soldier can’t show her feelings, can she?” he observed. “She’s been on the battlefield too many times. She’s not like the queen Min-Chae, who can be so emotionally honest.”

I pinched the fabric of my fingerless gloves firmly. “And Gemini has two sides: one who hides and one who laughs, but both are hurting.”

Saeyoung fell silent, so I let it be. If he was going to call me out, he should know that I wasn’t afraid to bite back. As he pulled us into the drive of my apartment complex, a twinge of guilt crept into me, and I wondered if I should have been so confrontational. But now, it was too awkward to apologize.

“Thank you from bringing me home,” I said, gathering my bag and stepped out. “I hope our friendship can continue to grow.”

He waited until I walked into the building, and I gave one last light wave goodnight. What I didn’t see was how he let his forehead fall onto the wheel in exasperation. Instead, I lost myself to my thoughts as I climbed the stairs to my flat and wondered if this was the start of something. I prayed that the risk of going down this path would be overcome by the potential reward.

_Saeran has entered the chatroom._

Saeran 21:41

_Did you make it home okay, Hye-Jin?_

_Hye-Jin has entered the chatroom._

Hye-Jin 21:53

_Yes, of course_

_Why?_

_Did Saeyoung not return yet?_

Saeran 21:54

_He did_

_But he just went into his office without saying anything_

Hye-Jin 21:55

_Perhaps I upset him_

Saeran 21:56

_Did you say anything that would make you think that?_

Hye-Jin 21:56

_I’m not sure_

_707 has entered the chatroom_

707 21:57

_No, Hye-Jin_

_You didn’t upset me_

_Don’t worry_

_*happy emoticon*_

Saeran 21:59

_Did I miss something?_

Hye-Jin 22:00

_No, it’s just_

_Sometimes I say things too frankly_

_And I can hurt people’s feelings_

_I was worried_

_That I did that without realizing it_

707 22:02

_You just gave me food for thought_

_So, don’t worry~_

_Starlight Soldier_

Hye-Jin 22:03

_Alright_

_I’ll see you guys next week :)_

_I hope you sleep well_

707 22:04

_Nighty night~_

Saeran 22:04

_Night._

_Hye-Jin has left the chatroom._

Saeran 22:05

_…_

_What did you two talk about?_

707 22:06

_Constellations_

_707 has left the chatroom._

Saeran 22:07

_Sigh…_

_Idiot…_

_You know you can tell me anything_

_…right?_

_Saeran has left the chatroom._

I rolled over for the eleventh time, shifting my hips against the mattress restlessly. Nothing was working, and I desperately resisted the temptation to turn on my phone to check the time again. Staring at a clock wouldn’t help me sleep, and I had church in the morning. I tried mentally reciting what I could remember of the dry and long-winded book of Leviticus, and then imagined playing a childhood video game, but to no avail. My train of thought continuously drifted back to Saeyoung, his dark-honey eyes, and his fluffy ginger hair. I recalled admiring the way the edges of his ears peeked out from around the gentle red curls and how his thin grin tugged at the corners of his mouth. Even some of his flaws, like how his teeth were slightly crooked, or his slightly chapped lips, were becoming endearing.

My mind took a darker turn. I recognized the signs of catching feelings and resisted the temptation. It wouldn’t do either of us any good, likely. I didn’t know everything about what had transpired within the R.F.A., but I knew that Saeyoung’s priorities lay with his brother’s continued improvement in health and happiness. And me, well…a failed romantic venture would only leave me further disappointed in humanity and myself. I replayed our conversation in the car, self-hatred growing colder at my impudence and insensitivity. It was obvious that he was pretending to not be offended by what I said. I had to make this right if we were to resume a peaceful friendship.

I wrestled my phone out from under my pillow and opened the direct messages from the R.F.A. It was well past one in the morning.

_You awake?_

_Ya. Been workin_

_Can I call you?_

I picked at a crease in my bedsheets as I waited for a response, blinking slow with sleep-sticky eyelashes. My heartrate spiked when my phone began to vibrate in my hand, his profile image of one of his crayon-drawn cats plastered across the screen brightly. I held back a curse and steeled my nerves.

“Hi,” I greeted, my voice low in the quiet of the night. Sound didn’t travel far to the neighbours here, but I wanted to be sure.

“Hey,” he said equally softly, and instantly my chest ached a little. “What’s up? I’ve gotta talk quiet; Saeran’s asleep in the other room.”

“I’m sorry,” I said honestly, my tone becoming strained before I could stop it. “I just—you told me not to worry, but I am anyway.”

He hummed low. “You didn’t offend me.”

“I’m not talking about offense,” I pressed, rubbing the bridge of my nose and running my hand through the top of my fluffy dark hair. “I feel that I’ve hit a nerve. I did so on purpose because you hit one of mine.”

Saeyoung laughed slightly, breathy. “Then am I not the one to blame for that?”

I made a small noise of protest. “I don’t want to talk about blame.”

“What do you want to talk about, Hye-Jin? Why did you want to call me?”

“I—” Pausing, I formed the sentence carefully with a long breath. “I don’t want to start our friendship with an unresolved hurt.”

“I’m not hurt,” he rebutted.

“You’re a terrible liar,” I said quickly and curtly.

“Really? I must be losing my touch. I used to lie for a living, you know. Well, it wasn’t really living.”

“Saeyoung.”

He sighed. “Would it make you feel better if I said I was hurt, so you can apologize and feel better about yourself?”

I bristled. “No, fuck—I want the truth!” I winced at my raised voice. I wasn’t loud enough to be considered a disturbance, but it rang in my own ears.

The was a lengthy pause, enough to make me sweat a little in anticipation. Finally, his voice broke through again. “Hye-Jin…you didn’t hurt my feelings. You surprised me because you had me figured out in one sentence. It seems you surprise me a lot. Must be because we’re so different, like we said.”

“No one can be summed up in one sentence,” I protested.

“No, but you figured out that I hide my feelings with humour, and you’ve barely been part of the R.F.A. for a few weeks. That’s Jumin levels of personal judgement, right there.” He paused again, which allowed me the time to sink that in.

“You must be pretty good at it too, to know that I conceal most of my emotions.”

He made a brief noise in thought. “It used to be part of my old job but…that was a long time ago. I think I just noticed because you show more around me?”

I bit the inside of my cheek lightly. “You’re easy to be around.”

“Can’t say I hear that incredibly often,” he admitted. “But…Hye-Jin. I’m sorry that I hit a nerve for you.”

“No, I’m okay. I guess…you surprised me, too.”

“Now _that_ I do hear often.”

I giggled, instantly relaxing. “I’m glad that we can talk like this.”

“Yeah. Something tells me this is how you figure things out,” he remarked, his voice getting a little raspy. I guessed he was getting sleepy. My fatigue made everything feel soft around the edges.

“Does it help you, too?”

“Hearing your voice helps.”

I flushed darkly, even the skin of my chest becoming blotchy at such a revelation. “Oh, um. Th-Thank you?”

He laughed again. “Relax, relax. I just meant that talking to someone helps me distract and sort out my thoughts.”

“Min-Chae did say you liked using the chatroom as a sounding board,” I recalled.

“Yeah, she’s got everybody figured out. We’ve been through hell and back with her. Jihyun’s a lucky guy to have her,” he said, sounding wistful.

A pit formed in my stomach, and I swallowed hard. “Are you jealous?”

“I think we’re all jealous,” Saeyoung admitted easily, to my surprise. “Maybe not because of her specifically, but what she represents. Someone to share a life with, y’know? But her personality is most compatible with Jihyun’s.”

“She’s so happy that now she’s on a mission to get me paired off,” I snickered.

“Oh yeah~?” he teased, and I could practically hear his eyebrows waggling the way he always made them. “Min-Chae matchmaker! God Seven is a pretty good matchmaker himself, you know…”

“I’d rather wait for God’s guidance, if you don’t mind,” I mused. “The real one. But thank you anyway.”

“Ooh, good answer. But you’re sounding sleepy, Soldier. You should rest.”

“You too. You’ve got mass tomorrow, right? Well, this morning, now, I suppose,” I asked, my eyelids dropping like they did when I was sitting on the couch back at the twins’ place.

“That I do.”

“Did you mean it? That I can come sometime?”

“Of course. Whenever you want, I’ll take you,” he replied.

“Alright, thank you. Goodnight, Saeyoung.”

“Night, Hye-Jin.”


	6. VI

Work was tense since my conversation with Haneul. He didn’t seem bitter, only cautious; I guessed that I had scared him. It was pretty common that I would accidently burn bridges with my darker emotional outbursts. While many wouldn’t consider them very bombastic expressions of displeasure, compared to my otherwise very level disposition, they were noticeable to others. The guilt that was creeping into my mind didn’t help, either. As much as I wanted to talk it out with him, no opportunity presented itself, and I wasn’t about to corner him in the breakroom.

Jumin was extremely pleased with how the pictures of Elizabeth turned out, and, true to his word, tipped me handsomely. I had to rub my eyes comically at the sum, thinking of the list of dream equipment this would contribute to in my savings account. He was quick to lavish me in compliments, something I guessed wasn’t usual. Jumin wasn’t one to deny anyone their dues, but he didn’t seem like the type to flatter, either. I assumed he was trying to make me feel welcome in the organization, or maybe was overjoyed because Elizabeth was the subject.

I was out on the job with a different journalist, an older woman who I was friendly with but not familiar, taking shots of a family outside of their bakery. The article was for some spread about struggling and successful small businesses and entrepreneurship, not that it was overly interesting to me. Though, I briefly thought of Jaehee and her dream to own her own café some day. It was always a treat to work outside, but I had to hold off from wandering too far and getting distracted by other scenery. Instead, I took pleasure in finding different angles to line up the shop’s front with the owners and some of their confections.

As the journalist was wrapping up with them, I marvelled at the flavour of their cream puffs and suddenly sparked with an idea. Quickly, I pulled out my phone from my back pocket and dialed up Min-Chae.

“What’s up, babe?” Min-Chae greeted in English. It was heavily accented but still adorable.

I snickered. “Just wondering if you and Jaehee have arrangements already for baked goods at the party. I’ve found this little family-owned business through work; they’re really fantastic. I think they could really do well with handling part of the catering.”

“Sure! That sounds awesome,” she chirped. “Let them know I’m interested and give them my contact. I’m sure Jaehee and Jumin won’t protest to giving local businesses a chance.”

“Alright, I’ll handle it. I’ve gotta get back though, so talk to you later.”

“Have a good day, Hye-Jin. Muah!”

I always had a grin after speaking with Min-Chae. Her charm and ease were infectious. After making the arrangements with the owners, who were extremely grateful for the connection, we went on our way back to the office. A vibration alerted me to activity in the chatroom.

_707 has entered the chatroom._

_Hye-Jin has entered the chatroom._

707 13:24

_[image]_

It was a very lovely photo of a sun-dappled fern plant. The small glass greenhouse enclosure it was placed in was open to let the light sparkle off the humid dew drops. Judging by the background, it was in Saeran’s office, which would make the most sense. The fern itself was bright and healthy, just unfurling past the fiddlehead stage.

707 13:24

_Saeran wanted me 2 show u,,,,_

I spared a tiny smile, keeping my phone close as we traveled back to the office.

Hye-Jin 13:25

_Why didn’t he show me then?_

707 13:26

_Uh._

_lol_

_He’s busy_

Holding back a grin, I quickly tapped back a response, but it seemed like I was caught. The journalist I was with glanced over at me and offered a kind look.

“Chatting with your boyfriend?”

My head snapped up. “What? No!” I retorted swiftly, growing warm at my own outburst. “It’s just—it’s just something funny.”

“Mmhm.”

She didn’t believe me, but talking further would only make things look more suspicious. Instead, I turned my attention back to Saeyoung.

Hye-Jin 13:30

_Well, please tell him I appreciate the thought_

_Why did he want to show me this?_

707 13:31

_He said ferns remind him of u_

Hye-Jin 13:31

_Ferns…they mean enchantment, don’t they?_

_Should I be flattered?_

_Saeran has entered the chatroom._

Saeran 13:33

_They also mean confidence_

_But I wasn’t talking about the flower language_

_I just meant that ferns give me a vibe_

707 13:34

_The Hye-Jin vibe! lol_

_*wow emoticon*_

Saeran 13:34

_Sure_

_I didn’t ask him to tell you_

_He did that on his own_

707 13:35

_Agh, u ruined it!_

_*huff emoticon*_

Saeran 13:35

_*huh? emoticon*_

_Ruined what?_

Hye-Jin 13:36

_Perhaps he wanted to forward your thoughts_

_In a manner that made it seem like_

_You wanted to be friendly?_

707 13:38

_Hye-Jin gets me lol_

_*happy emoticon*_

Saeran 13:38

_*smirk emoticon*_

_No_

_He did it because he wanted you to see_

_And he knew I wasn’t going to do it_

707 13:39

_*cry emoticon*_

Hye-Jin 13:40

_Well_

_It’s lovely regardless_

_Thanks to both of you :)_

Saeran 13:40

_I didn’t even take the picture_

_But you’re welcome_

_I’ve got more work to do_

_*sigh emoticon*_

_Ttyl_

_Saeran has left the chatroom._

Hye-Jin 13:42

_Saeran isn’t usually this busy_

707 13:42

_He picked up part-time hours at a flower shop_

_But the intelligence unit stuff still needs to get done_

Hye-Jin 13:43

_You must be proud of him_

707 13:43

_Yeah_

_He’s more functional than me now lol_

Hye-Jin 13:44

_(says the literal genius engineer and programmer)_

707 13:44

_Aw shucks_

_*love emoticon*_

_But srsly_

_Saeran’s a genius too_

Hye-Jin 13:45

_He’s lucky he can do something he loves_

_Like me~_

_Do you like the work you do?_

707 13:45

_Sure lol_

_Beats hacking_

_And I do robotics stuff on the side._

_[image: scattered graphing paper filled with blueprints and calculations]_

_Caught on a snag, though_

Hye-Jin 13:46

_A personal assistant robot?_

707 13:46

_Yup lol_

Hye-Jin 13:46

_Shaped like Elizabeth the 3rd?_

707 13:46

_lol yup_

_Cute, right?!_

_*love emoticon*_

Hye-Jin 13:47

_You messed up line 11 on the page on the left_

707 13:47

_*shock emoticon*_

_U can read this???_

_???_

Hye-Jin 13:48

_Sure, some of it_

_It’s a little advanced for me_

_But the basics are transparent_

707 13:48

_Wow_

_*wow emoticon*_

Hye-Jin 13:49

_What, you’re surprised I can do math?_

707 13:49

_Honestly, ya_

_Artists aren’t usually mathies_

Hye-Jin 13:50

_Not usually_

_I guess I’m the exception_

_My dad wanted me to be a mechanical engineer_

_I declined_

707 13:51

_Is that why you don’t talk to him?_

Hye-Jin 13:51

_He didn’t take it well_

707 13:52

_That sux_

_Whatchya doin at work?_

Hye-Jin 13:52

_Just did a shoot for an article_

_On my way back_

_We’re pretty close so I’ll have to catch you later_

707 13:53

_lol kk_

_L8r_

_Oh wait_

Hye-Jin 13:54

_Yeah?_

707 13:54

_I think it’s super cool that you’re good at math_

_But you’re a cooler photographer_

_So_

_Fuck whatever your dad said_

Hye-Jin 13:55

_…_

_Yeah._

_Thanks, Saeyoung_

_That means more to me than you know_

_Hye-Jin has left the chatroom._

707 13:56

_…._

_That’s right_

_We define our own lives_

_707 has left the chatroom._

“Ready to head out?” Jihyun asked me with a grin. His handsome features brightened with the expression, becoming almost as infectious as Min-Chae’s smile. They had a habit of amplifying one another, I noticed. He also had his nearly shoulder-length mint hair pulled back into a loose bun, the spare strands at his forehead spilling across his face. I nodded in affirmation of his question, adjusting my fingerless gloves for the umpteenth time, and resetting the camera strap around my neck. I could hardly believe that I was going out for causal photographs with one of my favourite artists to tutor me.

My friend gave him a kiss on the cheek. “You two have fun,” she encouraged softly, straightening the lapel on the collar of his corduroy jacket. I squirmed with a bit of envy at the affectionate gesture, surprising myself with my yearning. I’d always been content on my own. Maybe now I understood why people like Yoosung got so annoyed with seeing happy young couples about.

Jihyun was nothing but an absolute gentleman, and not the kind that only say they are. No, he was completely and genuinely filled with tenderness and careful words, though he did have the tendency to be a bit self-deprecating. It wasn’t the same deprecation as Saeyoung had, with humour and fake smiles. Instead, he sometimes truthfully showed glimpses of a down-trodden expression while passing it off as humility. It was very faint and not frequent, but I noticed it the longer we spent together without Min-Chae by his side.

The air was crisp with the late November chill, the gray but bright sky threatening snow any day now. It likely wouldn’t be much, but I loved taking photos with the flakes of white crystals in the air. The way people dressed, in their warm jackets and coloured scarves, was also a trait I enjoyed capturing. The birds that stayed were easy to find in the barren branches of the street trees. My fingertips turned pink from the cold as I adjusted my lens for a shot across the river, but my stiff brown jacket and wine-red turtleneck was enough to keep my blood cozy.

Jihyun was astonished at my apparent ability to find odd angles and lines for shots and my lack of apprehension for getting right on the ground in necessary. I admitted that at times it was sort of undignified or silly-looking, and sometimes asking people for permission to use them in shots was awkward, but it was an embarrassment I quickly got used to. There were other things I worried over.

His advice on technique was quite helpful, and twice I was utterly flabbergasted how one or two of his suggestions made such a difference on clarity or feeling. It was incredibly invigorating to learn the little things that made it seem more like witchcraft than art. I felt as though I was finally privy to precious magical secrets. It also didn’t hurt that Jihyun reaffirmed my confidence in my abilities.

“I understand you better now,” he said after buying me tea and settling beside me at the metallic outdoor bench by the coffee shop. It was a nice, busy part of town, but not many patrons took to sitting outside in this weather. Both of us would rather avoid the crowd. “Watching how you find perspective is a great window into how your mind works.”

I smiled sweetly, relishing in the joy that free photography gave me. Working for my passion was nice, but this was pure expression with no ties. “I think I understand you a bit better now, too. I especially see why Min-Chae loves you so dearly.”

He perked up at the name of his fiancé. “Oh?”

I hummed while swallowing a sip of tea. “Has she told you about her blood-family?”

Jihyun looked downcast for a moment, and that practically answered my question. “Yes, she’s been through a lot. I’ve always admired her strength. Even while I was reeling from my personal problems, she never told me what she’d been through. She wanted to focus completely on me until I was ready to share her life—but she never did it with the intention of having me.”

I nodded solemnly. “While you were gone, Min-Chae told me about why she loved you. She spoke about how she never really intended for it to happen at all, but it found her anyway. You’re a gentle man who shoulders the world’s burdens. You’re everything she never had from her family, but she knew that she couldn’t project all that onto you. She wanted you to be your own person.”

Jihyun laughed, but it was an odd mixture of grim and happy. “In the end, she taught me to save myself. In her wonderful way with words and wisdom—you know, there are similarities I notice between her and Rika that frighten me sometimes.” He paused, eyeing me with a smirk when I gave a quizzical look. “I don’t know how much you know about all that, but Rika was amazing with words. Like you said about Min-Chae: she could lead a revolution. The difference between them, though, is that Min-Chae is entirely altruistic. She asks for nothing and her patience is unending…Rika was spectacular on the surface, but she burned bright and faded quickly. She got frustrated and was never satisfied with herself, which turned into a dark anger towards everything else. Min-Chae is a quiet warmth, smouldering and unassuming. And yet, she’s just a person, beautiful in all her flaws.”

I blinked, allowing his words to sink into me slowly. Then I breathed a short laugh. “Save it for the wedding vows, Jihyun.”

He chuckled, leaning forward to rest his elbows on his knees, his coffee held between them. “Sorry, I got kind of carried away, there.” We watched passersby in relative silence, the hesitation in the conversation quite natural. “You know…I couldn’t have asked for a better surrogate sister-in-law. I see now why Min-Chae likes you so much.”

“Do enlighten me,” I mused, grinning into the steam from my tea.

“The one who leads with action—she admires you. She told me so. I find myself doing the same.”

I considered that for a moment. It wasn’t anything new; Min-Chae often spoke of such things. I wondered why it was that I did such things. Was it something from my childhood? My natural personality? “ _’By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another,’_ ” I recited, watching my fingers slide alone the rim of my paper cup.

Jihyun looked up at me, his gaze clear and steady. Then, he gave a very small smile. “I confess I’m not much one for religion, though I grew up attending church.”

“There are many things I don’t like about it,” I admitted. “Perhaps it is my anger towards people whose actions contradict their words that makes me the way I am. Pretty words are nothing without love.”

“Hm,” he agreed.

“But that isn’t human nature, is it?” I reflected.

“No, I suppose not,” he sighed, sounding wistful, “but we can try for better.”

“Yes. We can.”

Another movie night with the twins had me greeted by Saeyoung. It had been Saeran who consistently answered the door, but instead I found him already snuggled firmly into the couch wrapped firmly in a blanket. He was huddled there with the covering over his head in a hooded fashion, his knees up to his chest, and his hands grasping fistfuls of the fabric to draw it in closer to himself.

Saeyoung was as sporadic as ever, bouncing between asking if I wanted anything to inquiring about my week and then off on a tangent about his robotics project. I took the time to quietly absorb his words, smiling fondly and occasionally offering a quick quip to his banter. He was wearing a heavy black hoodie trimmed with gold lines—it was something I’d never seen him wear but it matched his square-rimmed glasses perfectly. I also noticed that his hair seemed a bit more tamed than usual, but that wasn’t saying much. His grin was all teeth, infectious, but the smile wasn’t as bright in his eyes as he was trying to make it.

When the older twin took off to grab his laundry from the back room, I took my place nearby Saeran, with still two people’s distance between us on the large couch. I set the glass of ice water Saeyoung offered me on a coaster from the coffee table in front of us and crossed my legs carefully, cocking my head at him.

“Bad day, huh?” I asked.

Saeran just hummed in acknowledgement, rubbing his red-rimmed eyes. I guessed he’d been crying at some point during the day. For the second time, I noted how his eyes were a slightly different colour than Saeyoung’s, just ever so slightly green.

“Y’know…if you weren’t feeling up for it, you could’ve just said so,” I said, pulling my sleeves up my wrists to overlap the gloves more. “I think I can handle missing out on movie night once in a while.”

“No,” he murmured, hardly audible. “I like the routine of it.”

“That’s fair.” I watched him fiddle with the settings menu, the picture paused on the first frame of the film.

“And Saeyoung likes you,” Saeran added.

I blushed hotly, my eyes glancing over to him. “W-What?”

“He likes having you around. I don’t want him to be disappointed.”

For the moment, I swallowed my pride. Saeyoung likely didn’t have many friends, from what he’d said, so he probably liked the routine of having me around, too. “Yeah, but…he cares for you. I’m sure he would want to put you first.”

Saeran shuffled. “He does that too much. I’m fine.”

“I believe you,” I returned, brows high. “What’s today’s movie?”

“One of the Ghibbles Studio movies. I’ve been told they’re really nice,” he explained. “This one is about a girl who gets a curse put on her and has to find a wizard to help her break it. Apparently, it’s a fantasy romance.”

“I’ve heard of their stuff. Weird studio name, though.”

Saeran nodded in agreement, splitting a small smile at my remark. Then his expression fell again. “Have you ever been in love, Hye-Jin?”

I blinked, astonished by the turn in the conversation. I gazed up at the ceiling, allowing my head to rest on the back of the couch as I listened to Saeyoung shifting about upstairs, hurrying to keep us from waiting long. “I dunno. I’ve had crushes, for sure. I was in a relationship with a guy in school for a bit, but that didn’t last very long. Why?”

He didn’t meet my eyes when I slid them over to him, just turning his head away and staring at the floor. “How does one tell the difference between crush, love, and obsession?”

I hummed in thought. “Borderline philosophical. You’re making me think hard after a long work week.”

“Sorry.”

I laughed lightly. “Don’t be, I was teasing. Sometimes crushes and obsession can have things in common. But…a crush is just an initial attraction. You like the feeling of someone, you feel happy when you’re around them, and you’d date them if you had the chance, but you don’t really _know_ them. Likewise, obsession can be purely based on attraction, and you may not truly know the person. Often, it puts them on a pedestal and causes you to not see them as a person, but rather, as a divine object to be worshipped. It usually belittles the importance of one or both, is emotionally exhausting and unsustainable, and…it sort of—I dunno, it doesn’t allow either person to truly love themselves, I suppose.”

I paused, waiting for a response. When I didn’t get one right away, I considered continuing, but had the sense that now wasn’t the time. “I think…” Saeran started, reaching up to scratch the bridge of his nose, “I think I’ve been obsessed before.” He pulled down the blanket around his head, exposing his face more to me. It was pained, but he had an iron grip on his control right now. “I only had Rika and Jihyun as an example of love.”

“Perhaps you need a new example,” I offered.

He nodded. “That would be nice. Maybe I’ll get an example soon. Do you know what real love is like?”

I watched him for a moment, thoughtfully constructing my answer. I didn’t want to say anything that would have a negative impact on him in such a vulnerable state. “Romantically? Not yet. But I do know that love is sometimes hard, and it changes over time. Love is a choice, not a feeling. You don’t need a romantic partner to be happy with your life. You only need to love yourself and have a purpose and understanding that there will be troubles. Troubles only make the joys shine brighter.”

“It would still be nice to have someone to share my life with,” Saeran admitted.

I sighed softly. “Yeah, it would.” Then I had a thought. “It was Min-Chae, wasn’t it?”

A pause. “Yes, it was Min-Chae.”

I rested my hands in my lap, folding my fingers together. “You will love, Saeran. Whether it be yourself, or yourself and a partner, you will.”

“I am…finding a purpose, I think.”

I gave him a steady smile. “That’s the hardest step.”

Saeyoung returned, his socked feet sliding him into the living room thanks to the glossy hardwood floor. He took a pose as he did so, holding his face between his thumb and forefinger dramatically. A wide smile broke over my face, and he chuckled in return. “Fufufu…everybody ready?”

“Aye, aye, Captain Seven,” I replied in a tone thick with sarcasm.

“At ease, soldier,” he ordered, his voice dipping low as he plopped onto the couch next to me. It was close enough to displace the cushion under me, and I drew myself in a little bit reflexively. “What were you two talking about?”

Saeran kept his mouth buttoned shut, so I offered an explanation. “He was describing the premise of the movie to me. I’ve heard this studio has excellent animation.”

Saeyoung watched me reach forward to take another sip of water, his smile still plastered on. When I looked back, I noticed how he was staring at my gloves and how they soaked up the condensation on the glass. “You must be warm with all that on,” he pointed out. “No need to be so uptight, y’know.”

My thoughts stuttered for a moment. “Oh, well, I run cold. It’s comfy to keep all this on.”

“Do you cut yourself?” Saeran suddenly asked, and I struggled to swallow my next sip in alarm.

“Saeran!” Saeyoung exclaimed, half scolding and half shocked. I’d never seen him take a tone like that with his twin, nor had I seen quite the furrowed brow he now sported behind his glasses and fluffy bangs.

I replaced my glass and waved my hands a little in exasperation. “No, don’t be angry with him.”

“It’s the most likely explanation,” Saeran said incredulously, seemingly unaffected by Saeyoung’s outburst.

“I don’t—” I insisted, my voice growing stout and firm. “I don’t cut myself.” The tension made me sigh for a moment to recollect myself. “It’s just—you’ll both understand this part of me soon, but for now what I’ll tell you is that it’s a form of protection.”

“Protection?” Saeran inquired, raising a brow and gaining curiosity.

“Saeran,” Saeyoung warned again, this time soft and dangerous. “Let it go. If she doesn’t want to talk about it, we’re the last people who can judge her for it.”

I gave him a weak smile, which he returned, smoothing over his features again. “Thank you. It’s really not that serious, I promise. Now, let’s watch. I’m excited.”

It really was a beautiful film. The painted backgrounds were masterful, and it was refreshing to have a female lead who was cursed to be old half the time. The wartime themes made Saeyoung tense up, shooting a worried glance over at Saeran, but the younger twin seemed fine with the detachment the animated style provided. The romance aspect of the film was also rather touching, and I resisted the urge to rub my face at the cuteness on two occasions. Saeyoung, on the other hand, had no such shame. We cackled at the hair dye incident, in which the titular character threw a tantrum at his appearance being ruined by the female lead’s meddling. Saeyoung told me that Zen would be much the same if such a thing happened to him, especially if he was provoked by a cat.

Towards the end, I was passively taking in the wrap-up after the climax of the story, my eyes growing heavy as they usually did at this time and feeling warm from the wholesome dialogue. I didn’t realize that Saeyoung had slumped a little closer to me until that moment, when our shoulders were close enough that his body heat was apparent. I knew that I admired Saeyoung, enjoyed his company, but nothing made me more uncomfortable than the silent, suffocating internal panic of catching feelings. I shoved it down my heart like the plastic bag of cereal box I was too lazy to roll properly.

Then came the car ride home. It was like a positive feedback loop; the more I tried to ignore where my mind continued to wander, the harder it was to maintain my cavalier attitude. There was no way Saeyoung would be interested in a boring photographer who was so unlike him. He’d be better off with a more emotionally intelligent, playful character, so there was no use in pretending. Furthermore, there was no way that he needed my laundry list of problems on top of his own. Besides, the attraction would go away eventually, if I willed it hard enough.

I’d buried myself solidly into self-repression by the time Saeyoung pulled up next to my apartment complex. The scenery beyond the passenger window was particularly interesting to me in my attempts to distract myself, and Saeyoung hesitated before breaking what was, from his perspective, a comfortable silence.

“You still awake?” he asked, a teasing lilt to his voice.

I shut my eyes for a moment, gathering mental fortitude. _Let it go. Leave it be. Stop it._ “Yeah, I’m awake. Just…lost in thought, I guess.”

“Penny for ‘em?”

I pivoted my head to look at him, steeling my nerves as our eyes met. He recognized my intense expression pretty quickly. “I decline. For now,” I said quietly, trying to sound calm. If there was one thing I prided myself on, it was my ability to remain as outwardly collected as possible even while completely in shambles within. Most of the time.

Saeyoung rested his hand on his hand with his elbow resting on the glove box between the seats and puffed his cheeks out. “Boo. That’s a shame; I like hearing your thoughts.”

I gave him a skeptical stare.

“What’s with that look?!” he protested. “Don’t believe me, huh?”

“Hm,” I started, gripping the edge of my camera bag. “You’re an earnest fellow, I’ll give you that.”

“Did you have a commission today?” he asked, pointing to the bag.

I shook my head. “No, I just take it with me in case I see something interesting to take a photo of.”

“You’re hard to make small talk with,” he remarked flatly.

My expression hardened. “Beg your pardon.”

He had the gall to be amused. “There we go. I got a reaction.”

“That was childish,” I snapped, then flinching at my own tone. “Stop trying to provoke me. I might say something I regret again.”

Saeyoung hummed, scratching the bridge of his nose and pushing his glasses up. I hated that he was still attractive while being blatantly infuriating. “You can’t just block off your emotions because you’re scared of hurting yourself. Trust me, I’ve tried.”

I sniffed, my eyes narrowing. “I don’t like it when people tell me what to do,” I retorted, reaching for the door handle. It clicked open before his voice stopped me.

“Wait.” I ignored him until: “Please.”

My shoulders dropped in slight defeat. “What do you want, Saeyoung?”

“I’ve pricked a nerve again,” he said.

“Astute,” I returned facetiously.

“I’m sorry.”

I sighed. “No. I am. I keep messing this up.” My voice was small, and I still didn’t turn back to face him again. “All I want is to be friendly with you. I’m on edge when we’re alone.”

“Why?” he asked, making me strain my ears to hear it.

“Because you cut me to the quick.”

He laughed lightly, but it was grim. “I thought that was something you did, Hye-Jin.”

I let out a puff of air equivalent to a short chuckle, not able to help myself. “Maybe you’re just different.” Finally, I turned to face him, my dark eyes boring into his through the feeble barrier of his glasses. When he shifted in response, the glare disappeared briefly to reveal a wide-eyed look filled with focus. It was like he was expecting me to disappear. I held out my hand, managing a small, dry-humoured grin. “Where’s my penny?”

Saeyoung blinked but shuffled to unbuckle his seatbelt and lift his hips so he could access the pocket of his fitted jeans. Into my hand he deposited a small ten-won coin, his fingertips brushing against the fabric of my gloves. I moved to pinch it between my forefinger and middle finger, holding it between us.

“I was thinking about how much I don’t deserve your company.” I gripped the coin into my fist, swung the door open, and lifted myself out, turning only to say, “Goodnight. Thank you for driving me home.”

“G-Goodni—you’re welcome,” he managed, adjusting his glasses again before I turned and left.


	7. VII

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally fixed all those formatting problems...kill me now.

Haneul was practically sweating when we hopped into a company vehicle for his next big article. I contemplated letting him stew for longer, but even I wasn’t that cruel. I knew that he was a nervous sort, but I honestly hadn’t expected him to cling to our little argument for so long. It wasn’t even an argument, and I wasn’t much one to hold a grudge over something so small. He kept glancing at me as I threaded the lens onto the body of my camera and wrapped the strap around my neck, and I’d had enough.

“Are we never going to speak to each other now?” I asked, my tone and apathetic and even as usual, through I did manage to catch his gaze in the corner of his eyes before he had to make a turn in traffic.

I swear he audibly gulped. “To be honest, I’m afraid I’ll offend you again.”

“ _’Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me,’_ ” I said.

“What?”

I blinked. “I was annoyed by your inaction. You can still talk to me.” I spared him a genuine smile this time. “We’re colleagues, are we not? You’re probably one of my favourite faces in the office.”

He blushed, mostly from embarrassment. “Oh, well—yes, okay. Talking is good.”

I let out a soft snicker at his minimal expense. “Good.”

We were back at my old stomping grounds: the campus of SKY university. Haneul didn’t complete his schooling here and was mostly relying on my memory to navigate us. It was always such a pretty place, clean and modern while offering some green space here and there. We had some time before our interview was scheduled, so Haneul followed me with interest as I wandered about for some interesting shots.

What I never expected was finding a face I recognized.

“Yoosung,” I greeted with a friendly look when I saw the young man with two of his classmates. He was bundled in layers of a long-sleeved purple shirt peeking out from under a light gray hoodie and a jean-jacket inspired letterman jacket, the colour bringing out the lavender tint in his bright eyes. The black skinny jeans and high-tops completed the harmonious look, and I wondered if he got his fashion tips from Zen.

He lit up in surprise at the sight of me. “Hye-Jin!” His classmates were male and seemed to take an interest in the fact that we were on a first-name basis. One of them pulled a sly look and muttered something to him, to which he responded with a frantic: “Dude! She’s just a friend from the fundraising association I’m in—and she’s a grad.”

Haneul bent his spindly body part way to lean towards me. “Friend?”

I nodded. “Friend. Give me a few minutes? I won’t be long.”

He agreed quickly. “I’ll find a bench nearby and go over my notes.”

We split just as Yoosung came close, and I absently traced the rim of my lens. “Nice to see you,” I said calmly. Then I noticed the distinct lack of his comrades and leaned over to find them snickering and slinking away. They looked like nice lads, if a little childish. “Do they, uh…do they think we’re an item?”

He rolled his eyes. “They think it’s a miracle if I manage to talk to a girl,” he grumbled. Suddenly he doubled-back. “Uh, er—it’s—I do talk to women, honest! I just—”

“Chill out,” I returned flatly, waving my hand at him in a small, fan-like motion.

He winced at his own behaviour and shifted his weight on the footpath anxiously. “R-Right. What are you doing here anyway? Gonna take some classes again?”

I smiled at his feeble attempt at humour. “No, I think I’d die if I had to be a student again.”

My candour shocked him, but he quickly slumped with a weak grin. “Yeah, I don’t blame you.”

“I’m here to do photos for an article. My colleague is interviewing someone here today,” I explained. “Oh, if you’ve got places to be, don’t let me get in the way.”

He shook his head. “I was just going to get a snack before my study group meets, but that’s not for a while. Say, it’s really amazing you have a job for something you love so much.”

I shrugged. “Yeah, it’s great, but it’s not all sunshine and roses. It’s not the dream job, but even dream jobs are still jobs. What about you? Do you think all the effort to become a vet will be worth it?”

Yoosung nodded vigorously, which was a passion I was not expecting given his attitude in the chatrooms about his academic responsibilities. “Mm! My cousin Rika was the one who inspired me originally, but, y’know…with everything that happened, I realized that I still wanted this. For me.”

“Believe it or not, I know how that feels,” I replied.

He squinted with one half of his face. “Was your dad…”

“Like Rika? Hell if I know,” I laughed. “He made everything pretty hard for me for a while, though. I’m not even sure if he’s sorry.”

Yoosung’s expression fell. “It took a while for me to come around, but I think she is. I was so angry for a long time, but she’s being looked after properly now, and I can’t ask for much better.”

I cocked my head to the side. “Yeah, I can’t say my dad started a cult,” I admitted. “But if there’s someone who knows the anger, it’s me. I know we haven’t talked much, but you can come to me for that if you need it.”

He blinked, his big eyes wide and innocent. “Ha…I knew you were pretty cool when I met you.”

“It’s not ‘cool’,” I said, “it’s basic human decency.”

He huffed a short laugh. “You’d be surprised.”

“Hang in there, man,” I encouraged quietly. “Study well, and—hey, maybe after this job I can buy you some coffee, yeah?”

“Yeah…thanks, Hye-Jin.”

Yoosung was more impacted than he let on. He couldn’t bring himself to tell Min-Chae or Jihyun on account of their happiness, and the twins were dealing with more than enough of the repercussions of his dear cousin’s actions. Jumin was too cold and he wasn’t close enough with Jaehee to seek emotional comfort with either of them. I’d never expected that I’d share something so personal in common with the youngest member, but it is often in shared hurt that the most interesting friendships are made.

Haneul had returned to the office on his own after our interview, so I caught the bus and promised him I’d have the photos edited and sent to him from home that night. SKY wasn’t far from my flat anyway, and the chatroom lit up with distraction enough for me not to mind the public commute at all.

ZEN 16:54

_Ugh these lines are so bad_

_Why me_

Min-Chae 16:55

_Care to elaborate, darling Zen?_

ZEN 16:55

_*crying emoticon*_

_What a beautiful thing to say_

_You always lift me up, Min-Chae_

_This script itself is fine_

_But there are these bits of dialogue_

_That are just atrocious_

Min-Chae 16:57

_Have you tried offering suggestions of improvements?_

_Perhaps gently_

ZEN 16:57

_I tried_

_But they just told me not to worry_

_About anything other than acting and being pretty_

_Little do they know, being gorgeous is an innate ability of mine_

_Hye-Jin has entered the chatroom._

Hye-Jin 16:59

_How dare they presume_

_That you can’t use your mind for higher aspirations_

ZEN 17:00

_Right?!?_

_Honestly…_

_I’m more than just a pretty face_

_If they want my acting to shine through_

_I need a better cut jewel_

Min-Chae 17:01

_Perhaps you should try to slip in your own little edits_

_During practice and readings_

_See if they notice_

ZEN 17:02

_Now that’s an idea!_

Hye-Jin 17:02

_You’re so good with solutions, Min-Chae_

_I would’ve suggested forcing their hand_

_By reprinting the script with your edits_

_And acting surprised when they tell you it’s wrong_

_“What? But it says it right there?”_

Min-Chae 17:04

_*spit-take emoticon*_

ZEN 17:05

_*shock emoticon*_

_You’ve been hanging out with Seven way too much_

_707 has entered the chatroom._

707 17:06

_My holy name was invoked_

Min-Chae 17:07

_OMG_

_istg no one has better timing_

_Son of a gun_

707 17:06

_*wow emoticon*_

_lol_

_It’s a gift_

_Dare I say…_

_A blessing_

_Also_

_Hye-Jin spends just the right amount of time_

_With the holy God7_

_As any pious follower would_

ZEN 17:07

_*well emoticon*_

_Cut the bullshit, dude_

Hye-Jin 17:08

_I thought I was the Starlight Soldier_

707 17:08

_Oh of course of course_

Hye-Jin 17:09

_Anyway, what can I say?_

_Perhaps it’s infectious_

ZEN 17:10

_Yeah, like a disease_

_I don’t need another person_

_Messing with me on my next birthday…_

Hye-Jin 17:10

_?_

Min-Chae 17:11

_Zen’s birthday is April 1_

Hye-Jin 17:11

_RIP_

707 17:12

_Speaking of which_

_When’s ur b-day, Hye-Jin?_

Hye-Jin 17:12

_November 2_

ZEN 17:13

_*shock emoticon*_

_That was just over three weeks ago!_

707 17:13

_*shock emoticon*_

_And_

_U_

_Didn’t_

_Tell_

_Us_

_???_

_*cry emoticon*_

ZEN 17:14

_Stop hogging the screen_

_But surely you knew, Min-Chae?_

Min-Chae 17:15

_She made me promise not to tell…._

Hye-Jin 17:15

_It’s not that big of a deal_

_I turned 23_

_What a milestone_

707 17:16

_But_

_But_

_*cry emoticon*_

_What about gifts?_

_Flowers?_

_Congrats?_

Min-Chae 17:16

_She came over for dinner_

_I gave her a white rose_

Hye-Jin 17:17

_And it was lovely_

_I’m not a fan of big gestures_

_Besides_

_You already gave me that kitty drawing_

_Before Halloween, remember, Saeyoung?_

707 17:18

_Oh ya_

_But that wasn’t a b-day thing_

_It was just a thing_

ZEN 17:18

_So Jihyun knew, too?_

_I’m surprised he managed to keep that one to himself_

_He loves congratulating people in the chat_

Hye-Jin 17:19

_Anyway_

_Don’t sweat it_

_There’s always next year_

_If you can’t help yourself_

ZEN 17:19

_I’m sure Jumin will offer to send you something_

_Overpriced and unnecessary…_

Min-Chae 17:20

_Oh…let him have his fun_

_He likes spoiling us like his little children_

ZEN 17:21

_He can keep his spoils to himself_

707 17:21

_Just got an idea bye_

_707 has left the chatroom._

Hye-Jin 17:22

_Hm_

Min-Chae 17:22

_…_

_You may or may not_

_End up with an unorthodox impromptu gift_

_From Saeyoung_

Hye-Jin 17:23

_Oh_

_Oh good_

ZEN 17:24

_Yeaaaaaah_

_Good luck with that_

Hye-Jin 17:24

_You two aren’t helpful at all_

The church Saeyoung attended was an older building with stained glass windows and a small sanctuary. As I went up the cold concrete steps, my mock oxfords stiff against my ankles and thick black tights, I hesitated at the door and took in a stream of frosty air. It wasn’t yet Christmas season, but it was close, and I could do with a bit of cheer. I wasn’t overly fond of all the commercialism, but I’d become incredibly fond of some old western traditions associated with Yuletide. And, of course, most congregations became cheerful and generous with the celebrations.

I was greeted kindly by an usher, and when he saw that I was an unfamiliar face, I told him not to pay me any mind. I hadn’t told Saeyoung I was coming, having gotten directions and details from Saeran, but all I needed to do was find him. The interior of the church was mostly polished wood with white tablecloths by the altar and various iconography adorning the front wall. The dark shine of the evenly stained walls and pews was pleasant on the eyes in the soft, yellowish lighting. It wasn’t terribly crowded, and I easily spotted the head of ginger hair in the last pew on the east side, neatly seated with his eyes in his lap. I readjusted the burgundy hairclip in my short dark bangs before sliding in next to him.

Saeyoung glanced up from the bible in his hands, blinking at me in confusion as I pressed my skirt to my thighs before sitting. He opened his mouth to speak, but I silenced him with a finger pressed to my lips as I gathered courage enough to lean in and read with him. He conceded quickly, though he seemed flustered by my surprise visit. I took the moment to drink in his appearance; I was starting to accept how smart he looked in a dark button-up. It made his pale skin and freckles stand out more, somehow. I liked how he would run three fingers along the hinge of the text after turning each page to smooth them over.

It was a middling section of the book of Revelations, a controversial volume to be sure. Prophecies were a tough subject, but the prose and symbolism were something I always found rather mesmerizing. Saeyoung was the calmest and most collected I had ever seen him, his face smooth and very serene as his eyes traced line after line, sometimes following along with the pads of his fingers. I could tell it was his bible by the notes written along the margins of the commentary at the bottom, some in black ink and others in scribbled and fading pencil. Most of them were questions and observations about the verses, as well as reminders of cultural and historical context for them.

His rosary was no longer around his neck under his shirt, instead pulled off to rest across his thigh just above his knee. As the last of the congregation trickled into their seats, he shifted closer to me so I could manage to read one of the further lines, and the string of beads began slipping off, weighed down by the metallic crucifix on the end. I caught it just in time, resetting it in its place, but he didn’t meet my eyes when he reached to retrieve it from me.

The Liturgy of the Word began, dragging our attention back to the important part of the morning. There were some things familiar about mass in comparison to my upbringing, but I watched carefully and found myself rather fascinated with the differences in structure and the deep tradition threaded into it. Some of the liturgy was something I knew, and from the corner of my eye I could see that Saeyoung was surprised that I could recite good portions of it. Otherwise, I remained silent and listened, particularly to him.

I was so absorbed in the service and experiencing the new that I hardly noticed nearly an hour slip by. After communion and concluding prayers, I felt my shoulders release some tension I didn’t know I was holding. There was a background anxiety that I clung to, that maybe I would do something out of place in this slightly foreign environment. Instead, it was positively peaceful. The attendants began to shift as confession was offered in another room, and I turned my body towards Saeyoung, expectant of our departure.

“I’m sorry if I surprised you,” I whispered, naturally drawing closer to keep my volume low and not disturb others.

“It was a welcome surprise,” he hushed back, running his thumb over one of the larger beads on his rosary. When I moved to stand, he reached out, gentle pinching the fabric of the sleeve of my black turtleneck. “Stay,” he said. It was more of a request than a demand, a sentiment clearly displayed on his solemn face. I watched his amber eyes steadily, settling back in close to him. “Stay and pray with me.”

I swallowed, nodded slowly, and wondered where that strain in his voice was coming from. It was so slight, but I sensed a contrition I’d not often detected from him. Perhaps it had been a difficult week for him. Given what I’d observed about Saeran’s distress the weekend previous, I acknowledged the possibility of a correlation. My heart swelled at his discomfort, wanting nothing more than to help him through it.

My hands opened with slight uncertainty. “You’ll have to teach me how to pray by the rosary,” I replied, giving him a small smile.

He managed his own, softening his features, and placed the first line of beads next to the crucifix into my palm, our fingers sharing it. “You’re wearing different gloves,” he remarked quietly.

I let out a short breath through my nose to mask a bit of laughter. He was right: the fingerless gloves I was wearing were not my usual cotton and polyester pair. These were delicate dark silk trimmed with lace, and they half-covered my fingers up to the first joint, the lace allowing the skin of my digits to show through. “Had to dress in my Sunday best,” I returned. It was also likely the first time he had seen me in a skirt, though it was quite simple attire.

Saeyoung smirked at my joke, a bit of the melancholy seeping out of him, and began explaining the meaning of the beads on the rosary to me. Things like the Creed and the Prayer were things I already knew and memorized from childhood thanks to my mother, but the rest I just listened to him for, enjoying the focused but muttered tone of his voice. One by one we passed through each bead, and I began to understand why some were larger than others. We moved our fingers together through the cycle, and, after the initial embarrassment of the proximity, I began to enjoy the tactile comfort it provided.

Some had hung back in the sanctuary to pray like us, but once Saeyoung had finished the last Mystery, the pews were mostly empty. We parted slowly, neither one of us in haste to have the moment end, and he gently asked me to wait for him outside until he could go to confession. That was the one thing that I’d rather wait for next time to do, preferring to simply get my feet wet around all the traditions for now. After retrieving my insulated navy-blue plaid jacket and knitted scarf from the foyer, I offered a quick thank-you to the ushers cleaning up after the service and excused myself from the building.

It was then late morning, the sun higher in the sky but no warmer than before. It still hadn’t snowed yet, as it likely wouldn’t until further into December. I wondered about where to get fresh cuts of holly for my apartment, but it was still a couple of weeks before I would begin such preparations. Then I thought of Saeran and his affinity for flowers. Surely, he would know of a good place to find festive plants, perhaps even directing me to that shop he recently began working at. Christmas was something I’d more often spend in my mother’s home once getting time off, but now with the party and the new family Min-Chae had found, things could be livelier.

I realized that this would be the first time the twins would have a Christmas together in only they knew how many years. My eyes traced the edge of a barren tree across the street when I heard the church door fall shut from behind and a taller, slender form strode up next to me. Saeyoung’s breath came out in white puffs of vapour as he spoke.

“Want a ride home?” His tone was lighter than before, but he still wasn’t back to his chipper self. Perhaps that was for the better, for now.

I shot him a half-smile. “Beats riding the bus.”

He gave me that sly, attractive smirk that I was beginning to crave regularly, his eyes squinting behind his glasses. “The Starlight Soldier can’t handle a little public transportation?”

I scoffed softly, rolling my eyes as he led me to his vehicle. “The Starlight Soldier handles public transportation far too often. I would’ve biked, but it’s a little far for me.”

Saeyoung popped out a short laugh, but he still wasn’t back to his usual volume. I liked this side of him; it was honest and gentle and…effortless. It made me want to relax more, too. “Does that mean you won’t be coming back, hm? Too inconvenient for you?”

I pursed my lips, dramatizing my look of deep thought as we climbed into the car. “Nah, I think I can manage coming back once in a while. Besides, you looked like you needed company back there.”

He didn’t reply until we were both strapped in and he’d pulled out into the street. Then, with a deep breath, he replied: “I’m really glad you came.” He played it completely straight.

I blinked at him, lacing my fingers together in my lap. “So am I.”

He perked up like he had a sudden thought. “Oh, right, I forgot. Look in the glove box.”

Raising an inquisitive brow, I did as he said, finding a small trinket on a loop and chain. It took the shape of a small vintage camera cut out from resin and painted black with silver accents. It was heavier than it looked, but not a burdensome object. “Uh, a keychain?”

“There’s a seam,” he explained. “You can pop the lens off.”

I did just that, surprised to find the connector end of a USB, the lens it was encased in hanging off from a sturdy hinge. “That’s rather clever.” I noticed then that it had ferns painted on the sides of the body of the mini camera.

“It’s got a lot of storage. And there’s a couple more ports on the bottom. I figured you have a lanyard you use for work, so you could store photos on there for transfer and—”

“Did you make this by hand?” I asked, startled at the realization.

He glanced at me past the rim of his glasses as he continued to drive, letting out a small chuckle. “More or less—Saeran did the painting since my hands aren’t quite steady enough—but yeah, I made it. Happy belated birthday.”

I gently closed the mechanism back up, being overly cautious despite knowing that Saeyoung likely made it quite sturdy. “Thank you. I love useful gifts like this; it was really thoughtful of you. Min-Chae warned me that I might get something sort of strange, but to be honest, after asking for a cat drawing, I wasn’t expecting anything terribly out-there.”

“As much fun as that would have been,” he returned, “you said you didn’t like making it a big deal. I figured you’d like something functional more.”

“You’d be right,” I agreed, turning the object around in my fingers as I continued to admire it. “When Jumin caught wind of missing my birthday, he tried to casually ask me what my favourite camera model was. I’m not stupid, I could see what he was getting at. I sort of understand why Zen gets so annoyed with him flaunting money. I don’t need any help getting to where I want to be.”

Saeyoung smirked again. “Yeah, that sounds like him. Though, Jumin seems to have become fond of you quite quickly.” He gave me a mischievous look and pulled a funny face. “Maybe he likes you~”

I clicked my tongue and furrowed my brow. “I don’t think Jumin would be interested in anybody, judging by his attitude towards romance in the chatroom.”

“But if he was?” Saeyoung pressed, his tone lilting in a manner that surprised me. He almost seemed apprehensive and prodding.

I shook my head. “He’d have to get used to disappointment. Jumin’s a cool guy, and we have some things in common, but I could never imagine him as a partner.”

Saeyoung just hummed thoughtfully in response, giving me little to go on.

I drew in a shallow breath. “What about you? Found a 606 to your 707?”

He cocked his head to the side. “There was once a time when I’d never have afforded myself such a luxury.”

“And now?”

“Saeran’s the most important thing in my life,” he added, “but I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t entertained the possibility of sharing my moments with someone in that way.”

“But you worry for him,” I continued.

He sighed deeply. “Yeah. That last thing I want is for him to think I’m leaving him behind again.”

“I don’t think you give him enough credit,” I offered quietly.

“What would you know about it?” he hissed, causing me to flinch at his stern words. Immediately, the look of hurt and annoyance dissolved from his face, replaced with one of guilt and concern. “I’m sorry, Hye-Jin, I didn’t mean—”

“It’s okay, I shouldn’t have said anything,” I rushed out, holding my arms closer to me. My blood felt warm from being startled, but I did my best to quell the flight-or-fight instinct. “It’s none of my business.”

“But still—”

“I’m fine.”

“Fuck,” I heard him mutter under his breath. He seemed just as aggravated that all our conversations ended up this way, with both of us exposed and raw. My eyes watered, mostly from adrenalin, and I sternly forced myself to remain composed.

We remained excruciatingly silent for the rest of the journey back to my place. Once Saeyoung placed the car in park, he flicked the keys to stop the engine, making me turn my head back towards him to see what was wrong. His eyes looked clouded, but they were fixed on me. “Why does this keep happening?” he asked, probably intending for it to be rhetorical. I shook my head, my lips squeezed into a small firm line. He reached for the handle of his door. “C’mon.”

Confused, I followed suit, pulling myself out of the vehicle and twisting around to see where he was going. It was a quiet part of town, and no one was around on a cold Sunday morning. When we met at the front of the vehicle, he embraced me without hesitation. The contact and invasion of personal space was briefly jarring, but my apprehension was lost to his warmth as I hugged him back, wrapping my arms up and around his ribs. Saeyoung was a few inches taller than me, so while he rested his head in the bend of my neck, I relaxed into the front of his shoulder. We stood there for a few heartbeats, breathing quietly, and daring not to make a sound.

“’M sorry,” I said, the slight tremble in my voice shocking me.

“Ha, _you’re_ sorry,” he laughed breathily, squeezing me a little tighter.

“You can’t take all the blame for this mess of a friendship we have,” I returned, trying to focus on the conversation instead of the close contact. “I think I need to accept the fact that we’re going to trigger each other sometimes, but I only hope we get closer.”

“That terrifies me.”

“Me too,” I agreed, slowly rubbing his back through his thick jacket. I was bewildered at how natural it felt, despite the intimate nature of it. Today had been a rollercoaster of emotions.

“Can I ask you a question about your dad?” he said as we pulled apart, still standing close.

I lifted my head to look him straight in the eyes and swallowed my fear along with my pride. “Yeah, go ahead.”

His brows knit together. “Did he yell at you a lot? Like…like I did just now?”

I opened my mouth to respond but had to take a moment to organize my thoughts. My heart hurt and my stomach felt heavy at the memories. “He did yell a lot, at me and my mom…but it wasn’t for that sort of reason. He yelled when he didn’t get his way, and whenever he saw something he didn’t like. Every day there was another tantrum, and I was somehow always the cause of his problems. He used to tell me I was a waste of space, and that I’d never amount to anything unless I did exactly what he said. But even then, he wasn’t satisfied. I eventually got fed up. So did Mom. But no, Saeyoung, you did not remind me of my father. You just freaked me out, and when I’m freaked out my automatic reaction is to shut down and protect myself.”

I hadn’t intended to say all of that at once, but it just came tumbling out. Maybe that was the effect Saeyoung had on me. His face drained a bit of its colour, and when he opened his mouth, I could see that it was dry. “Our mom used to say stuff like that…to Saeran more so.”

Pulling my mouth to the side in a grimace, I shrugged a little. “Yeah, but…the difference is that I had another parent who protected me. I don’t think its comparable.”

Saeyoung shook his head and sniffed, his nose turning pink from the cold. “No, but…thanks for explaining it to me.”

I gave him a small smile. “You know, when I first met you, I loved your sense of humour. They say that humour can help process pain, but…sometimes you just have to be human.”

He returned the smile. “Yeah, I’ve been figuring out how to do that. Believe it or not, Saeran’s been helping me remember how. I’d been living as a half-person for so long, I doubt anyone else could’ve revived me.”

“Such is love,” I said softly. “The love of God may be eternal, but the love we chose to cultivate on earth can bring such warmth to our lives.”

Saeyoung chuckled brightly, shoved his hands into his pockets, and shifted his weight as he looked at me fondly. “Since when are you so eloquent? I though Min-Chae was the one good with words.”

I rolled my eyes. “I have my moments. See you around, Saeyoung. And thanks for the gift.”

“Yeah,” he replied. I could hear the smile in his voice even though I’d already turned away. “See ya, Hye-Jin.”

Once I’d returned to my flat and shrugged out of my jacket, I got to making myself some tea and throwing a couple slices of bread into the toaster. I absently watched my kettle whine softly as it warmed, my arms crossed and my hips leaning back against the counter. So much had happened in only one morning, and I didn’t know what to make of any of my feelings. It had been such a long time since I allowed myself this sort of closeness to anyone. Not since I’d met Min-Chae and she’d sweet-talked her way into my life. It frightened me, and I wondered if I was somehow betraying her, but I knew that she’d only be happy that I was starting to open up to some of the people she considered like family.

I folded my fingers together and squeezed. Hard.

He definitely smelled like cedarwood.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was weirdly emotional for me...not sure why.


	8. VIII

The patio outside Min-Chae’s flat was one of my favourite places to be during the summer, but this time of year, she usually left it to get covered in a thin layer of powdered snow. This part of the country only got a centimeter or two at a time, and even now, at the beginning of December, there was only a dusting of snowflakes resting on the platform and railing, akin to a spray of flour. Min-Chae loved the holidays, so there were already tasteful bits of evergreens around, a habit she shared with me. She was a bit more interested in _Seollal_ , but I’d always returned to my mother’s home outside of the city for both occasions.

I drew out of my thoughts at the sound of her tea kettle whistling high, the sound quickly receding as Jihyun poured hot cocoa. He’d been looking brighter recently, and more often than not he had paint stains on his fingers. The chemistry he shared with my friend was a lovely thing to see and, knowing her lack of marriage traditions or strict religious affiliation, they were likely benefitting from a happy bedroom life. Luckily, Jumin and I were far from embarrassed at the occasional stray kisses shared between plans for the swiftly approaching party. Jumin was almost unflappable, and I was nothing but pleased to see the young couple affectionate and comfortable.

“So, Hye-Jin, we can rely on you to be at the party early to document the set-up process?” Min-Chae asked as she set down a mug in front of me at their dining table.

I nodded gently, taking the mug between both my hands, and relished in how the warmth seeped into my gloves and fingers. “Of course. It’ll be amusing to take pictures of paparazzi out front when people arrive as well. They never expect having the lens turned on them.”

“I trust you’ll remember that not all of our guests wish to be photographed,” Jumin added.

“Yes, I’ll remember,” I assured him. “There will be a time for that and a time when they can all relax without me running around for shots.”

Jumin looked pleased, giving me a small, controlled smile. He was very relaxed and friendly today; I wondered if perhaps business was going well to put him in such a good mood. However, Saeyoung had placed a bug in my ear with his off-handed comment. He was a deceivingly perceptive fellow, and if he suspected that Jumin was more friendly with me than average, then those extra glances and stares he was giving me didn’t put me at ease.

“Some of Jihyun’s friends from the art world will be there, you know,” Min-Chae mentioned, sending me a sideways look. “You might be able to make connections.”

My brows rose. “That wasn’t my original intention, but I certainly wouldn’t mind at all.”

“A couple of them are a little eccentric, but they all mean well,” Jihyun added, looking amused. “I’m sure you’ll at least have a pleasant evening, as is the goal for all.”

“The last couple months have gone by so quickly since I met the R.F.A.,” I observed, staring into my hot cocoa. “I guess that means I must be having fun, right?”

Min-Chae beamed at me, her cheeks positively pinchable with her widest grin. Then the buzzer at her door went off, startling all four of us. “Oh! If I’m right, that’s the shipment we’ve been expecting. Jihyun, give me a hand?”

“Of course,” he returned, already lifting out of his chair.

“Do you need any assistance?” Jumin offered.

Min-Chae kindly shook her head. “No, don’t worry yourself. We won’t be too long to sort it out. You two just talk amongst yourselves for a bit.”

We watched them round the corner past the kitchen and living room towards the door and out of sight. Min-Chae’s flat was spacious even without Jihyun’s financial aid, so their voices quickly receded to a quiet murmur. I rested my elbows on the table and crossed my arms loosely, leaning forward with my head turned towards the light snowfall again. The air looked so crisp and clear, but it was much too cold to open a window.

Jumin shifted a bit in his seat to do the same, face poised and posture impeccable as usual. I did admire that about him, I supposed, but I didn’t get the same warm bloom in my chest as I did when appreciating Saeyoung’s appearance. It confused me, since, though I found Saeran attractive, it wasn’t the same when I regarded him. Scars didn’t deter me at all, so it must have been a personality thing.

“You look rather lost in thought,” Jumin observed, his deep timbre bringing me back to reality. He spoke rather softly so Min-Chae and Jihyun couldn’t hear us chatting.

I brushed back my bangs, meeting his steel gaze evenly. “I’m a little intimidated by the approach of the party.”

“You don’t seem particularly off-put.”

I shrugged. “I’m good at concealing my true feelings.”

“A trait we share. A very advantageous one, in my opinion,” he replied with a small smile.

My eyes flickered downward for a moment, recalling my reconciliation with Saeyoung. “In certain scenarios, sure. I often fall victim to hurting myself by not expressing my stronger emotions. Though, my art is a good conduit, I suppose.”

He blinked, running his deft fingers over the fold of his sleeve by his elbow and straightening it. “Please don’t feel the need to hide your true thoughts around me. I’ll always appreciate your honesty.”

My thoughts stuttered for a moment, and I responded with a partially nervous, partially annoyed smile. “No offense, Jumin, but we’re not extremely acquainted.”

“Perhaps not, but I do sense a closeness, or perhaps a commonality, between us. Do you not?”

This was getting interesting quickly. I narrowed my gaze. “I’ll admit we have a few personality traits in common.”

He wore a satisfied look. “Just so. We are quite compatible, and I find your company very relaxing as a result. Your knack for finding new perspectives is rather refreshing and useful, even in the chatroom.”

I didn’t like him beating about the bush. I could tell he was holding back, and I wasn’t about to tolerate it. “What are you trying to say? Speak plainly to me, Jumin.”

An interest sparked in his eyes. It was a rather handsome expression, especially on his features, but I wasn’t interested in his appearance at the moment. “I think, if given the opportunity to spend more time together, we may both find that we are an appropriate match.”

My gaze became half-lidded, and I felt myself draw inward in an attempt to manage the strong mixture of astonishment and embarrassment. I could hardly believe my ears, but I forced myself to remain calm. If I were fond of Jumin in that way, I supposed I’d be utterly delighted by his interest in me. But, even then, the manner in which he expressed his intentions was rather dispassionate, which raised a red flag. Swallowing slowly, I formed a cautious response.

“Before I give my opinion,” I started, straining my ears to listen for Min-Chae and Jihyun’s approach. They seemed to still be busy. “I’d like to ask you a question.”

“Of course,” Jumin permitted. “Anything.” The way he said that set my teeth on edge.

“Are you attracted to me?” I inquired. “And I don’t mean in the way you might be attracted to a business deal or a cat. I mean, do you find yourself craving my company? Admiring my appearance? Can you imagine yourself loving me?”

“I already said I enjoy your company,” he returned quickly, looking confused. It was like he couldn’t imagine how I hadn’t heard him previously.

“That doesn’t answer my question,” I shot back just as quickly. “Do you wish for me to rephrase it?”

Jumin closed his eyes for a moment and I gave him the opportunity to think, folding my fingers together and squeezing my joints against one another. “No, I believe I understand what you mean. I would not characterize my feelings as a craving; it is merely a feeling of pleasure in your presence, particularly intellectually. As for love, I don’t see what love has to do with having a functional relationship.”

I actually snorted. It wasn’t loud, but I needed to find a way to defuse the tension I was feeling, and an awkward, somewhat dark laugh was the only way it was going to come out.

He rose one eyebrow at me as I chuckled. “What about this is amusing?”

“I’m amazed that someone as smart as you could have this so colossally mixed up,” I said, my tone kinder than my cutting words. “You say you feel pleasure in my presence? I can guarantee you that feeling will fade. All feelings fade. A relationship is built on so much more—something constant but flexible.”

“Just like love,” Jumin agreed. “Love is not a constant. What we could have is our similarities, our words, our thoughts to share—”

“I’m not much for words, Jumin.”

“Yes, so I keep hearing—” He paused, seeming frustrated. “How would you understand what is necessary in a relationship?”

I rubbed my forehead briefly. “By watching failures and successes, just like you. They usually agree, but, see—you’ve got a flawed definition of love, Jumin.” My conversation with Saeran returned to the forefront of my mind, and I couldn’t help but smile fondly at the memory. “Love is a choice, not a feeling. Feelings fade, they change, they transform. So, when our similarities are not enough, when that feeling of pleasure I give you slips away, will you choose to love me? Will you understand me not as your partner, but as a complete human being?”

Jumin watches me speak carefully, and when I finished, he collects it, turning his head to stare out the patio window again. Slowly, I do the same, and we sit in that silence comfortably for a minute or two. Eventually, I shift my eyes back over to him, tracing the lines of his visage thoughtfully. A part of me ached and wondered if perhaps I was a little too indelicate, but that was what usually happened when I was overwhelmed. But Jumin was a grown man. I could only hope that he would see through my abrasive candour to the feelings I was truly trying to convey. He wanted me to be more open with him, and well, he got it.

“I think I understand,” he said finally, voice quiet but still brimming with self-assuredness. “My father’s repeated personal failures are now illuminated in a new light. Thank you.”

I smiled sweetly at him, and he could tell I meant it. “I’m glad.”

His expression changed to one I’d never seen on him. It was almost as if he was nervous. “I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable.”

“Water under the bridge, Jumin.”

“I also have one question.”

I blinked, intrigued. “Go for it.”

“Can you not imagine yourself loving me, Hye-Jin?”

I pressed my lips together in a thin line, considering it fully. It was a good question, though I wondered what had made both Saeran and Jumin sound so desperately lonely. It wasn’t just them, there was a terrible ripple of solitude under every single one of them, save Jihyun. I wondered what sort of people were attracted to Min-Chae’s personality, and if I should count myself among them.

“No, Jumin,” I returned softly. “But I can imagine someone out there who would. Someone who would help you understand so much more about the world than I ever could. It’ll be your choice to love them when you find them.” Briefly, I thought about the future. “Besides…I know for a fact that I wouldn’t make you a very good wife.”

Jumin gave me a quizzical look. “What makes you say that?”

I cocked my head, glancing at my mug again. “Let’s just say that you don’t understand me fully yet.”

When Jihyun and Min-Chae returned not minutes later, we acted as if everything was exactly the same as they left it. We carried on with preparations regarding their wedding, though it was still some time off. They both wanted it outdoors, but of course with a backup plan in case there was a freak storm. Though, Min-Chae did jovially mention that she didn’t mind getting wet, and I loved taking reflection photos. Still, Jumin assured that his resources would be there to save the day, though he agreed that a clear outdoor venue in the countryside would really mark the event. Of course, neither of them had much family to consider inviting, but the R.F.A. would make up for it, and they weren’t interested in a massive affair.

Jumin was called in by work, and Min-Chae was kind enough to have me stay for dinner. Things had become increasingly casual between Jihyun and I, so the remaining three of us stood around the kitchen chatting happily, a glass of Jumin’s wine in both their hands. Of course, Min-Chae was clever enough to catch on my vulture’s gaze as I watched Jumin leave, the tension in my shoulders likely apparent to her alone.

“What did you two talk about while we were busy?”

My face went slack in surprise at the question. “Oh, nothing.”

She laughed, glancing at her fiancé. “Surely it wasn’t nothing. You didn’t just sit there in silence the whole time, did you?”

I rolled my eyes dramatically, grinning a little at the thought. “No, of course not. It’s just not worth mentioning.” I cursed myself for the slight quiver in my voice.

Min-Chae ceased her efforts towards dinner, leaving Jihyun to chop vegetables quietly behind her as he listened to us. “You’re lying,” she accused, squinting at me.

I caved. She was impervious. “Uh, well—” I tried to find the best way of putting it. “I guessed he asked me out? Sort of? It’s hard to tell with him.”

Jihyun’s motions stopped, leaving the kitchen dead quiet as they both stared at me in utter astonishment.

I winced, shrinking into myself. “Please stop looking at me like that.”

“WHAT?!” Min-Chae shrieked excitedly, bouncing a little in her spot. Jihyun flinched at her volume; it was not a habit of hers, so it was likely rather grating and unexpected. “Jumin. Asked you. Am I hearing things correctly?”

“You are, love,” Jihyun offered calmly, continuing to chop vegetables again.

“I said no,” I continued flatly.

Min-Chae snorted. “Of course you did. I figured that much, silly!”

“Really? I thought you two were hitting it off,” Jihyun butted in with an innocent look.

I shook my head at him, and so did Min-Chae. “Jumin’s cool, but no. I’m not interested in a romantic relationship with him. And you should’ve heard him,” I explained, all the emotion of the encounter coming out in this interaction. “He said he felt relaxed around me and that we have compatible characteristics and was trying to justify pursuing a romantic relationship based solely on that.”

“Oh boy,” Min-Chae sighed, returning to the stove my Jihyun’s side.

The latter let out an exasperated breath. “Of course he did.”

“I told him that wasn’t how it would work, and how feelings are fleeting. He couldn’t even really admit to being attracted to me, only that he desired my company, sort of. It ended up doing him some good, I think, about his father? I told him love is a choice, not a feeling—I’d actually said something similar to Saeran a couple weeks ago—and how feelings leave and change but that choice is constant and flexible and forgiving. A feeling is selfish, but a choice leaves you to see the person wholly.” My face was hot with embarrassment and a little anger, the words coming out rapidly so I wouldn’t have to talk for long. “I mean, could you imagine how insufferable it would be to have an argument or an unhappy streak with someone who really didn’t see you as you are? You’ve gotta be there even when it’s hard, even when they struggle, and you have to pull more weight for a bit. When you accidently hurt each other and need to reconcile, you gotta—"

They were staring at me again. Then they looked at each other, and than back at me. I furrowed my brow. They looked like they were holding in a laugh, but I didn’t understand why.

“Please stop,” I sighed, disliking all these looks I was getting. “What is it this time?”

Jihyun was left to answer me as Min-Chae starting giggling. “It’s just…I don’t think I’ve ever heard you say so much in one go. It sounds like you know what you’re talking about.”

I pulled my mouth to the side and rested my weight on one hip. “Sure, I watched my parents’ marriage fall apart, and mom has a new boyfriend who really looks after her. And I have you guys. I understand how it works.”

“But,” Min-Chae added, recovered from her little laughing spell, “you sound like you _know_ what you’re talking about. Like you really _get_ it.”

“Have you met someone special to you?” Jihyun asked, seeming genuinely curious and supportive. I blinked in confusion. _Had_ I?

“And you didn’t tell me?” Min-Chae crooned, sounding disappointed.

For a solid five seconds, I said nothing, just staring back at them as they waited for me to respond. I thought back through the last couple months, recounting all the new faces and emotions that had run through my life, all the chatroom conversations and lingering looks. My now cooled blush returned, warm and tingling in my face and down my neck.

“Oh, Heaven help me,” I croaked, hiding my face in my hands, my heart flayed open and raw for the both of them to see. “ _I’m in love with_ _Saeyoung._ ”

Min-Chae 22:03

_I still CANNOT believe_

_You said it out loud, Hye-Jin_

Hye-Jin 22:03

_I love you, but please stop_

Kim Jihyun 22:04

_*sweatdrop emoticon*_

_Don’t tease her too much_

_Especially in the chatroom_

Min-Chae 22:05

_*excited emoticon*_

_You don’t understand_

_All these years_

_She’s never said anything like this out loud_

Kim Jihyun 22:06

_Regardless_

_I think it’s wonderful, Hye-Jin_

Hye-Jin 22:06

_Can we stop talking about it?_

_I beg you_

_ZEN has entered the chatroom._

ZEN 22:07

_What are you all talking about?_

_What did Hye-Jin say out loud?_

Hye-Jin 22:07

_Shit_

Min-Chae 22:08

_Language_

Hye-Jin 22:09

_Hangul_

_Bite me_

Kim Jihyun 22:09

_It’s not important, Hyun_

_Don’t worry about it_

_Yoosung_ _★_ _has entered the chatroom._

Yoosung ★ 22:10

_You promised no more secrets_

Min-Chae 22:10

_*sigh emoticon*_

_I don’t think this really counts_

ZEN 22:11

_Too late, you gotta tell us_

Hye-Jin 22:11

_They certainly DO NOT_

Kim Jihyun 22:12

_Hyun, for all you know, it could be very…_

_Personal_

Hye-Jin 22:12

_Great, thanks_

_That just makes me sound weird_

_It’s not weird, guys_

Min-Chae 22:13

_If it’s not weird, we can at least tell them part of it_

Hye-Jin 22:13

_Don’t you dare_

Yoosung ★ 22:14

_Whatever it is, I’m sure I can speak for everyone_

_When I say that we will accept it_

_But I made them promise to never_

_Keep anymore secrets_

ZEN 22:15

_That’s right_

_Don’t worry, Hye-Jin_

_We love you just as you are_

Min-Chae 22:15

_That is true…_

_*happy emoticon*_

Hye-Jin 22:16

_She’s only pleased_

_Because she wants to spill my beans_

_707 has entered the chatroom._

707 22:17

_Beans?_

Min-Chae 22:17

_*blow-kiss emoticon*_

_Breathtaking timing, as usual_

Kim Jihyun 22:18

_I really don’t think we should…_

707 22:18

_Secrets???_

_*love emoticon*_

Hye-Jin 22:19

_N_

_O_

_._

_I forbid it._

707 22:19

_*huff emoticon*_

_Right as they were almost convinced_

_U won’t share a secret_

_With ur bestest friend_

_God7?_

Hye-Jin 22:21

_Not this one_

_Also, what are you smoking?_

_My bestest friend is Min-Chae_

Min-Chae 22:22

_*blow-kiss emoticon*_

_That’s right_

_Jihyun and I_

_Are the only ones who know_

Yoosung ★ 22:23

_But you promised_

_No more secrets_

ZEN 22:23

_Yoosung, we shouldn’t make Hye-Jin uncomfy…_

707 22:23

_Ya_

_I agree with Zen_

_If she doesn’t wanna say_

_Then let’s just leave it there_

Yoosung ★ 22:24

_*sulk emoticon*_

_Alright…_

_Min-Chae was making such a big deal of it_

_I was just really curious to know_

ZEN 22:25

_And the truth emerges_

Hye-Jin 22:25

_It’s not even that big of a deal_

Yoosung ★ 22:26

_You said the same thing_

_About your birthday…_

Min-Chae 22:27

_I think what you said is a big deal_

_Especially that you said it out loud in front of us_

Hye-Jin 22:27

_It was a spur of the moment thing_

_Also, you’re not helping_

Min-Chae 22:28

_I think_

_It would be wise to tell part of it_

Hye-Jin 22:28

_Wise._

Min-Chae 22:29

_Hear me out_

_It might_

_Take a weight off your shoulders_

_So to speak_

Hye-Jin 22:30

_How could it?_

ZEN 22:31

_Does anyone understand what’s going on?_

Yoosung ★ 22:31

_Nope_

Kim Jihyun 22:31

_I do not_

707 22:32

_I believe we are witnessing_

_The enigmatic language that is_

_The Girl Code ™_

Min-Chae 22:32

_Hye-Jin_

_Do you trust me?_

Hye-Jin 22:32

_…_

_Always_

Min-Chae 22:33

_Then trust me when I say_

_This will help you_

Hye-Jin 22:33

_I don’t think it will work_

_I don’t think I deserve it_

_But okay_

ZEN 22:34

_You don’t think you deserve help?_

Yoosung ★ 22:34

_Hye-Jin…we are here for you_

Hye-Jin 22:35

_Jeez it’s not that serious_

707 22:35

_Don’t say you don’t deserve it_

_You deserve any good thing Min-Chae can think of_

Hye-Jin 22:36

_…_

_Okay._

_I said, out loud, as I realized it:_

_That I am in love with someone_

Yoosung ★ 22:37

_*blushing emoticon*_

_That’s sooooo sweeet_

ZEN 22:37

_You’re adorable, Hye-Jin_

_*happy emoticon*_

Kim Jihyun 22:38

_It’s a wonderful feeling_

_I’m sure whoever it is feels the same way_

Hye-Jin 22:38

_I doubt it_

_I’m a hard type to like_

Min-Chae 22:39

_*angry emoticon*_

_Say that again and I will go over there_

_And squeeze your soul out with a hug_

ZEN 22:39

_Min-Chae’s right_

_You have an amazing charm_

_And you’re a talented artist_

_Like me~_

_*wink emoticon*_

Yoosung ★ 22:40

_And I think you’re cute!_

_*happy emoticon*_

Hye-Jin 22:41

_That’s nice of you all_

_But honestly_

_There’s a high chance_

_I’ll have to let this go_

Min-Chae 22:41

_Hye-Jin…_

Kim Jihyun 22:42

_Don’t be discouraged…_

_Not until you know for sure_

_Don’t lose hope_

_Not on love_

_Hye-Jin has left the chatroom._

Min-Chae 22:43

_*sigh emoticon*_

Yoosung ★ 22:43

_Why does she think the one she loves_

_Won’t love her back?_

Min-Chae 22:44

_That question_

_Has a complicated answer_

_But Hye-Jin is a person_

_Who always lives on edge_

_She’s afraid that if she messes up, even a little_

_Everyone’s opinion of her will change_

_She only wants to be seen as herself_

_But she never can without assumptions being made about her_

_So she hides it all away…_

_Only the lucky ones_

_Will see her in her full beauty_

ZEN 22:46

_*cry emoticon*_

_How tragic_

Yoosung ★ 22:46

_It seems like everyone_

_Is more than meets the eye_

Kim Jihyun 22:47

_Such is mankind…_

707 22:48

_…_

Min-Chae 22:48

_Seven?_

_707 has left the chatroom._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It took us nearly 40,000 words to get to this point. In case you can't tell, Hye-Jin is a master of emotional denial. Sound familiar?


	9. IX

As winter grew colder, I drew deeper into hot mugs of tea and even fluffier sweaters. Work slowed, but I was still out often to take shots for articles. It was now only a week before Christmas and two weeks until the New Year’s Eve R.F.A party. Min-Chae was running off her feet to make sure all preparations and arrangements were in order for the event, but with Jaehee and Jumin’s help, she wasn’t completely alone. She had time enough to ask me to accompany her for selecting a dress and shoes, which was a welcome outing. Between work and making plans for visiting my mother’s home outside the city for the holidays, I was in the mood for a distraction.

The stores were just approaching the beginning of their annual Christmas sales and promotions, something I quietly expressed my annoyance at as Min-Chae strolled with me down a shopping district. One thing I was grateful for was the slightly more conservative advertising there was here compared to some western countries. The warm smell of street food was a pleasant addition, reminding me of the first time I’d met Saeyoung and Saeran. My face grew flushed; it was happening more and more lately that the small things in my life would remind me of him. All I wanted was to share those little amusements or interests that would pass me by throughout my day. I was usually apprehensive to contact him randomly, not wanting to give myself away, but cutting myself off would only be more suspicious.

I saw a striped gray tabby cat sitting patiently outside a restaurant. He seemed to know he wouldn’t be welcome inside but stayed for the heat radiating out when customers stepped in or out, making him look like a guardian of the place. I watched him carefully as he lazily winked at me, tail swaying back and forth at his side contently. Saeyoung would’ve loved him.

“—I was thinking about going for a rose-red sort of colour, full-length. But then again, that’s rather too bombastic for me, and of course I have to match Jihyun, so—” Min-Chae paused to look at my small grin. She linked her arm in mine and smiled with her warm brown eyes. “Whatchya thinkin’ about?” she teased. When I swivelled my head back to look at her, my face slack in confusion and my eyes wide, she ruffled my black bangs over my forehead.

“Hey—” I laughed, re-aligning my beanie hat and sticking my tongue out at her. “I was just…enjoying the scenery.”

She gave me an incredulous but amused expression. “You don’t like shopping,” she rebutted. “I know you only came because you wanted to hang out with me, and I know you weren’t listening to anything I was saying. Were you thinking about Saeyoung?”

It took all my willpower not to grin. “I think you should wear something light pink and get a tie for Jihyun in the same colour. It will look good with his hair and your complexion.”

She clicked her tongue at me, squinting. “That is stellar aesthetic advice, Hye-Jin, but you’re avoiding the subject.”

This time I let slip a smug smirk. “Really? I thought I was getting us back on subject.”

“Oh, you—!” she huffed, feigning anger. “You were thinking of him, weren’t you?”

I nodded. “Guilty.”

“You’d make such a cute couple,” she sighed. “I don’t understand why you don’t ask him out. Even if he says no, I doubt he’d hold it against you. Seven is the master of ignoring emotions and carrying on.”

My gaze fell away. “I told you already, Saeyoung would be better off with someone who can goof around with him and make him happy. I just…I have such a dry sense of humour and I’m too serious.”

She rolled her eyes. “Do you think Jihyun and I have the same sense of humour? Partners don’t have to be carbon copies of one another or a perfect vaudeville act. If you’re just like your partner, you’ll just end up in the same emotional ruts and won’t be able to help each other out. I think you and Saeyoung are an excellent match.”

“We’re not a match at all,” I returned. “I’ll just…I dunno, I’ll just be friends. It’s better that way. I can handle it.”

Min-Chae appeared sympathetic, which I didn’t like. “You say that now, but—”

“ _But_ nothing. He barely even—if he does like me, I bet that will change as soon as—well, you know.” I didn’t want to say it out loud. Especially not in public.

“Speaking of which,” she chirped, trying to lighten the mood. I guessed she was quickly getting tired of romance-related questions getting no where with me. “Dresses. I think I’ll take your advice, but I was wondering what you’re going to do. I mean, you can’t very well come to the party in a turtleneck and jeans.”

“If I were just there for a job, I would,” I grumbled. “But there’s an expectation that I’ll be all dolled up, right?” She nodded. “I have a dress. It’s black with a straight off-the-shoulder neckline and half-sleeves, a princess skirt down to the knees—” I hesitated, licking my lips and tugging at my fingerless gloves— “and a low-cut back.”

Her eyes widened, and I clenched waiting for the reaction. Her voice came out very small. “You’re really going all out, huh?”

I shrugged, feeling awkward. “Might as well. Hopefully I won’t get run out on rail.” I tried to joke to diffuse the tension.

“I’d never let that happen,” she said sternly. “As party coordinator, I hold the ropes. You’ll be fine as long as I’m there. Besides, as long as the members take it into stride, everyone else will follow suit.”

I nodded slowly, letting out a long steady breath through my nose. “Okay.”

Min-Chae squeezed my elbow in reassurance. “Trust me. I’ve got you.”

I relaxed a little. “Yeah, I know.”

“I think Zen will get a little jealous. He doesn’t like not being the center of attention.”

We giggled together before finding the shop she wanted to visit. Min-Chae had an amazing figure, so she looked lovely in almost everything, but it was the long flowing piece with an off-the-shoulder sweetheart neckline and one modest leg cut that sealed the deal for me. It was somewhere between light pink and salmon, and, with her chocolate brown hair, was a lovely match.

While going through shoes (easily my least favourite activity), I showed her a picture of the dress I had at home from my phone. Someone like me did not look good in everything. Thanks to having the lifestyle of a photographer who was constantly running around and stooping into awkward positions, I had a somewhat wiry frame built for endurance, not beauty. I was not particularly blessed in the chest area, making it more worthwhile to find cuts that showed off the length of my neck, my collarbones, and the dip between my shoulder blades. While I did recognize the weird society-implemented advantage I had in not being naturally chubby, as some women were, I could hardly call myself model material like Zen or Min-Chae. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that most of the R.F.A. was comprised of good-looking people. Sure, there were some flaws here and there, but plenty of handsome folks had that one ‘ugly’ feature that made them ‘cute’ or ‘humanized’. I was inclined to agree that some flaws were very appealing the in the context of the person, but beauty standards always came with a bad aftertaste.

Saeyoung and Saeran were a couple of appealing young men, and it would be foolhardy to pretend that one didn’t compare twins. Obviously, many people would be deterred by the scar running up Saeran’s neck and the lower left side of his face, but anyone with decency and common sense could recognize that his symmetrical, sharp-featured face and large eyes lent themselves smartly to his appearance. Saeyoung shared that with him, though his cheekbones and the size of his eyes were a bit more obscured by his glasses. His freckles were darker, eyes a brighter amber, and his frame was a bit more athletic and healthier compared to Saeran’s slippery joints and frail stature. I shook myself out of recalling how lovely and long Saeyoung’s legs were. Perhaps one of the more obvious differences between them were their smiles. Saeran didn’t break out into full grins very often, but when he gave a particularly enthusiastic smirk, it could be seen that his teeth were incredibly straight for someone who definitely never had braces. Saeyoung, on the other hand, had canines set slightly forward next to his otherwise aligned pearly whites. These little details had become more apparent to me over the last few weeks, but I had chalked it up to vague observation until recently.

Suddenly, as Min-Chae was still deciding between pumps or wedges, I had a thought and sent a quick text to Saeran.

“It’ll be the first Christmas the twins have together since…” I though aloud, my thumbs slowing as I composed the text at the same time.

Min-Chae hummed solemnly. “Yeah, it is. I expect they’ll spend it together quietly. I’ve gathered that it is very important to Saeyoung.”

I nodded slowly as I sent the message. “For people like us, it’s a time for some celebration and reflection.”

She paused in her show browsing to smile warmly at me. “It’s wonderful that you can share that with him. Even if you insist on remaining friends.”

Rubbing my fingers together, I recalled praying by the rosary with him. “It’s a little different than the way I was raised, but I think learning the traditions now gives me a different perspective. I’m really grateful for that.”

“I thought you said you’d let God show your path…what makes you think Saeyoung isn’t a part of it?”

“Paths still have choice,” I murmured, refusing to meet her eyes. “I feel that it is not the correct thing to do right now.”

“You’re being stubborn,” she sighed at me.

“I know.”

Min-Chae drew in a breath that lifted her shoulders. “Well. I never understood how December 25th is the day they chose. It’s not even the day of Christ’s birth!”

I breathed a little laugh. “It was to have it coincide with Yuletide, I told you that. He was born in late autumn.”

After that shop, Min-Chae stepped into a cosmetics place and we split ways so I could grab something a few stops down. When we went home, she asked me what was in the bag, but I brushed her off with it being a Christmas present for someone. She smirked but didn’t press me. I wasn’t much for receiving presents, but I made an effort to find a little something for her and my mother the last few years. Now, I had more friends than I ever had before.

It was the last movie night with the twins before things would start to get really busy between all our schedules. Both of them were up to their eyes with software work from C&R thanks to a new online service Jumin decided to spearhead. Saeran was still working at a flower shop, which, during the holidays was a mess of shipments from greenhouses and everyone ordering for loved ones. For the first time, Saeyoung had selected the movie, the famous _Night-horror Before Christmas,_ as a way for us to enjoy the season.

“It’s more of a Halloween film, really,” I said to Saeran as we stood by the booth counter next to the kitchen while Saeyoung finished something upstairs. I was wearing a looser turtleneck, the kind that had sleeves so long only my fingers poked out. It was forest green and knit from a tight, gentle cotton yarn, fitting over thick black-and-gray striped leggings and fuzzy black socks.

“I think because he wanted me to pick movies for a while, he missed his chance on Halloween,” he rationalized. “Besides, judging from the title, it’s clearly more of a Christmas movie.”

“I suppose it’s both,” I conceded, sipping on the tea he brewed for me in advance. We’d had movie night enough times now that I had my own box in the cupboard. Saeran took to hot cocoa to feed his sweet tooth. “How’s the flower shop these days?”

His shoulders slumped a little and he pulled an awkward, exasperated face. “Don’t get me wrong, I do love it—enough to consider quitting C&R completely if I get the chance—but it’s been nothing but roses and poinsettia for daaaaaaays.”

“Love birds want them for gifts, I suppose?”

“There’s more than one way to express love,” Saeran returned, sounding annoyed. “Honestly, much better ways—you could write a poem with a bouquet…”

I smiled fondly at him, appreciating how expressive he was about plants. It was one of the only subjects that got him to put more than two sentences together. I supposed I was the same when it came to photography and art. Still, the idea of having conversations or little snippets of feelings communicated with flowers was a romantic notion, even if not used for romance.

Saeran must’ve noticed me spacing out, because he began to trail off before staring at me for a few moments. “Moonflower,” he called out.

I blinked. “Sorry?”

His gaze slid to the side. “It means ‘dreaming of love’. That’s what your expression reminded me of.”

My up to now pleasant expression fell slack. “Dreaming…” I offered a weak smile with an even weaker laugh. “I’ve always preferred promises.” He looked confused. “I’ll explain another time.”

Saeran pulled on the collar of his hoodie to move it up a bit. “I know you’re in love with him.”

I could’ve sworn my stomach hit the floor as I gave a nearly inaudible, “What?”

“I know you’re in love with my brother. Ever since you said it in the chatroom, I knew it.”

“I guess I’m completely transparent, huh?”

He shrugged. “Maybe it’s obvious to me because we see you often. Saeyoung is utterly dense about that sort of stuff because he could never imagine anyone loving him that way.”

“That’s idiotic,” I retorted, my face growing warm from combined embarrassment and irritation. I set my mug down with a _clack._ “He’s good-looking, funny, and extremely intelligent. What more could—” I stopped myself before getting too far and Saeran gave me the smuggest smirk I’d ever seen on him.

“You should prove to him that he’s lovable,” he encouraged.

I didn’t like his teasing tone. “Don’t be ridiculous. It’s pretty clear he couldn’t be bothered by me.”

He tilted his head to the side, smiled fading. “Saeyoung basically never tells me how he truly feels about anything unless I ask because he doesn’t want to burden me, but…we live in the same house. After you said you were in love with someone, he’s been quiet and moody.”

“Coincidence,” I deflected.

He sipped his hot cocoa. “If you say so. I’m getting pretty tired of you two ogling each other.”

“I do not--!” I flinched, lowering my voice and regaining my iron grip on myself. “I do not ogle him.”

“You do,” he sang, heading over to the couch to get comfy. “He’s probably lost track of time up there, so you should go get him.” He waved causally like a mother would if she were sending her child away on an errand. He was getting snarkier with all this exposure to his silly-mannered brother.

I drew in a deep breath and huffed quietly, gathering my wits to ascend the stairs. “You know,” I added before I left, “He told me once that he didn’t want to make you feel like you were being left behind again.”

I heard Saeran shuffled in his seat, but he didn’t respond right away. “Is that what’s holding you back? You’re afraid he’ll reject you because of me?”

I gripped the handrail, hard. “No. I only worry that my useless emotions will lay waste to a beautiful family bond.”

He sighed. “It’s not that beautiful. Saeyoung doesn’t communicate because he’s terrified of hurting me and I’m basically a bundle of trauma and mental disorders, even after two solid years of quality therapy and medication. It’s not a pretty combination.”

“But you work hard for what you have.”

“We do,” he agreed. “But, y’know…he could do with more. Someone who can show him new ways of looking at problems and confront him about his feelings.”

Saeran’s words weighed on me. I considered those uncomfortable conversations I’d had with Saeyoung and our eventual reconciliation. He made me want to be more open with him. He made me want to help him, too. Maybe…that was enough. I strode up the stairs to Saeyoung’s office.

His door was ajar by a couple inches, the soft ceiling light and sharper tones of computer monitors cutting through into the hallway. My socked feet slid quietly against the dark hardwood as I drew close and gently knocked my knuckles against the door. I could hear the overturning of paper and the high metallic clicks of some sort of tools. Very faint electronic music played in the background: chiptunes, one of my favourite genres. “Can I come in?” I asked, just so he’d know who was there.

“Hm? Oh, Hye-Jin. Yeah, come in,” he replied, shoving something into a drawer quickly just before I swung the door open. I was alarmed to see him cross-legged on the floor, various bits of graphing paper and robotics parts strewn about haphazardly. His three computer monitors displayed a music playlist, a cat video compilation, and yet another diagram, respectively. He had his glasses perched on top of his head, his hair ruffled and drawn back in some places from the frames. I was almost certain that was the first time I had seen any part of his forehead. He was dressed in black jeans and a t-shirt with ‘I was normal three cats ago’ scrawled across it. A cranberry-red hoodie was discarded over the back of his office chair. He glanced up at me and gestured upwards in a sort of shrug. “Yeah, I dunno. This just…happened.”

I couldn’t help but grin and let out a small chuckle. He smiled back, slightly embarrassed, but then yawned suddenly. My heart melted a little, and I let it. As I tip-toed my way through the disaster zone to stoop next to him, I took a look at his diagrams and plans. It looked like more work on his AI personal assistant, but with some more modifications than the last I had seen it. “Rough sleep last night?” I inquired, propping up my head with my elbow resting on my crouched knees.

He smirked as the yawn ended, tears in his eyes and bags underneath them, too. “Yeah, sometimes I just start thinking about stuff and it doesn’t leave my head, y’know?”

I nodded, reaching up to pull his glasses off his forehead. “I’ve never seen you without these,” I observed, tracing the yellow and dark gray strips with my fingertips. “Your eyes are really pretty without these in the way.”

He gave a short laugh, leaning back on his hands. “They’re the same as Saeran’s.”

I raised an eyebrow at him. “No, they’re not. His eyes are darker and a little green near the pupils.”

“Of course you would notice something like that,” he said fondly, making me blush a little. He watched me handle the glasses for a bit, then said, “You can try them on if you want.”

I smile turned lopsided, but I did it anyway, sliding them on carefully. Unfortunately, I had perfect eyesight and the lenses were strong. “Ow,” I breathed, pulling them off almost immediately.

“Ha, yeah, they’re a little intense. Years of reading and staring at monitors in the dark will do that to you. I’ve had that pair for a long time, but I got checked out recently and they gave me a new prescription.”

“Surely you can keep using the frames. These are quite unique; they suit your personality.”

He shrugged. “Yeah, they’re great, but it’d be nice to have a second set of frames. Something more…I dunno, professional? Classy? Jeez, I never used to care about that kind of stuff. Ah~ it’s so hard to be blinder than a bat. Not very godly.”

I slid the glasses up onto my forehead, mirroring the way he had done it, and shot over a wide, toothy smirk. We were close enough that he could definitely see my expression, and he gave a quizzical one in response. I reached under the hem of my sweater to pull out the small, long brown case I’d wedged between my hip and the waistband of my leggings. His eyes widened to saucers as he recognized what it was.

“I know I said I’m not one for giving or receiving gifts, but,” I said, holding it out, “Merry Christmas.”

Saeyoung slowly accepted it, looking completely astonished. “How…how did you—?” Cutting himself off, he pulled the case open to reveal a set of thin, gold frames with large lenses in a rounder style than his usual square set. The clerk at the store said something about the frames being part of a line named after type fonts and this pair being called ‘optima’, but I didn’t really pay attention to most of what he said.

“I asked Saeran. He snooped around to give me the numbers,” I explained. “Go on. Try them on.”

“I had a pair kind of similar to these as a kid, though they were way too big for my head,” he recalled fondly, ruffling his bangs forward before slipping them on. I was filled with satisfaction; my instincts on what would suit him were correct. He noticed my face immediately brighten. “I take it they look good, then?”

“Very good,” I confirmed.

“And I can see a little better,” he mused, squinting dramatically. “Woah! I didn’t know you had a nose,” he dramatized, making me snicker.

“And,” I quickly added, handing his original frames back to him, “I can see your eyes much better this way. Which is always a bonus. As much as the old ones fit your personality, I like the lack of distraction.”

Saeyoung looked at me tenderly. “Seriously, Hye-Jin…thank you. It’s not even Christmas yet.”

“No, but this is probably the last time I’ll see you before the party. I’m going to take some time off work and visit my mom soon. I gave Saeran a bonsai tree.” I got up, regretting being in that position for so long as an ache in my knees rose sharply before relaxing again. Saeyoung did the same, throwing on his hoodie and placing his old frames on the desk. He looked a little melancholic all the sudden, and my heart swelled with compassion. “Hey, Saeran’s waiting for us. Let’s go watch the movie you picked out.”

“Hye-Jin,” he called quietly, still turned away from me.

“Mm?”

“Who are you in love with?”

I swallowed, trying not to be too loud about it. My mouth was dry. “Why does it matter?”

“Answer the question.” His tone was dead serious, and it was kind of frightening.

“I’ll tell you, just not right now. Saeran’s waiting,” I said, trying to find any way out of this. He was making it really hard not to just fess up, but I didn’t want to deal with the repercussions right now. I didn’t want to spoil a perfectly good evening.

Saeyoung let it go, and to my surprise, didn’t even ask me about it as he drove me back to my apartment as usual. Instead, we just chatted about the party and recent news in the chatroom, and I finally managed to completely relax. It reminded me why I enjoyed his company so much, especially since we worked out our little issue. He was still playful in his dialogue, but more and more he’d show a more sensitive, serious side when no one else was around, a side I was quickly growing attached to. In turn, I was more talkative and varied in my range of emotions, though the fear was still there, lingering in the back of my mind. He wouldn’t know the full truth until the party, and neither would I.

_Hye-Jin has entered the chatroom._

Hye-Jin 22:43

_Did you get back okay, Saeyoung?_

_Han Jumin has entered the chatroom._

_ZEN has entered the chatroom._

Han Jumin 22:46

_Why does Saeyoung’s well-being concern you?_

Hye-Jin 22:47

_He drove me home_

_I was over at the twins’ place_

_Like I am almost every Saturday night_

ZEN 22:48

_*cry emoticon*_

_They’re lucky to see you all the time_

_Sometimes I wish I didn’t have to work so hard_

_I want to see all my lovely friends_

Han Jumin 22:49

_I see Jihyun and Min-Chae frequently now_

_But I do miss the other members_

ZEN 22:49

_Oh, how kind of you to think of the rest of us._

Han Jumin 22:50

_You’re welcome._

ZEN 22:50

_*sigh emoticon*_

_Jeez…_

Han Jumin 22:51

_But Hye-Jin_

_Perhaps it’s not such a good idea_

_For you to be riding home with Saeyoung_

_By yourselves_

Hye-Jin 22:52

_Pardon?_

ZEN 22:52

_As old-fashioned as Mr. Trust Fund Kid is_

_I kind of agree_

Hye-Jin 22:53

_I don’t know what I find more insulting_

_The idea that Saeyoung_

_YOUR friend_

_May hurt me, or_

_The concept that I can’t handle myself_

Han Jumin 22:55

_We don’t mean to insult you_

_It is born of concern_

ZEN 22:56

_You shouldn’t place yourself_

_In any kind of situation that could bring you harm_

_Regardless of the other party_

_All men are wolves, Hye-Jin_

Hye-Jin 22:57

_This has been happening for weeks_

_Okay_

_I’m ignoring this unsolicited advice_

_So we can continue to be friendly_

_But just for the record_

_I’m upset_

ZEN 22:59

_*cry emoticon*_

_Don’t be upset, Hye-Jin_

_We’re just looking out for you_

_Because we care_

Hye-Jin 22:59

_…._

Han Jumin 23:00

_Correct_

_Your well-being means very much to all the members_

_Especially to Min-Chae and me_

ZEN 23:00

_Wait, why especially to you?_

Hye-Jin 23:01

_Don’t_

ZEN 23:01

_Oh god_

Hye-Jin 23:02

_I offer no reciprocation_

_Other than sentiments of goodwill_

_For my friends, which you two are_

_Please drop the subject_

Han Jumin 23:03

_Very well_

_Please keep what we said in mind, Hye-Jin_

Hye-Jin 23:03

_Sigh_

_Goodnight, you guys_

_Saeyoung, if you read this…_

_I hope you’re safe at home_

_Hye-Jin has left the chatroom._

ZEN 23:05

_On that note_

_I am going to have a good night_

_Just as the lady says_

_ZEN has left the chatroom._

_707 has entered the chatroom._

707 23:07

_lol I’m fine, Hye-Jin_

_Thx for worrying about me_

_*happy emoticon*_

_Wait…_

_…._

_Wtf, Jumin, Zen!?_

Han Jumin 23:09

_Salty words for the chatroom_

707 23:09

_You deserve it_

_Holy shit_

_How could you think that about me…_

_I’d never hurt Hye-Jin!_

_In any way_

Han Jumin 23:10

_I believe you_

_But it was the principle of the matter_

707 23:10

_I don’t care about your principles_

_Not only does it not make sense_

_But it makes it seem like_

_You don’t think Hye-Jin is very strong…_

Han Jumin 23:11

_Physically speaking_

_She does not seem strong_

707 23:11

_She’s stronger than she looks_

_And she’s more than capable_

_…_

_You know what_

_Whatever_

_Zen I can forgive because of his chivalry thing, but_

_Jumin._

Han Jumin 23:12

_Yes?_

707 23:12

_I know you’re saying all this_

_Because you like Hye-Jin_

_And you’re overly protective_

_That’s obvious_

Han Jumin 23:13

_You misunderstand_

707 23:13

_Oh I think I understand a lot_

_It’s fine_

_But if you actually care about her_

_Think of her better than that_

_At least_

_707 has left the chatroom._

Han Jumin 23:14

_Things are very tense right now_

_I’d like to express my gratitude_

_To those working hard for the party_

_Like Min-Chae and Jihyun_

_And Assistant Kang and Hye-Jin_

_I hope that things between us all_

_Will be resolved soon_

_I hope that we can all come to an understanding_

_Hye-Jin,_

_I did not intend to hurt your feelings_

_Goodnight, everyone_

_Elizabeth the 3 rd is sleeping so peacefully_

_I’m inclined to join her_

_Han Jumin has left the chatroom._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, okay. I love Jumin. Don't worry, I'm not hating on him. The drama is for development.


	10. X

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is so long, and so much happens. Buckle up.

I took a long, deep breath, relishing in the feeling of my lungs filling up with cool, sweet air. My ribs pressed up against the smooth sides of my dress, grounding me gently. My shoulders were a little chilled, but that would change soon as the party venue filled up with bodies. I stepped out in my two-inch-heeled black laced booties, the safest bet for having to be functional and fashionable, and held my camera out in front of me anxiously while grasping the strap a bit too tightly. Just around the corner of the hallway was the main party room, no doubt being frantically prepared just an hour before the first guests were set to arrive. I tried to convince myself that this was just a job, nothing more, but it was difficult to ignore the obvious.

My nerves were quivering as I regarded myself in the reflection of a window nearby, listening to the faint and kind commands of Min-Chae and Jaehee in the other room. I could hear Jihyun as well, but the others had yet to arrive. Jaehee likely only preceded Jumin because of her role in the set-up. I ran my index finger and thumb over the natural pleat in my skirt as I watched my image imitate me. My short dark hair was combed neatly, my bangs were drawn to the side by two bobby-pins with an almond blossom decoration, and the dress’ simple lines cut across my rosy skin. I smiled despite the pressure; in this moment, I could admire myself the way I had always intended and always wanted.

The clean and plain outfit was the perfect canvas for the dark ink lines etched into my skin, mapping a set of thin and delicate branches with small white blossoms on the ends. They weaved around my wrists, growing up my forearms and the backs of my hands a bit. More coiled around my ankles and creeped up my calves. Two branches hung under my collarbones and around my shoulders, fully on display thanks to the straight off-the-shoulder neckline of the dress. The scooped back revealed the most complicated stretch of branches and blooms, scattering up my shoulder blades and over part of the back of my neck.

They were already over two years old but still as dark and vibrant as ever. This was it. What I had hid away from prying eyes and nasty comments was finally coming to light, not just in front of my best friend’s found family, but dozens of guests at an elite fundraising event. Not even my coworkers or employers knew, though I wished that things were different. It was so easy to get it done when I spent time in America, but after returning to Korea, I knew that I had to be very careful about my new life. Only in certain small, common circles could I relax and reveal myself as I was. Maybe, once I’d become indispensable to my workplace, I could stop suffering in the summer sun from the need to cover up constantly.

Finding my courage, I rounded the corner, striding into the party room while clutching my camera. This was still work. I had work to do, as I kept reminding myself. Most of the staff Min-Chae and Jaehee had hired on were completely oblivious in their business, so my faithful friend was the first to see me, whirling around in her breathtaking dress to beam at me brightly.

“Hye-Jin! You look amazing! Gorgeous, beautiful, absolutely darling!” she gushed, her nose crinkling with her shining grin. Her soft brown hair was curled and pleated around her neck to rest on her right shoulder, and I immediately thought of a way to frame her face with it in a photo. For now, I grinned right back, blushing under her compliments as my heart swelled with confidence and love for her.

“Too many adjectives,” I pretended to chastise, laughter laced into my voice as I walked up to her. “You look radiant, Min-Chae.”

She sighed and her skin flushed. “How is it that you can make such a simple thing sound so wonderful? Thank you.” We laughed softly together, and I could feel some of the tension in my shoulders dissipate as I wrapped my camera strap around my fingers again. I wasn’t just yet ready to put it around my neck and get to work. Min-Chae placed a hand on my arm with a tender look. “Are you alright? Feeling okay about this?” she asked, eyes wide with concern for me. I nodded, her light giving me a bit more strength. “Alright. Jihyun!” She turned towards her fiancé as she called out to him.

Jihyun was discussing something with Jaehee at the other end of the room as she instructed the staff to arrange the buffet tables just so, but he perked up instantly at the sound of Min-Chae’s voice. It was rather sweet, really, how quickly he reacted and instantly smiled in response. He was wearing a fine double-breasted white vest with matching slacks and a sharply ironed button up that had a faint, almost lace-like pattern in light gray. His cravat was the exact same colour as Min-Chae’s dress, and his minty hair was pulled back with a side part, a few locks tucked behind his ears. As soon as he saw me, the shock was written quite clearly across his face, and I just smiled awkwardly at him.

“Hye-Jin…?” he inquired gently, seeming quite taken aback as he approached us. He looked to Min-Chae, who nodded encouragingly.

“You didn’t tell him,” I observed softly.

Min-Chae shook her head. “I didn’t want to breach your trust.”

Jihyun seemed to sort himself out rather quickly. “That was certainly the right thing to do but…Hye-Jin, I’m astonished.”

I offered a weak shrug, avoiding his gaze briefly. I felt a little small under his tall frame. “Yeah, well…I told you things would change.”

“And yet I only regard you with more respect,” he returned, his gaze soft as he regarded me. I blinked in surprise, squeezing my camera a little tighter. “Min-Chae truly surrounds herself with beautiful human beings.”

I was too fixated to do anything but stare for a few moments, eventually blinking away the moisture collecting in my eyes. “I-I-I can’t tell you what that means to me,” I stammered out, trembling slightly. Min-Chae linked her arm in mine at the elbow, drawing in close for encouragement.

“You’ve got us,” she said, her smiling lips shiny with lip gloss. Her heels were taller than mine, so now we were almost the same height. I straightened a little higher, grinning up at Jihyun, who nodded in affirmation.

Jaehee took notice of the commotion and appeared equally flustered with my appearance. While I admired her slender waist in her fancy dark purple blouse and high-waisted pencil skirt, she watched me with wide-eyes and trailed the markings up my body. Seeing how comfortable the couple was with it, she quickly wrote over her expression to a calm and cool one.

“I’ll admit I’m quite alarmed,” she said to me. “I could never imagine doing such an outrageous thing. But you’re strong and dependable, and I doubt this has anything to do with how you can serve the R.F.A.”

I nodded respectfully to her. “Of course. I’m going to do my absolute best.”

For the first little while, I took shots of the staff and the members present as they worked. Some had a difficult time remaining candid in my presence, but I quickly grew accustomed to feeling leering eyes on me. I doubted that anyone was malicious, but the social taboo of tattooing was strong enough that observing me like a spectacle was inevitable. Luckily, I was quite well versed in making small talk to relax people and finding ways to take shots before anyone noticed.

The next member to arrive was Jumin, apologizing for his tardiness despite still being very early. He blamed it on a small business matter that was easily settled. I heard him speaking with Jihyun and Min-Chae behind me, and then his stern but professional tone with Jaehee. I was turned away while going through my first set of photos on the camera screen when he halted mid-sentence.

“Hye-Jin,” he greeted me, his low voice rumbling quietly as he approached. I stepped out to pivot towards him, glancing up with my dark brown eyes curiously. He was dressed in a luxurious dark blue suit that made me wonder how many cameras it was worth. My anxiety was still lingering, but Min-Chae and Jihyun had restored my confidence. I was sincerely enjoying being completely myself even in such a public setting.

“Jumin, good evening,” I returned with a small smile.

His face was slack with deep thought, but someone like him would never forget his manners. “Yes, good evening. Please excuse my rudeness. I…”

I laughed softly in good nature. “No need to explain. It’s alright. Feel free to stare; I’ve been catching eyes from the staff for fifteen minutes already.”

Jumin split into a very small smirk, but it faded after a moment. “I came with the intention of sincerely apologizing to you for my behaviour in the chatroom.”

“You’re certainly forgiven,” I returned. “Though you were in the wrong, I can gather why you had such a reaction.”

“I think I understand you better as a person,” Jumin continued, revealing just a sliver of emotion that was grateful for my response. “And I now understand why you said what you did. You are the type of person to do untraditional things because you believe in them. You’re right in supposing that you would not make a good wife for me.”

“Pfft, like it had anything to do with you,” I breathed, my voice lilting as I teased him a bit. “Seriously, though, I’m glad. You’re an extraordinary young man, Jumin. Whether or not you marry has little to do with your future accomplishments.”

This time he really did smile. “On that we can agree.”

As the preparations pressed on, I found some fun shots with the ever graceful and proficient pair that was Jaehee and Jumin. I also finally managed to find a way to create a striking composition with Min-Chae, her braid curling around her head and shoulder as she sternly surveyed the last of the food being laid out. I placed her in thirds as she stared off into the rest of the frame, the high glass windows and dark red curtains fuzzy in the background behind her. Perhaps one of my favourites was a photo of Jumin and Jihyun from the back during a conversation, Jihyun’s hand resting on Jumin’s shoulder as he laughed at something his childhood friend said.

The next members to arrive were Zen and Yoosung. The younger man was positively adorable in his colourful button-up and overalls while still remaining formal. Zen was utterly handsome with his black-and-white suit and frilly cravat. It was rather flamboyant but matched him so well. Yoosung’s jaw hit the floor as soon as he saw me, and Zen, while briefly surprised, quickly turned to scold Yoosung for being rude.

“H-Hye-Jin!” Yoosung stammered loudly.

“Hi, Yoosung,” I replied calmly. He couldn’t stop himself from staring at my collarbones and wrists. I twirled around for him to see. “There’s more on my back, you know.”

“I-I-It’s—”

Zen chuckled, grinning from ear-to-ear. “You’re full of surprises, Hye-Jin. I’ve met my fair share of tattooed thugs, but you’re stealing my spotlight with your striking looks.”

I curtsied, feeling smug. “The highest compliment. But I’m sure you’ll be soaking up attention in no time.”

“You’re even cooler than I thought,” Yoosung finally managed meekly.

I shook my head at him. “I’m glad you thought I was cool before finding out about all this, Yoosung.”

They both went to greet the others, leaving me a few meters away from the entrance. Only a few staff remained for serving the guests, and the paparazzi were set to arrive within the next twenty minutes. The last members left to arrive were the one I wanted to see the most, and I cast my gaze down as I fiddled with some settings, attempting to manage my impatience. I couldn’t imagine what Saeyoung’s reaction would be. Not only was it a taboo for most of Korean society, but tattooing was a religious afront to some. Most fellow Christians I’d met in America didn’t seem to mind in the slightest, while others were quite opposed, so it was anyone’s guess how things would pan out. I did my best not to imagine the worst possible outcome: him turning cold and withdrawing away from me. After a few interactions with strangers that recoiled from my appearance, I’d grow cautious.

“So, this is what you meant by ‘promise’,” came a familiar soft tenor voice from behind me. I spun around to see Saeran, his ginger hair combed and parted smartly and dressed in a black button-up with a white suit vest. The tie and accents were bright red, but the brooch clipped to his tie was the colour of that partially green ring in his golden amber eyes. His was looking at me with a small, gentle smile, which I couldn’t help but return. He was correct, of course; my tattoos were of the almond tree and its flowers, which meant ‘promise’. “And here I was hoping you were scarred like me,” he added, rubbing the burn mark on his neck.

My eyebrows met with compassion. “Sorry to disappoint.”

Saeran shook his head, his bangs waving with the action. “Not at all. Somehow I’m not surprised.” When he saw my searching look, he smirked. “He’s right behind me. Had to park the car.” He strode into the room to say hello to the others, leaving me by the entrance.

When carpeted footfalls drew closer around the corner, the hair on the back of my neck stood on end and I held my breath.

“Hye-Jin.”

“Saeyoung.”

He was wearing the glasses I gave him. His hair was parted like Saeran’s, only from the opposite side. Their suits were identical, but his tie brooch was clear amber. My skin warmed as I admired him. He cut such a fine figure in that vest, and his partially combed-back hair was making my joints feel weaker. I’d hardly noticed how shamelessly his gaze raked over my appearance, lingering on the slope of my neck and shoulders. Suddenly all the confidence I’d been gathering the past half hour was thrown out the window. I was completely drained of any pretense or thought—all I could do was regard him as if we were the only two people in the room. It was bare and truthful, and it was one of the best moments of my life.

“I understand this might be a little alarming,” I started, my voice so quiet that I doubted the others would hear even if they were paying attention.

“You’re angelic.” He didn’t even flinch. It was almost like he hadn’t heard a word I said.

My face felt ablaze and my palms started to sweat. Unable to form a reply, my eyes fell to the floor and I paced up to him until we were just a few inches apart. Even in these heels, I was still an inch shorter than him. I tried to adopt a humoured tone. “In black?”

He doubled down, nodding firmly, and looking a little stern, as if to press it into me. I swallowed, completely silenced by his intense gaze. Briefly, his eyes flickered to the others, and, after seeing that they were thoroughly preoccupied, he stepped closer until we were only inches apart. His expression was so gentle, so considerate, that I could have nothing but reverence in that moment. “Are you going to answer that question I asked a while back?”

I blinked out of the trance. “Um. You can’t guess? I’ve been told I’m rather obvious.”

“That’s not an answer.” His voice was so quiet, almost strained.

I sipped in a breath. Despite all my denial, all my insistence that this wasn’t the wise decision, I couldn’t help it. I felt oddly at peace to let him know, even if it meant me having my hopes dashed. But still, I felt the clutch of hesitation. “I promise I’ll tell you.”

His eyes searched my face for any tell, expression tight in a strange sense of desperation. Then, he sighed, pocketing his hands as his gaze fell. “I guess I’ll have to live with that.”

I shrugged, unsure if words were the right response in this moment.

He blinked back at me, perking up with new words forming on his lips before he was interrupted.

“Hye-Jin,” Min-Chae called as she swiftly strode up beside me. “Oh! Saeyoung, don’t you look handsome. Sorry to interrupt, but the press is gathered in the foyer down the hall and I have to make an announcement before we start leading guests in. I thought you’d want to get some shots in.”

Nodding, I followed her out, giving Saeyoung a kind look. “We can chat later.”

He hummed in agreement, watching us go.

As much fun as it was to catch the press on the other end of the lens, my mind was split between the task at hand and my conversation with Saeyoung. I still couldn’t bring myself to say what should’ve been easy. It bothered me that I couldn’t just come out with it while knowing full well that it was likely due to that reflexive stifling of my more intense emotions. All attention was on Min-Chae during her announcements, allow me to keep myself at the sidelines to avoid scrutiny. It was difficult to get shots from such a position, but I didn’t need much. There was still so much more to do throughout the evening.

The press was soon swept up into the storm of the first guests arriving, and I slipped back into the venue as Min-Chae was front-and-center greeting them. I blew out a tense breath, briefly frightened of getting caught and photographed by some nosy brat who wanted nothing more than to inflate scandal. It was a wonder they wanted me here at all, considering the risk of falsely associating me, and by extension, the R.F.A., with crime or delinquency.

Jumin had given me a list of the guests who had prohibited their photo being taken by me, which was fairly short. I double-checked my phone by my camera bag I’d stashed behind a curtain, certain I could keep track of the handful of faces. Straightening again, I strode up next to Zen and Yoosung, bouncing a bit in place. I loved the soft but secure feeling of the red carpet underneath my feet, but my nerves were alight again in anticipation.

Zen chuckled softly at me, his lovely voice smooth and oddly comforting and his eyes squinted with his smile. “Nervous, _jagiya_?”

The cheesy term of familiarity made me smirk in amusement. “It’s going to be hard for me to blend in while I take photos for the first hour.”

Yoosung shot me a reassuring look, his cute face round with a little grin. “Don’t worry, Hye-Jin. You can greet everyone with us, and then they won’t be shocked when you walk around for photos of them.” His brows shot up and he waved his hands out in front of him. “N-Not that it’s shocking. It’s just a little u-unexpected, is all and, well, maybe people from other countries won’t mind, but—”

“Ah, Yoosung, could you be lacking any more tact?” Zen sighed, exasperated.

“It’s alright,” I insisted. My eyes caught on Saeyoung’s gaze from where he was standing nearby with Saeran and Jumin. He quickly turned his head away, but there was a pointed look to him that concerned me.

“Can I ask a question?” Yoosung queried.

“Sure,” I returned.

“Well, um, two questions, actually. How long did it take, and uh, how much did it hurt?”

I considered his questions carefully. It was hard to remember exactly how long, and the memory of pain easily faded. “I had to go in for a few appointments, but my ink is only black, and there’s no shading, so that’s less time. I’d say it was probably over fifteen hours of work. I saved up a lot for that artist. And pain, well…it hurts more in some places than others. The marks on my hands or over bone were particularly harsh to get.”

“Wow,” Zen whistled. “That’s a lot.”

“Not as much as what some people get, actually. This is pretty tame compared to some of the other patrons I met,” I replied. The guests began to stream into the room steadily, so the members straightened up in a relaxed line to welcome them all one by one. “Here goes.”

Most of the guests were Korean, which I’d expected. I did my best to cut through the awkward looks with a warm smile, though it was a bit of a chore. I was certainly happy to be there, but it was hard to pretend to be pleased constantly. Min-Chae had always been better at it than me. Jumin transformed into the most amiable I’d ever seen him, but, like me, it was a professional front. Zen was effortlessly charming in a similar strain as Min-Chae, but Jaehee was not shy to simply look calm rather than consistently happy. Yoosung had a wide-eyed and innocent appeal that made him likable, and Saeran was more one for gentle, quiet smiles and smirks that made most of the young woman bat an eye. Saeyoung had fit himself back into his energized and playful persona, though he did seem to be genuinely enjoying it. I eyed him as he began to circulate, often with either Yoosung or Saeran, chatting up the guests he was familiar with an expressive tenor tone.

To most of the guests, I had put myself out there to introduce myself as the official R.F.A. photographer and explain that I would be circulating only for the first hour to take promotional photos. Almost all of them were courteous, offering me back a short bow out of respect, though the lingering eyes were inevitable. A few verbally remarked on my appearance, but usually it was a brief question or even the occasional compliment. I was relieved by how positive the atmosphere was, and I’d managed over a dozen of lovely shots before anything uncomfortable occurred.

I went to introduce myself to an older businessman who was discussing something lofty with Jumin. I waited for a natural pause in their conversation so that I wouldn’t interrupt them and gave a longer bow to the elder. Luckily, Jumin was quick to pick up on my intentions.

“Mr. Goh allow me to introduce our newest member. Moon Hye-Jin,” he said formally.

“It is a pleasure,” I followed up, straightening to regard him. “Your contributions to the arts department at SKY university are one of your many acts of philanthropy I sincerely admire.” Jumin seemed somewhat surprised, and I supposed that he did not expect me to research the guests before attending. Mr. Goh did not even offer me an acknowledging nod, instead just staring rather sharply at my marked shoulders and wrists. Still, I pressed on. “Mr. Han has informed me of your desire to remain unphotographed during the evening. I wanted to reassure you that I have every intention of honouring that promise.”

The older man’s brows rose a bit, his forehead wrinkling a bit. “Well…you really cannot judge a book by its cover, can you?” He chuckled quietly, giving Jumin a look. The younger gentleman offered a polite expression but did not laugh with him. “Perhaps not the wisest move, allowing her to be part of your organization. If anyone catches her like that, it’ll be quite the scandal.”

It was like I wasn’t even there. He did know I could hear him, didn’t he? I set my jaw and remained as composed as possible. Jumin swirled the wine glass he had in his hand, a graceful and refined gesture. “I believe you misunderstand. The admittance of new members is not my decision to make. That responsibility falls to our lovely coordinator and Kim Jihyun.”

The man hummed in thought. “Mm, and just after the famous V hangs up his camera comes this…memorable replacement.”

Jumin opened his mouth to respond, but I cut him off with a smile. “I’m so glad to have made an impression! But, please excuse me. I have much work to do.”

With a curt bow, I spun around and walked off, my eyes immediately gravitating towards Saeyoung. He was standing by the open bar with Yoosung, looking incredibly mischievous as he chatted with his younger friend. Yoosung looked flustered as they had an exchange, and then threw back a shot, prompting a loud cackle from the red head. In the noise of the crowd, it wasn’t overly noticeable, but it was enough to prompt Saeran to walk over especially for the sake of cuffing his older twin on the back of the head. 

Saeyoung caught me staring, and I swiftly brought up my camera to pretend to be looking over my new photos, my face burning a bit. It was easy to get lost in the task of finding interesting compositions, but it was just as easy to pick him out in the crowd as I surveyed the little pods of conversations. Min-Chae and Jihyun were practically joined at the hip, but they always had a new gathering around them every time I looked. They looked so relaxed and happy together, I had to permit some envy.

“—perhaps my friend Hye-Jin can shed some light on—” came a broken sentence from Zen as he gently herded me towards the gaggle of young women following him around. He looked a little desperate, so I allowed him to lead me over with his arm hovering behind my shoulders until I’d joined their little circle. There were three of them, all quite pretty and cheerful with their sing-song voices.

“Photo questions?” I inquired, shooting him an incredulous look.

All three of them blinked at me with wide eyes. “So many tattoos!” one gasped, seeming more fascinated than taken aback.

“The flowers are so pretty!”

“I’ve never seen a girl with tattoos, and never such pretty ones,” the last cooed, reaching out a little before stopping herself. She peered up at me with big chocolate eyes. “Can I…?” I held out my hand to her. From the corner of my eye, Zen looked relieved that he was no longer the one being mooned over. She was very gentle and apprehensive as she pressed the pad of her fingers along one of the lines of ink on my wrist. “It’s smooth!” she observed aloud.

“Sure,” I replied, a little disordered by the odd type of attention. “The ink is trapped between a couple layers of skin. It’s like how a picture has glass in front of the photo.”

“That makes sense,” hushed one of the others.

“Uh…did you all have a question for me?”

They almost seemed to pause in unison. “Oh right! We wanted to know how to take good photos of Zen on stage for our blog!”

“Ah,” I said, relieved at the change in topic. Then I glanced at Zen. “Your performances allow photography?”

He shrugged. “Sometimes, I guess.”

“Well,” I continued, drawing out the vowel a little, “I suggest trying to get a seat as close to the front and as far to one side as you can. That way you can catch a bit of the stage light with the dark in the background from a sideways angle. Then time your shots so that Zen is in the rule of thirds. You want him to be mostly in one third of your frame. If he has more space in front of him, it will look more open, and if his back is to most of the empty space, it will look more tense for emotional scenes. Remember to keep your elbows in when you take shots and take lots of them—you can always pick your favourites when you get home.”

The whole time I explained, they enthusiastically soaked in the advice with aggressive nods. “Thanks so much, tattoo-girl!”

“My name’s Hye-Jin—”

“There you have it,” Zen exclaimed, laughing artificially. “Now, I’m not the only good-looking guy around. There are some actors here who could use some more publicity that you three can provide. Maybe you’ll find a diamond in the rough.”

“You’re so kind and supportive to your fellow actors, Zen,” one of them gushed. “He’s right, let’s go!”

I watched in utter bewilderment as they scampered off, giggling to each other, until we were left alone. “Well that was—”

My nerves tingled harshly as someone threw their arms over both our shoulders, basically relying on us to hold them up with how they leaned in. “Haaaa~ the price of stardom!” Of course, it was Saeyoung, his voice high and breathy with his twisted delight. “Y’know, I used to have my own fangirls from the hacking world back in the day.”

“Dude, buzz off,” Zen grumbled quietly, shrugging him off and straightening his suit jacket. “As much as I like the attention from fans, I want to talk to other people.”

I didn’t try to avoid Saeyoung’s touch, but his arm naturally fell off me as he was displaced by Zen. My face felt warm, and I recognized that familiar scent of cedarwood. “He practically dragged me over here to bail him out,” I teased, lifting my camera from its sling around my neck to set out again. Then I caught a glimpse of Yoosung walking over. His stride had an odd wobble to it, and I leaned closer to Saeyoung to mutter, “Did you get him drunk?”

Saeyoung shrugged and split a Cheshire grin. “I dunno. It’s not my fault that kid’s such a lightweight.”

“This must be the third party in a row you’ve done this,” Zen groaned, stalking off to grab Yoosung by the shoulders and turn him right around. “No, no, no, big guy. You’re coming with me to get some food.”

“Vicarious drinking?” I asked Saeyoung as they left. I half expected Zen to throw Yoosung over his shoulder to get him over to the ouer d’oeuvres.

“Less vicarious drinking and more I enjoy seeing Yoosung a little tipsy,” he mused. “I didn’t even force him, he’s just easy to tease.” Saeyoung looked at me carefully for a moment with a genial, mellow sort of expression. “No drinking on the job for you, huh?”

“I don’t drink,” I replied, shifting my weight to one hip towards him. We were closer than would be socially acceptable for most, but I felt extremely at home. “The last time I had a glass of liquor, I nearly passed out. I was redder than a lobster.” The memory was amusing now, despite the dire circumstances around them. “I don’t think I’d have much of a reason to drink, anyway. Not much for college parties.”

Saeyoung pulled a face that pursed his lips slightly with his smile. “What?! I thought you’d be an absolute party animal,” he poked fun.

I snickered. “Oh yeah, a complete riot.” I quirked a brow at him. “What about you, Saeyoung? Did you go to parties during school?”

“Ha, yeah, a few. I went to school in America for a couple years, but I was too young to drink—I wouldn’t have anyway. While it was fun to be the sober one but have an excuse to goof off, I dunno, I…got tired of it.”

I offered him a tiny kind smile, nudging him by his elbow. “I’ve always been more of a stay-at-home-and-read kind of person. Or funny YooToobe videos.”

“You’re a homebody like Saeran, huh?”

“You’re a homebody too, as far as I can tell.”

“Old habits,” he supposed, tilting his head. “But…since Saeran is there, I have the best reason to be a homebody.”

“I don’t think I’ve ever had a place that truly felt like home. Home has always been a person for me. My mom, then Min-Chae.”

Saeyoung gave me a sideways look from behind his glasses, wide-eyed and observant, and I fidgeted a little under his gaze. “And now?”

I stared at him, my look and smile telling. I knew that he knew that we would talk about it later. “Well, I should get back to it. There’s a group of programmers over there who would like to meet the infamous ‘707EXTREME’.”

He crouched down suddenly, trying to hide behind me. “Oh no, I’ve been found! Save me, Hye-Jin!”

I just walked off, grinning at him. “I have no doubt in my mind that you’re too clever to let them out-fox you, Saeyoung.”

The next half hour of the evening passed by without incident for me, and soon I’d packed my camera away in order to circulate and socialize. There were a fair number of fellow artists with connections to Jihyun who had taken an interest in speaking to me, and it was easily the most refreshing part of the evening aside from speaking to the members themselves. I wasn’t sure if I was getting used to the eyes on me or if people were getting used to seeing me, but I was significantly more relaxed as time went on. In fact, though I remained relatively emotionally subdued in order to conserve my social energy, I felt very free to express myself with a greater range.

Eventually, I’d begun to run out of steam, and, finding Saeran by himself at the edge of the venue, decided to join his wallflower efforts. Sitting on the windowsill away from most eyes, he rested his head against the pane, arms crossed but not tense. He seemed partially out of it, but when I approached, met my gaze with a fatigued look.

“How are you holding up?” I asked softly, taking a seat behind him. It was a little chilly beside the glass, but with how warm the room got with bodies, I welcomed it.

“Hm,” was his only response, almost sounding sleepy.

“Yeah, me too,” I agreed. “You want to be by yourself?”

He shook his head, not moving from the spot where he was leaning it. “Nah. You’re less draining.”

“Does that mean you like me?” I taunted.

Saeran gave a weak smirk. “Basically.” His eyes slid over to look at me, but I was still watching the crowd blindly. “Did you talk to him yet?”

My cheeks warmed and I shrugged. “Sure, I’ve talked to him plenty.”

“You know what I mean.”

I sighed quietly, throwing my head up to look at the ceiling. “I keep putting it off.”

He yawned. “You don’t say.”

“It’ll happen tonight. I promised him that.”

“And you take promises seriously, don’t you?”

I nodded solemnly. “Almond blossoms are my favourite.” After a short pause, I turned my head back to him. “How have you been feeling? With…y’know.” I gestured vaguely, but my eyes moved in the direction of where Min-Chae was chatting with guests, Jihyun’s arm around her waist.

Saeran’s face changed, looking a little more dejected, but he remained very calm. “It doesn’t physically hurt to see them together anymore. I used to have this weird tugging in my chest—a reminder that everyone I wanted to love ended up leaving me—but I know that’s not true. I didn’t really love her, and she was never under any obligation to cater to my obsession.”

“You weren’t completely responsible for your actions, from what I can gather,” I returned, my brows meeting in compassion for him.

“That’s the weird part—even though I know that to be true, from my perspective, I _was_ completely in control of myself. Though, good portions of it are an odd blur,” he admitted.

We watched them from a distance. He, Min-Chae, and me, Saeyoung. “All we have is forward.”

“Right,” he said. “So, who in their right mind would resist a perfectly good thing right in front of them?” He leered at me pointedly. It was an intense look, the kind that made me whither a little. Maybe that’s what he was going for. “Perhaps someone who is just as emotionally constipated as my brother.”

I tried not to laugh, knowing he was being dead serious. “Maybe so.” He didn’t look satisfied. “I’m working on it.”

“Don’t worry, if he rejects you, I’ll kick his ass.”

I smiled fondly at the memory. “Just like you did when I first met you?”

He nodded, breaking into his own grin. “Yup, just like that, but moreso.”

“You know…I think I had begun to like him from that moment.”

He scoffed. “Of course. That’s how attraction works.”

Saeyoung seemed like he was looking around for someone, finding Saeran after a few moments and pacing over with purpose. He appeared concerned and marched towards us with a sense of purpose that I couldn’t help but admire. I liked his little smirks and strange faces, but it was the serious expressions that I’d really come to love.

“Saeran…are you alright?” he asked, giving me a little glance.

Saeran shrugged nonchalantly but smiled at him. “Just recharging my batteries, _hyeong._ ”

“But you’ll tell me if you’re upset? We can leave whenever you want,” Saeyoung insisted.

“I’m fine,” Saeran pressed. “Besides, I can tell you’re having a good time. That’s enough for me.”

“I don’t matter right now—”

“Yes, you do, Saeyoung,” I interjected quickly, already sensing what Saeran was going to say. The younger twin stared at me in surprise, and the older gave me a dangerous look. It wasn’t really my place to say anything, but I did anyway, holding his gaze sternly as my heart grew stout with determination.

“She’s right,” Saeran added. “Hye-Jin’s a wise person. If a little dense about herself.”

“Hey,” I pouted humorously.

Saeyoung watched our exchange, seemingly very interested in how Saeran and I got along. Saeran lifted out of his seat and stretched his arms above his head. “Bathroom break. Keep her company for me? That’ll help you enjoy this party even more, won’t it?”

“ _Saeran,”_ Saeyoung muttered lowly, his tone inflexed in a manner I didn’t really understand. Saeran ignored him, walking off to leave the room for the restrooms down the hall.

Saeyoung followed him with his eyes, only replacing him next to me once Saeran had left completely. For a few moments, we said nothing to each other, just watching the guests and members mingle frivolously for a while. I eyed him carefully, noticing how he was leaning up against the side of the sill with his knee bouncing up and down. He was stubbornly staring forward at nothing in particular and likely chewing on the inside of his cheek, but I just traced the line of his jaw for a moment, perhaps just as tense as him.

“Maybe I’ll just go out and roll around in the snow,” I sighed, not really sure how else to break the silence. “I don’t really feel like I belong here.”

“You belong with the R.F.A.,” he said, his voice soft and quiet. It reminded me of the tone he had when we were in church together. “You belong to our family.”

I wanted to smile, but for some reason, my body wouldn’t let me. “This family…gave me that chance to…just exist. I don’t have to cover up anymore.”

“Why _did_ you mark your body like that?” Saeyoung asked, turning his body inwards and towards me.

I did the same, like we were about to share a secret. We were well off from earshot of anybody in the venue, and a good portion likely wouldn’t even notice us at all. “Do you dislike it?”

“Does it matter what I think?”

I considered that. “In principle, no, but because it’s you, yes.” He didn’t respond, only waited for me to continue. “It was a difficult decision to make. I knew that if did this, making a life here would be hard and I’d have to cover up most of the time. I wanted it so bad. After years of living under the boot of someone who told me I’d never amount to anything and that my passion for art was a useless interest…I wanted to make my body a work of art.”

“Even if you have to hide it?” he added.

“Even then,” I confirmed. “Maybe someday, when I’m sure I won’t be kicked out of my office, I could show a bit more, but…that was never the point. It was for me. Knowing that it’s there, seeing it in the mirror everyday reminds me why I’m doing what I’m doing and why I went through the pain of leaving part of my family behind. I will try to find new perspectives as long as I live. Art, the fallibility of humanity, the beauty of forgiveness, the strength of learning—it’s all part of the great story. If my body is a temple, why wouldn’t I want to decorate it?” I paused, mulling it over in my mind. “Or maybe it was just a very elaborate form of youthful rebellion. Who knows?”

Saeyoung offered a wry grin that quickly faded back into a soft, serious expression. “I don’t think so.”

I straightened my back and neck, facing myself towards him as much as possible. “I owe you a talk.”

He blinked slow, his eyes shifting away and then back again in thought. It was somewhat cat-like, but still completely him. “You don’t owe me anything.”

“But I promised I’d tell you,” I insisted, furrowing my brow a little. “Despite how it may have looked in the chatroom: no, I do not have romantic feelings for Jumin. He was protective because he is fond of me, but we’ve already sorted it out.”

This time, Saeyoung blinked rapidly and in quick succession, clearly taken aback. “No kidding?”

I shook my head.

He suddenly looked rather guilty. “I was ready to tear his head off…” he murmured, leaning forward on his knees and rubbing his hands together. “I can’t believe he thought I’d—”

“I think it was more a reflex on his part. He did apologize to me,” I relayed. “Though, I should have convinced him to apologize you, too.”

Saeyoung rolled his eyes, not at me, and sighed. “Whatever. Life goes on,” he breathed wistfully.

My eyes narrowed. “I’ve learned some things about you,” I told him, standing up to grab my phone from my camera bag and opening my gallery of saved photos. He watched me as I scrolled down for a bit while standing in front of him, finally handing it off and returning to sit even closer to him. His gaze was intense as his thumb flicked across the screen, taking in each and every picture slowly. They were all snapshots I had taken of him over the course of our friendship, particularly recently, and usually in the twins’ home. Most were taken when he didn’t even notice. They all showed him in a manner he didn’t know he had. One was from above, taken from standing on the couch, where he was surrounded by his robotics work on the living room floor. Another was him leaning against Saeran, passed out while watching a movie after working himself to fatigue. The next, he was mid-laugh, and it was the kind of laugh that was unexpected and almost ugly with amusement. The last was him working at his computer, looking positively pissed-off about something on the screen.

“I know there’s more to you than you let the others know,” I said quietly, still leaning in even when he turned his head to look at me. His eyes were so clear and gold in this moment, wide and bright behind the thin gold frames of his new glasses. “You conceal things from your own twin. I know that you’re actually a lot angrier at the world than you let on. I know that you don’t think you’re enough, which is why you oscillate between avoiding work and running yourself ragged. That, and a decent dose of ADHD, likely. I know that you make your pain light and you go out of your way to tiptoe around Saeran’s feelings, as if your own trauma means nothing. I also know that you’re afraid of opening up, just like me.” I smiled in a small, careful sort of way, and his mouth parted slightly as his brows rose further. “But I’m willing to go out on a limb for you, Saeyoung. The possibility of happiness with you is worth the risk of it all falling apart.”

Saeyoung’s expression transitioned from shock to broken tenderness. “Hye-Jin, you don’t want—”

“Don’t tell me what I want, Saeyoung.” My voice was still quiet, but my tone was stern.

His brows met with concern and inner conflict. “But—no—you don’t know who I’ve been—what I’ve done—”

My chest ached from the tremble in his voice. “But I know who you are now, and I want to learn more—more than I’ve ever wanted to know anyone.” Stepping between his knees to inch closer, I delicately clasped his head with my hands, my thumbs on either side of his face just under the temples of his glasses, my palms against his neck, and my fingers threading into the ginger hair behind his ears. I stared down at him with purpose, and once again I found myself with my heart completely split open in front of him. “I adore you, Saeyoung. And I _will_ choose to love you if you’ll allow me.”

A sound came out of Saeyoung’s agape mouth that I could only describe as a strange croak, but he didn’t pull away or push my hands off. Instead, he reached up to hold my hands against him, his long slender fingers curling around my wrists a bit and sending a chill right through me. He closed his eyes and breathed deeply through his nose as if he were taking a moment to pray. It wouldn’t be completely out of character for him.

Finally, he peered up at me with such a serene but still playful smile, making my heart skip a beat. He gripped my wrists more firmly and leaned his head into my right hand. “I should make you wait for a response for as long as you made me.”

I let out a breath of a laugh, my skin cooling somewhat after the heat that blossomed under it during my confession. “I’m sorry about that. I wasn’t ready yet.”

“I just had to hear it from you,” he whispered, so soft I nearly didn’t catch it. I watched his throat shift as he swallowed drily. “I suspected, but I…I told you there was once a time in my life when relationships were impossible. I was prepared to cut off ties with the R.F.A. every day.”

I nodded in understanding. “Mentalities like that don’t magically disappear, do they?”

Saeyoung’s eyes fell to the floor briefly as he shook his head, his skin shifting against mine with the gesture. “Are you certain?”

“Stop asking that,” I said instinctively, revising myself quickly. “You know what? Ask it as many times as you like. My answer will be yes.”

He gripped my right hand to slide the heel of my palm towards his mouth and planted a light kiss against one of the dark lines of ink cutting across my inner wrist. I clenched my jaw, my knees growing weak at the sensation. “I knew you’d be special to me the moment I met you,” he confessed. “I just didn’t know how.”

“Well then,” I grinned at him, “let’s find out.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wowzah. Four more to go.


	11. XI

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Get ready for some hardcore fluff.

My mother’s home was peaceful and clean. She’d forgone city life in favour of gardening and her modest teaching career at a rural grade school. The house itself was cottage-like: an old, European-inspired gray stone structure that was more maintenance than it appeared. It had a mean draft in the winter, but with its manageable size and a cozy woodstove, we were comfortable and well-fed. Nothing was better than taking time off to laugh and cook together.

It was Lunar New Year, and local celebrations were in full swing. We’d participated in some of the traditions, but most of our time was spent slaving over hot stoves for our own benefit, along with some of the stray cats Mom had befriended. Her boyfriend, Seo-Jun, was spending a few days with his parents about a half-hour’s drive away but promised to return soon. He was so good-natured and calm—someone I could sincerely appreciate and who I could trust to really have my mother’s best interests at heart. In fact, he reminded me quite a lot of Jaehee, minus the crippling fear of society’s expectations.

I was humming softly to myself as I fished the teabag out from a dark green ceramic teapot and planted two blobs of honey into a couple of mugs for us. Everything was warm and good in that moment with the smell of freshly cooked food waiting for us to dig in for lunch and the bright late-winter light streaming in from the clear glass and wooden panes of the kitchen window. Mom had collected some bags of seeds to plant in the coming spring on the windowsill, all lined up in a particular order and marked in her neat and flourished hand.

I breathed in deeply as my mouth naturally curved into a smile at the memory of Saeyoung after the party. It had been a few weeks since I’d last seen him, though we’d been texting every day, but I still recalled it perfectly. We’d escaped the schmoozing guests and avoided the notice of the other members to step outside for some fresh air. It was cold and lightly flurrying, but we kept warm for a few minutes with cheerful banter and singing laughter. When I caught a chill from my exposed shoulders, he easily embraced me, his face brighter than I’d ever seen it as we spoke quietly with our noses almost touching.

“What are you smiling about, Hye-Jin _-a_?” my mother asked, her voice lilting with a teasing inflexion.

I glanced up, my smile disappearing in my surprise, but quickly returning as I processed what she said. Her eyes were alight with her grin, and my face grew warm. “Oh, it’s…” I trailed off, keeping myself busy with fixing our tea as I considered what to tell her. Perhaps she deserved to know. Maybe I just wanted to tell her. “I’ve fallen in love, _eomma_.”

Her grin grew wider. “Thought so!”

“You knew,” I sighed, a little exasperated. “Am I so easy to read?”

“Maybe to me,” she mused. “But you’ve never been good at hiding emotions you’re not used to. Everything else, you’re all stony-faced.”

“Hm,” I responded in thought, placing our mugs on the table so we could sit across from each other and begin.

She said grace, but after a few bites she began to shake with silent laughter.

“What?” I asked, mouth half-full and eyes wide in bewilderment.

“Aren’t you going to tell me about this mysterious person?” she queried, tying back her long salt-and-pepper hair before continuing to eat.

I pretended the mull it over, smiling again. “Mm, I suppose I could.” I wasn’t exactly sure where to begin, though. “He’s one of the members of that charity organization Min-Chae runs. The one that she recently made me a part of. Right now, he works as a computer programmer at the head of an intelligence unit, but he’s also a brilliant inventor and robotics engineer in his spare time. He’s the elder of identical twins, fiercely protective of his brother, and a very charismatic, playful sort of person. Though, sort of strange and definitely an acquired taste for some. He uses his sense of humour to mask his negative emotions…but underneath he’s really quite sensitive and sincere. Our friendship started out sort of unsteadily since he’s quite perceptive and we very quickly cut through each other.”

“But that’s a wonderful start,” she interjected. “You’ll let me be an annoying mom for a moment?”

I nodded.

“You and I both know that how a person is when they are angry is an important tell,” she said, making me slightly tense.

“He’s…” I started, unsure of how to articulate it. “He’s never directed his anger _at_ me. We’d bickered because we plucked a nerve in each other, but I’ve never felt like he was specifically angry with me. We just…talked it out. Apologized. All I can ever think about in those moments is how I can be there for him. I imagine he feels the same.”

She let out a breath through her nose, seeming relieved. “I’m glad. I hope it continues to go well.”

“Oh, and he’s a Catholic,” I added quickly.

Her brows rose. “Well, I can’t pretend to not be pleased. It’s good you’ll have some philosophies in common. Supposing he’s not overly strict.”

I shook my head. “No, he’s not. We both have a respect for cultural traditions, though. Perhaps Catholicism is a bit more permitting to that than other denominations.

Mother tilted her head in thought. “I suppose so.” She took a moment to sip the tea, her face changing pleasantly at its flavour. “Well, I’d love to meet him, but no pressure. I’m sure you’re both still getting used to each other.”

My fingers wrapped around my own warm mug as I shrugged a little. “We started off as friends—I knew that I found him attractive, but I didn’t really allow myself the possibility of a relationship until recently. In that sense, it is very new.”

“I’m glad you’ve started to open up. Not just in this way. You and Min-Chae were so similarly hurt and careful, and now…you’ve got some real friends. The kind that last a lifetime, from what I’ve heard.”

I eyed her for a second, hearing the melancholy in her tone and recognizing that particular expression. “Have you spoken to Su-Jin?”

She sighed, stared at her food, and took another bite. I waited patiently for her to finish chewing before she continued. “I have. She’s doing well in Vancouver with her husband and working some office job.” She hesitated. “When I had a call with her, she mentioned your father for the first time.”

I reflexively clenched my jaw, his face still an angry picture in my mind. I had very few pleasant memories of him, and those that were there were far overshadowed by the negative ones.

“I think she’s healing in her own way.”

“Yeah,” I said flatly, “all by herself, apparently.”

My mother grimaced, though it was slightly sympathetic. “You can’t blame her for processing this in her own way. You were like black and white, even as a child. You’d be icy to protect yourself and then run hot with a temper and lash out when threatened. Your sister always turned into a fawn, like me. It’s why your father liked her; she was pliable and avoided conflict. She just needed to run away to protect herself.” She looked down-trodden. Mom was admirably strong, but she had her moments of deep regret. “I only wish that I’d gotten you girls out from under his boot sooner.”

“You had a lot going on,” I soothed. “It’s his fault for not treating us properly.”

“Yes…yes, you’re right.”

Reaching across the table, I threaded my fingers with hers, joining our free hands for a moment. I looked into her bright brown eyes, a trait we shared, and smiled. “It all worked out in the end.”

She hummed, appearing a bit happier. “Yes, my darling girls are safe and sound. God does provide.”

“I always considered Them my other true parent,” I said, my smile lingering at the thought.

Later that evening, I received a text from Saeyoung. He sent me a picture of him and Saeran sitting on the couch with a movie on (I needed to teach him proper technique with a phone camera) and the caption, ‘ _We miss you’._ I grinned, earning a look from my mom, before I sent one back of me with my big sweater pulled up over my nose and Mom’s gray striped tabby curled in my lap. ‘ _I miss you too’_ , I said. Naturally, Saeyoung went bananas over the cat, especially after I told him that her name was Mittens. It was a pretty standard cat name in English, but for some reason he thought it was the best thing in the world.

As I got ready for bed, our conversation continued, but slowly Saeyoung became less goofy, and I knew he was alone again. Saeran was naturally an early bird, despite years of being forced into a strange and stressed schedule that destroyed his circadian rhythm. Saeyoung, on the other hand, was thoroughly a night owl. I knew that he was more pensive by himself at night after Saeran had gone to bed.

_The Big Dipper is very clear tonight,_ I mentioned, leaning into the window in the guest room of my mother’s home.

_I've got a pretty gud telescope that can see the nebulas in Orion. It’s too cold rn tho and the city is too bright_

_We should stargaze outside the city when it warms up again._

_I’d love to do that with you._

I grinned, my face warming at the notion. _Maybe we could do it soon. Good excuse to huddle up with a blanket._

_:3_

Before I tucked myself in, I snapped a photo of myself pointing at the Gemini constellation. In the countryside and the cold, crystalline air, it was very bright and clear to see. _Found you,_ I typed.

_Of course u did, Starlight Soldier ;)_

_Goodnight, Saeyoung. I hope you dream well._

_Night Hye-Jin. Hurry and come back, okay?_

_I’ll be back before you know it._

A couple of days before I was back to work, I rode the bus to the twins’ place. I had texted Saeran to make sure they’d be there, but requested he keep it secret from Saeyoung. I wasn’t entirely sure why, but I wanted to see his unadulterated reaction to my arrival after being separated for what felt like months. I’d made more of an effort into my appearance than I had since the party, managing to tame my hair into a reasonably decent style and wearing one of my nicest weaved turtlenecks.

Saeran very quietly let me in, I gently removed my shoes in the hallway, and there was Saeyoung, sitting at the booth counter of their kitchen and scrolling on his phone as something simmered away on the stove. It was likely Saeran’s concoction, given the lovely aroma. Saeyoung was in black jeans and a dark red pullover hoodie. Despite the simple attire, his slender figure was just as striking to me, nonetheless. Maybe it was a matter of rose-coloured glasses, but now that our feelings were out in the open, I couldn’t help but unashamedly admire him with little guilt.

His eyes grew wide and bright behind the frames of his new glasses as he noticed me standing there and Saeran made a clever exit up the stairs, saying he needed to grab something in his office. I smiled softly at Saeyoung, the gesture turning into a bright grin as he immediately got out of his seat. I cocked my head to the side a bit, lacing my fingers together.

“What are you doing here?” Saeyoung said quietly as he grew closer. He seemed strangely shy, adverting his eyes, and rubbing the back of his neck once.

I tilted my chin down slightly, my eyes widening as I looked up at him intently. My heart was far faster than it should have been in such a seemingly normal situation, but I tried to stay relaxed despite the heat of my skin. “It’s movie night.”

Saeyoung seemed vaguely amused, but with far more on his mind as his shoulders shook once with a small chuckle. I felt vindicated by the tiny smirk and the shiny-eyed look he gave me. “Movie night, right. I almost forgot.”

I let out a breath of a laugh. “Liar,” I accused fondly, striding up to thread my arms along his torso and hug him around the waist. Tilting my head to press my cheek into his shoulder, I resisted the urge to sigh when he reciprocated, wrapping one arm around my ribs and the other around my shoulders to cradle my head. It was apprehensive, like he was afraid I would shatter right there in front of him.

“I missed you,” he muttered lowly, barely betraying an ounce of emotion or strain.

My mouth quirked up at the corners a little, and I felt that familiar building warmth again. “I wasn’t gone that long.”

“But after everything that happened,” his chest vibrated with his voice despite the gentle volume, “it felt so long…You’re really an expert at making me wait around for you, huh?”

I gripped a pinch of fabric from the back of his hoodie. “I should be more careful…you’re not to be taken for granted.”

Saeyoung drew back to look at me, his hands sliding down to link behind my back and frame me with his limbs. His expression was heart-achingly tender, and I knew that silly, cocky mask of his had completely melted away in that moment. Right now, it was just him, open, raw, and waiting. My eyes traced a scattering of freckles across his nose, something becoming a favoured pastime. “I can’t help but wait for you, now,” he said.

I pulled my arms up between us to run my palms up his neck and clasp his head between them, craning my neck to look at him properly and rubbing a thumb against the smooth skin on his cheek just behind his lenses. “Then I’ll be sure not to leave you wanting,” I replied softly, my heart swelling at this close moment. It was a mixture of thrilling fear and utter delight and celebration; I wasn’t sure I should be terrified at how vulnerable I was or unendingly pleased that I could finally have this with someone. Not just someone—with Saeyoung. I pulled him closer and pushed up on my toes until our noses were touching just like the night of the party when we had slipped away to talk. “Stop me if you don’t want this.”

“Don’t you dare,” he retorted sternly, a glint of amusement in the way his eyes smiled ever so slightly.

I had kissed someone before, but it was mostly awkward, inexperienced experimentation. This had a similar naïve quality but was entirely earnest and was filled with nothing but the perfect exchange between us. At first, it was so soft that I wasn’t sure I felt it properly, but when we pulled back for a small breath, I realized what sensation was missing, and went in for more. The second time, I tilted my head further and pressed in deeper, only splitting my lips apart a sliver. It likely transpired faster than how we perceived it, and the reality of the room around us came back into focus when I returned to stand fully on the flats of my feet, still peering up at him.

Saeyoung looked starstruck. It was rather flattering, really. He eyes were half lidded but his brows were high, giving me a relaxed but transfixed expression. I expect I looked much the same, and, judging by the way my blood burned under the skin of my face, I likely had a wild blush.

“Was that your first kiss?” I asked him.

He looked embarrassed, darting his eyes away for a moment, but nodded slowly. There was something about that mannerism that distinctly reminded me of his twin.

Another wave of loving warmth blossomed in my chest, and I returned to briefly press another kiss into the corner of his mouth. He leaned into the action, clearly grasping for more. Even as we stood there, he had pulled me tight and flush against him, our stomachs rising and falling with the slow, deep breaths we shared. “I’m honoured,” I told him.

For a moment, neither of us said anything, just staring, until I couldn’t handle the pressure of the joy bubbling up. I laughed heartily, my eyes screwing shut from my grin as a rippling giggle spilled out of my mouth without restraint. I hugged him again, squeezing a little. He simply hummed, but it was a happy sound, and tucked his head against the bend of my shoulder and neck.

I heard a loud, exaggerated yawn emit from the stairwell, and turned to find Saeran leaning up against the wall by the kitchen, a fluffy blanket wrapped around his shoulders. That must have been what he was going up to grab. “Not that this isn’t positively cavity inducing,” he started through the yawn, rubbing his slender fingers into his forehead, “but I’d like to get to the movie portion of movie night. And hands to yourself on the couch, you two.”

Saeyoung and I reluctantly broke apart, our hands lingering on the last bit of contact. “Can I make a cup of tea?”

“’Course,” Saeran returned with a tiny smile. “I was even keeping dinner warm for you, if you wanted.”

“You’re so kind, Saeran,” I returned, heading deeper into the kitchen as Saeyoung dragged his feet towards the living room. I felt especially soft and gentle around every edge in that moment, my voice coming out in a smooth, breathy tone that I only used to acquire after crying. It was an entirely different framework, now.

“ _Hyeong_ ,” Saeran muttered quietly, capturing Saeyoung’s attention as he also moved towards the couch. I paused after setting their kettle on the stovetop and flipping the element on, watching intently as the brother exchanged words through only glances and lingering looks. After a few expectant heartbeats, Saeran pulled him into an embrace, which Saeyoung accepted in astonishment. “I’m happy for you. I really am.”

I stared at the kettle, my eyes moistening as I crossed my arms over my chest and gave them the privacy they deserved.

“Saeran _-a_ ,” Saeyoung replied, his voice cracking ever so slightly and making my heart clench.

Saeran moved to get settled on the couch and set up the movie, leaving Saeyoung to return to monitoring the chatroom activity. Soon, he was back to narrating to us and laughing about teasing Yoosung or the petty arguments between Zen and Jumin. What started out as something emotionally heavy turned light and familiar again, and I couldn’t be happier than how regular it all was. I was back to just being with them like we were all just friends, only with the added context that Saeyoung reciprocated those feelings I tried so hard to stuff down. Or, maybe I didn’t try that hard. Maybe I didn’t want to in the first place.

This time the film was a little bit lighter, though still aesthetically a wonderful choice. Saeran seemed to go for the most attractive films first, since he had so many he needed to catch up on from throughout his childhood. All the three of us enjoyed shouting little quips at the screen, harrowing the events or the characters in good humour, though by far it was mostly me making sarcastic or wry comments and Saeyoung bouncing off of them with delightful nonsense. There was a whimsy to this film that he seemed to absolutely love, and I made note of the style for the future.

As Saeyoung drove me home, I checked in with the other in the chatroom. It was only Jaehee and Min-Chae, discussing recent events and the success of the party’s fundraising. Jaehee praised my artistic ability with the photos I produced from that night, and Min-Chae was already excited to put them up on the new website she was making with the twins’ help. Jaehee mentioned, in a somewhat off-handed manner, how Saeyoung and I seemed to disappear later in that evening. Min-Chae was also mischievously curious about what had happened, which was amusing, since I’d already told her. She was poking me to admit it to everyone.

“What do you think?” I asked Saeyoung after I narrated to him. I admired the pale skin of his exposed forearms as he turned a corner, him having rolled up his sleeves earlier. “What should I tell them?”

He flashed me a lop-sided smirk, his white teeth showing through a bit. “What do you want to tell them?” He chuckled shortly, adding, “ _’God Seven is the most amazing deity!! He made it rain cats and I played with them all night!’_ ”

I snorted. “That’s what _you_ would say.” I paused, giving it some thought. “Shouldn’t I just tell them that we’re together?”

“It’s very straight forward,” he said. “Very _you_ ,” he added again with a more genuine grin, his eyes smiling through his overgrown ginger bangs.

I hummed in agreement, unable to help my own smile from growing.

“Hey, um,” he started, cutting himself off.

I lifted my head from typing on my phone. “Hm?”

“W-was that your first kiss?” He wasn’t looking at me again, using the road as an excuse to stare completely forward.

“No,” I admitted honestly, without difficulty.

“Ah,” he sighed, deflating a little.

I quirked a brow. “There’s no need to be jealous or anything.”

He quickly shook his head, then ran his hand through his bangs. Funny, that was something I normally did when I was nervous. “I’m not jealous, I just…kinda wish I could’ve had that like you did for me, y’know?”

I nodded slowly. “I understand, Saeyoung. But you’re certainly the first kiss I’ve had in a while, and…” I trailed off, gathering the courage to say it as I returned to typing. “You’re the first I’ve been in love with that I’ve kissed…”

Saeyoung braked a little harder than necessary as the light in front of us changed to red, sputtering slightly. “Y-you’re—” He took a moment to compose himself. “Did you jus—” Again, he had to pause, finally whipping his head to me with the most distressed blush I’ve ever seen on another human being. He practically shouted at me: “Oh God, I love you too, Hye-Jin!”

I blinked, a little startled, then laughed boisterously. It lasted until the light turned green again, though I did try to reassure him. “No, I’m not laughing ‘cause you’re funny, I’m laughing ‘cause I’m happy!” I insisted when he pouted a little.

Saeyoung let out a long sigh, reaching over to ruffle my hair. “Jeez…if it weren’t for you being so cute, I’d be mad.”

I blew a raspberry at him and smoothed my hair back into its rightful place. He seemed surprised by the immature action, but when he saw my lingering grin, he knew it was only in jest, and chuckled back at me. My face was still warm from his confession and my laughter afterwards.

“I like this side of you,” he told me. “When you’re as goofy as me, I know you’re genuine about it.”

“No one’s as silly and playful as you, Saeyoung,” I said, “but I like humouring you. Maybe you bring a little of it out in me. The part that’s buried really deep down.”

“You’re only silly in retaliation,” he realized, laughing.

“Precisely.”

We sat in comfortable silence for a time before changing the subject. It was reassuring to know that we could smoothly converse about things other than ourselves or our relationship, just as we had before. Truthfully, not much had changed, which I suppose is the way it should be. A partner should be a good friend, with the added bonus of occasional romance. I could tell he was finally getting used to the new change in our dynamic, too, and though I knew that sometimes things might be difficult for us, I was reassured by the foundation we were beginning to lay. There was still that encroaching fear of abandonment or betrayal, but for once I could see things from the perspective of not only my hurt. I could see that he was also afraid, and I wanted nothing more than to prove his doubts wrong. I just wanted to be there for him.

_Hye-Jin has entered the chatroom._

Hye-Jin 22:41

_Saeyoung and I are in a relationship_


	12. XII

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You will choke on the fluff in this chapter. But there is a little angst to balance it out.
> 
> Now is a good time to say that this chapter deals with themes of emotional trauma, as will the next chapter. This occurs after the first section of this chapter, indicated by the paragraph break. If you are easily distressed by depictions of emotional outbursts or dealing with past memories of abuse, please turn back at the break and care for your well-being. If you'd like a summary of the last section so you can stay current with the story, don't hesitate to leave a comment. I'd be happy to help you.
> 
> Additionally, there is short and mature conversation about sex and consent in this chapter, but no depiction of sexual acts.

“How was your day at work?” Saeyoung chimed at me as I nestled in next to him on the thick sturdy blanket we had spread out on the grass in a clearing at the park outside the city. It was well into the night, and we had spent the better part of the last two clear starlight hours looking through his telescope to discuss constellations and glancing over our shoulders to make sure no one knew we were trespassing after hours. I yawned and clutched the fluffy quilt we shared around my shoulder further, curling my body into his and leaning our shoulders together. It was still chilly at night during early Spring, even with my thickest sweater.

“How awfully domestic of you,” I mused softly, shifting my eyes to look at him from the side with a sly smile. Saeyoung had a high metabolism, making him burn like a furnace at almost all times. I found it amusing, since the few times I had come in physical contact with Saeran, I observed the younger twin tended to run cold. Nevertheless, the warmth radiating off of Saeyoung made me drowsy, but he took the hint, wrapping his closest arm around my waist under the blanket draped across our backs.

He laughed, a soft mixture of a chuckle and snicker. “I know; it was kind of gross.”

I rested my head just under his as we listened to the night birds trill lowly. Physical affection between us was often subtle and gentle, almost unassuming, and natural. It was a relief to me, who likely would have only stressed further if that aspect had been particularly awkward. Rather, Saeyoung seemed to crave the smaller forms of affirmation, taking delight in them. “’A’ for effort. Work has its ups and downs, but today was an up. The article I shot for a few days ago has really taken off.”

“That’s because your eye for a frame is amazing,” he complimented without missing a beat.

I clicked my tongue, but a smile tugged at my lips all the same. “How would you know? With the photos you take, it’s a wonder you understand anything about framing.”

“God Seven is many holy things, but he is a mere mortal when it comes to the photographic arts,” he sighed dramatically, his body relaxing into mine with the gesture. I noted the soft cedarwood scent that seems integral to him. “Look on the bright side; at least I’m not as bad as Jumin.”

“Ugh,” I immediately returned, remembering the business heir’s uploaded photos in the chatroom. “I nearly had an aneurysm. Good gracious.” We sat in a few heartbeats of silence, and I tipped my head back up to the sky to watch the faint flickering of a cluster of stars. “How’s the cat robot coming along?”

“Programming is done,” he replied, glancing at me from behind his large lenses. “Now it’s just a matter of making sure the body is functional and adorable.” He smiled a little brighter. “I’d love a second pair of eyes to look at my blueprints. Saeran doesn’t have much time to humour me anymore.” He pouted.

I breathed a laugh. “Of course; I’m always happy to help you out.” He seemed rather delighted at that, but only showed it through a wider grin. “Have you decided on a colour scheme?”

Saeyoung hummed, the vibration permeating to me. I blushed a little, almost ashamed with how much I liked the closeness. I didn’t think I’d been so vulnerable and muddled from anyone before him. “I was going to make her white with blue eyes, like Elly, but—” he squeezed me a little tighter and turned his head inwards— “I think she’ll be black with gold eyes.” He pressed a brief kiss into my dark, short-haired head.

I pulled the quilt up to my chin and folded my knees up to my chest, emitting a small noise of weak protest and appreciation. He just laughed at me, the low, gentle sound only flustering me more.

“Who would’ve thought I’d see the _seeeerious_ Starlight Soldier be so cute?” he chirped, accentuating the word by leaning his face in even further down towards me with a devious look. As I turned my own face away in teasing rebellion, he kissed me again, this time on the skin right behind my ear. I squeaked, furrowed my brow, and immediately elbowed him in the ribs, causing a slight rift between us as he erupted into uproarious but musical laughter.

“Fuck off,” I sighed in exasperation, giggling with him even as I hid my face in my hands.

“Hey, don’t…” he almost whined, still grinning, as he pulled me close again, grasping my wrists to pry them away. In response, I merely pulled the collar of my sweater up to cover my nose. It wasn’t a turtleneck, for once, since I felt I could now wear whatever I wanted around the R.F.A. Saeyoung shuffled around me, crossing his legs and dragging me into his lap so my legs fell together to one side of him. His arms linked around my torso and we shifted the quilt into a burrito manner around us. It took a little adjustment, but we eventually settled comfortably so he was almost cradling me. It wasn’t a challenge since I easily reduced myself into a ball of limbs and oversized sweater. “There…comfy?”

I planted my head against the space between his neck and shoulder again, wiggling a little to settle in. “Very.”

Saeyoung breathed in the cool night air deeply, shutting his eyes with the inhale. “I never thought I would have this,” he admitted, his voice baring that familiar raw quality that alerted me to his emotional susceptibility. One thing I’d learned about Saeyoung was that he was a surprisingly sensitive man. It was a trait that he shared with his brother, though it manifested in different ways. Saeyoung expressed it more easily when prodded enough, which perhaps came with his gender-norm nonconformity. With me, he offered it more freely.

“Me neither,” I added, my voice incredibly small as I continued to stare up at the sky. “You know you have freckles, right? This is what they remind me of. I can look at the stars when I look at you.” I inwardly cringed at first, not sure how he’d take the somewhat cheesy statement. To my surprise, he was far from cracking jokes.

His eyes were half-lidded and tender as he slowly reached up to brush his fingertips along the collar of my sweater where my ink was showing up the back and sides of my neck a bit. “This reminds me of the earth…you’ve rooted me to the ground.”

“Hm…what does that remind me of?” I thought aloud, my eyes searching in my pondering. He waited patiently as I considered it for a moment. “Ah, ‘ _See! The winter is past; the rains are over and gone_ ’—Song of Songs, do you know that part?”

“ _’Flowers appear on the earth; the season of singing has come_ — ‘?” he recited, somewhat uncertain.

I nodded in confirmation. “I don’t have a lot memorized, but I remember that part.” I blinked, noticing that Saeyoung had turned somewhat red, but I decided not to say anything more. Instead, we watched and listened for a while, and I found that the midnight gusts of wind had begun to lull me to sleep. I relished in the slow, methodical rise and fall of both of our chests, now breathing in a naturally fallen unison.

My mind was drifting away when I heard Saeyoung mutter, “I wish this moment wouldn’t end.”

“There will be more,” I whispered back. “I promise.”

I’d spent another Sunday morning in mass with Saeyoung and returned to his house to help him out with his robotics project. Saeran was out working for the flower shop, a position of employment that suited him incredibly well. He was already discussing the termination of his contract in the intelligence unit with Jumin, offering to be taken on for the occasional commission. Computer science was never his passion, like it had become for Saeyoung. Both of them earned the skill out of a twisted necessity, but only Saeyoung had come to truly enjoy what he did.

The days were growing warmer, and now that my secret was out to the R.F.A., I easily walked about in the twins’ home in jeans and a dark tank-top, the branches of ink clinging to my exposed skin. When Saeyoung’s texts became sparse, as they had of late, I knew that meant he was being swallowed by a project, so I had invited myself over after the service to make sure he didn’t perish. It had become something of a habit of ours to work together in the same room when we didn’t have time for a proper date. I was filling our reusable bottles back up with cold water in the kitchen as Saeyoung tacked away at his computer upstairs when I noticed my phone vibrate with a notification from the messenger.

Min-Chae 16:32

_It’s not even May yet_

_Global warming back at it again_

Yoosung ★ 16:33

_I don’t think it’s that hot out_

ZEN 16:33

_Agreed_

_It’s barely hotter than normal_

_Unless of course you consider_

_My contribution_

_*wink emoticon*_

Yoosung ★16:33

_God_

_I set myself up for that one_

Min-Chae 16:34

_Sure did_

_Hye-Jin has entered the chatroom._

Min-Chae 16:35

_Hye-Jin!_

_Nice to see you_

Hye-Jin 16:35

_Nice to see you too_

_How’s wedding plans?_

Min-Chae 16:36

_Haah…_

_*sigh emoticon*_

Hye-Jin 16:36

_That bad, huh?_

Min-Chae 16:37

_Jihyun and I are astonishing procrastinators_

_When it comes to our personal lives_

_I can only imagine how difficult_

_Planning a big wedding is_

ZEN 16:37

_Hang in there, Min-Chae_

_Ah, now that you’re here, Hye-Jin_

_I’ve been meaning to ask you a question_

Hye-Jin 16:38

_Shoot_

ZEN 16:38

_How do you cover up in the summer?_

Yoosung ★16:39

_I suspect her office has a/c_

_duh_

ZEN 16:39

_Don’t be a smartass_

_It doesn’t suit you_

_Besides, what about when she goes out_

_To, y’know…take photos?!?_

Yoosung ★16:40

_Oh yeah_

Hye-Jin 16:40

_I suffer_

ZEN 16:41

_*shock emoticon*_

Yoosung ★16:31

_*huh?! emoticon*_

Hye-Jin 16:42

_I’m serious_

_I dress light, but I still have to cover up_

Yoosung ★16:43

_How do you survive working through heat waves??_

Hye-Jin 16:43

_Self-discipline_

_And a lot of water_

Min-Chae 16:43

_Not to mention that one time you got heat exhausted_

Hye-Jin 16:44

_It’s happened more than once_

_But I’m much more careful now_

_I know my limits_

ZEN 16:45

_You’re amazing, Hye-Jin_

_It’s a shame you have to cover up, tho_

Hye-Jin 16:45

_My colleagues think I’m overly modest_

_If only they knew_

_It’s all still worth it_

Yoosung ★16:46

_You really don’t regret it?_

_Even though it’s so much trouble for you?_

ZEN 16:46

_Of course not_

_Hye-Jin is dedicated to art_

_Like me_

Hye-Jin 16:47

_Something like that_

_But no, I don’t regret it_

_It’s a part of who I am now_

_I’ve got to get back to work with Saeyoung_

_So see ya_

_Hye-Jin has left the chatroom._

ZEN 16:48

_…. “work”, huh?_

_You don’t fool me_

_You better not taint our lovely Hye-Jin_

_You hear me, Saeyoung??_

Min-Chae 16:48

_Even if they were the type_

_I don’t think Saeyoung would be the only one_

_“tainting”_

Yoosung ★16:48

_Ugh I don’t wanna think about Seven that way_

_Thanks a lot_

Min-Chae 16:49

_Muahaha :3_

I opened the freezer door to introduce some ice into our water bottles after saying goodbye to the chat when I spotted a green tea ice cream pint sitting in the freezer door. After a brief investigation, I found it mostly empty; there was only one serving left. I padded over to the base of the staircase nearby and shouted up to Saeyoung, “Hey, is it okay if I finish off this ice cream?”

“Uuuuhhhh,” Saeyoung yelled back, accompanied by the faint sound of typing as he continued to work through the conversation, his mind only half on the present universe. “Yeah, should be fine. If Saeran wants more, we can just buy it.”

“Dope,” I returned, quieter this time, as I strode back to grab and spoon and pop the lid off. I was on my second bite, sucking on the spoon as I screwed the water bottle lids back on when Saeran arrived back home. “Hey dude.”

“Hey,” he replied a little weakly, sounding exhausted. When I turned to face him taking off his boots in the foyer, my suspicions were confirmed. He was slumped and slow in his movements, suggesting an overall tiring experience.

“Woah. Long day?”

He grumbled lowly, clearly annoyed. It wasn’t uncommon to see Saeran irked, sometimes suddenly and for small things or in jest, but his tone lent to a sincerely irritated mood. “Spring shipment of flowers on top of every customer under the sun asking me when we would have such-and-such a product in and getting mad at me that we didn’t have it yet. Honestly, do I look like I run the place? We don’t grow it our-fucking-selves.” I just let him talk it out as he tossed his bag on one of the booth seats and sighed loudly, combing his hair back with one hand. He already had dark circles under his eyes. “Maybe I should do horticulture and landscaping instead.”

“You’ll roast in the sun,” I offered, “but it’s up to you.”

Saeran groaned, almost sounding like a whine as his voice returned to the soft, high-tenor tone I was used to hearing from him. “That’s what I’m afraid of.”

“Want me to make dinner?”

“Oh, would you?” he almost pleaded in gratitude.

I reached back to grab the ice cream pint and stuff another spoonful into my mouth. “No proble—” I froze in place as Saeran pinned me to my spot with the firmest glare I’d ever seen him give. “What?”

“I was saving that.” His voice was so small.

I slid my eyes from him to the ice cream. “Uh…I didn’t get that far…you can have the rest.”

“Oh, can I?” he hissed, lowering his head and casting his gaze aside in annoyance.

I shook the nerves off and placed the container on the counter between us. “Sorry. Saeyoung said—”

“I don’t care,” he sighed, a mixture of tired and irked. “What he says doesn’t always go. He’s not the only one who lives in this fucking house.” Saeran was still relatively quiet, but his knuckles were white as he gripped the back of the chair he was standing behind. He suddenly let go and turned his body away, looking apprehensive and dejected. “Whatever. Forget it. Doesn’t matter.”

I felt my senses seizing up and my gaze glazing over. My voice reached a near monotone delivery as I forced my shoulders to relax and my eyes to look at him squarely. “I can buy you more, no harm.”

“I said, whatever.”

“No, Saeran,” I insisted, feeling a familiar flooding of guilt and smallness. “Let’s talk this out. I don’t want to upset you.”

He hissed like a short laugh, already moving towards the stairs. “Too late—and you’re not my therapist. Sometimes I just get mad, let it go.”

“But I don’t think we should leave this memory bitter,” I added, the ice cream forgotten on the counter. “I understand that you had a bad day and I probably triggered something, but I want to help—"

“I don’t want your fucking sympathy!” he cried, voice strained, and face screwed tight in fury. “Don’t look at me like that. Don’t look at me like I’m stupid, or broken, or crazy! Stop it!” I couldn’t tell if he wanted to scream or cry; it was somewhere in between.

“Stop what?” I asked calmly, the numbness spreading through my brain.

“Stop pitying me! Stop talking like you aren’t scared! Get mad! Your actions have consequences, and so do mine! Show me you’re angry!”

It wasn’t really making any sense, so I didn’t reply. It was clear that something I’d done something not quite right, especially after him having had such a taxing day, but I didn’t know what it was, let alone how to address it properly. All I knew was that he was angry, and it was only escalating. A part of me recoiled in fear and confusion, but no outward sign betrayed that.

“I don’t want your help; don’t pretend to be noble. You can’t invade my space and then act as if it doesn’t mean anything!” Saeran drew closer, perhaps to threaten violence, or perhaps to just physically intimidate me. As he strode right up to me, I heard the rapid and frantic footfalls of Saeyoung as he ran down the stairs and stopped short where the landing platform met the kitchen. I glanced at him, slightly panicked as Saeran backed me up into the counter. “Don’t think just because you’re with Saeyoung that you mean anything.”

I saw Saeyoung move to break us up, but my eyes snapped up to Saeran’s sharply as his words rang in my head with an incessant, loud familiarity. My eyes grew wide as my brows furrowed slightly, my fingers warmed, and my stomach turned to ice. Seeing my change in expression and recognizing his own words, Saeran immediately weakened, showing signs of remorse, and already beginning to recede. My frigid words only served to speed up that process.

“You,” I muttered, my volume low but my enunciation dangerously precise, “will back the _fuck_ up right now.” And he did. Saeran stepped back until he was pressed up against the wall next to Saeyoung and the stairs. “It might be your house, but I’ll be damned if you’re going to push me around anywhere on this earth.”

Saeran looked absolutely contrite, tears forming in his eyes as he looked at me in shock at his own actions. “I didn’t—I’m sorry, Hye-Ji—” He didn’t finish, darting up the stairs before his cracking voice gave way to a wracked sob.

Something over me broke when I saw Saeyoung. His eyes were wider than saucers, his face slack in a mixture of surprise and despair as he stood powerless to alter the exchange that just transpired. He watched me for a moment, then glanced up the stairs after his brother.

“Go, Saeyoung,” I urged, holding my arms close to my body, and turning my head away. I couldn’t bear it. “Be with him. I’ll be in your office.”

I waited until the door to Saeran’s room shut quietly, their slow footsteps and hushed voices only barely audible upstairs. I clenched my fists, my nails digging into my palm dangerously, before I let out a long, heavy breath and stretched over the counter for a moment. I was still angry, but it was twisted towards myself. I should’ve held my temper, I should’ve been gentler with him, and I knew he was having a bad day. Yet I did it anyway. I let him remind me.

I counted with my inhales and exhales, carefully monitoring how loudly my heart burned in my ears as I tried to quiet those long-buried memories. It was so hard to unfold those voices and images of the man who used to own my entire life. I knew that Saeran was nothing like him. Saeran was sensitive, cautious, intelligent, snarky, gentle—so many things that my father never was. I knew it wasn’t logical to compare them. But I had not been logical in that moment.

Ascending the stairs as quietly as I could, I slipped into Saeyoung’s office and shut the door behind me as my blood finally began to cool. I tried to work on photo edits, I tried to look over Saeyoung’s plans and lines of code, but nothing was helping. Eventually, I allowed myself to stand at the window, watching the afternoon light grow dustier before the sunset would creep in a couple hours from then. I heard them both speaking back and forth as I dried tears before they fell, but it was no where near enough to distinguish words. I don’t think I could handle listening in. Finally, some shuffling, and the hallway broke open as Saeyoung exited his brother’s room and entered this one.

I stayed staring out the window with my back to him, but he spoke anyway. “He’s calmed down,” Saeyoung whispered, voice raw and withered. I knew he had been crying, and I could hardly live with myself. I felt him draw closer and pulled myself inwards even further, my brows bowing upwards in self-pity.

“Is he okay? Does he hate me?” I asked softly.

Saeyoung linked his arms around me and rested his head on my shoulder from behind. “No, to both. He’s not okay, but he doesn’t hate you.”

“I’m so sorry…”

He pulled me closer still, leaning his head into mine as we looked out into the world together. “I know. It might have come as a shock to you then, but sometimes he’s…a little unhinged. He’s really good as managing his triggers and stressors, but there’s still the occasional day when everything accumulates, and he snaps. You just happened to be there that time.”

“He was right, though. I shouldn’t have assumed that he’d be okay with me eating the ice cream. I was acting entitled.”

“You asked me, I said it was fine—if it was anyone’s fault, it was mine,” Saeyoung reasoned. It seemed that talking it out was what he needed to take the edge off.

I sighed deeply, pivoting to embrace him properly. His warmth was everything in that moment. “It wasn’t anyone’s fault, really. Besides, I know he would hate it if I started to act differently around him now.”

“He’s terrified that he hurt you. Emotionally, I mean.”

“I’ll shake it off,” I said. “I always do.”

“But you were afraid,” he replied, holding my shoulders as he drew back to look at me. “You’re good at hiding it, but I saw. He had you like a cornered cat. I saw the moment your fear turned into claws.” His golden amber eyes were so tender, so accepting and compassionate as he held my gaze solidly, that I stared right back, unblinking.

“I’m okay,” I whispered, pressing my forehead to his for a moment.

Saeyoung exhaled as he pulled away, hands lingering with mine to lead me to the sofa chair in the corner nearby. We settled naturally as he sat back and I folded my legs on either side of his hips, straddling his lap. His head fell against the top of the chair as I carefully removed his glasses, placing them on his desk only a few inches away.

“I know that I could never be more important to you than Saeran,” I whispered, my words spoken right against Saeyoung’s hair as I leaned the side of my face into his temple.

He tightened his arms around my waist and ribs, his fingers pressed firmly into the skin under my shoulder blades. My heart squeezed and my blood warmed at the gesture, so I returned it by cradling the back of his head and rubbing my other hand down his back. I heard a small, breathy sigh escape him as he buried his face into the crook of my neck even further. Wearing a tank top left my skin exposed to his.

“I can’t imagine the pain of choosing between you,” he replied, his voice strained at the mere idea.

I hummed deeply, relishing in the vibration within my chest and throat. “I’d never ask you to. Even if I did, you should pick Saeran.”

Saeyoung turned his head inward even more, tilting his chin up to speak to me. I could nearly feel how molten his eyes looked in this moment and my brows met in an involuntary expression of longing. “I love you,” he declared, his voice so small. Perhaps he was hoping I wouldn’t hear it, or maybe he couldn’t bring himself to be any louder. “I know we’ve said it before, but you don’t have to—”

“I love you, Saeyoung.” It was easier to say than I’d expected. “I learn more about you all the time, and I love you even further.”

Almost immediately, Saeyoung drew back to straighten up and kiss me, barely giving me a chance to glance at him before our lips met. We’d shared a handful of chaste, even apprehensive kisses, but this was long, loving, and lingering. I closed my eyes to savour the feeling, it’s warmth and ease and comfort, before needing to come up for air. He must’ve been surprised when I gulped a breath, tilted my head, and kissed him deeper, because the small noise that escaped was positively endearing. It quickly became lengthy and somewhat unskilled, but our inexperience with each other was made up for with experimentation. I’d quickly discovered that he enjoyed gently biting the flesh of my bottom lip, but I managed to coax a delicate gasp out of him when I slid my tongue along his top lip.

He began a soft, feather-like trail down my neck with his mouth, and my body only warmed more when one of his hands stroked from my back to the side of my ribs and waist. Eventually, his thumb began to rub the sliver of skin on my hip that was revealed from my top riding up slightly. I was vaguely aware that I was breathing harder than normal, my gently realized arousal making my thoughts slow and threadbare. Saeyoung peered up at me, his eyes half-lidded but nearly glowing, as his other hand slipped the strap of my top down my shoulder. My nerves tingled, but I was far too transfixed to do anything. I wanted to know what he was going to do. With the lines of ink making up the branches and blossoms around my collar bone and shoulder unbroken by fabric, he planted a long, mild kiss right on a cluster of flowers, the breath from his nose brushing against my skin there.

“Saeyoung,” I murmured, my astonishment mixing with my swelling adoration. I threaded my fingers deep into the hair at the back of his neck and head, prompting a small groan from him as he clearly relished the feeling with closed eyes.

When he looked at me again, our faces were close enough to have our noses touching. “I know it doesn’t matter, but,” he began, his voice slightly hoarse, “I like them. I’ve never had a particular preference, but because it’s _you_ , I love it. The reasons you did this…it’s a permanent reminder of one of the things I love about you.”

I caressed either side of his head in the same manner I had that night at the party, our mouths almost touching again. “What do you love about me, Saeyoung?” Perhaps it was a selfish question, but I still couldn’t understand why he would want someone so different from him.

“Your honesty, for sure,” he started, appearing to have no qualms about answering my question. “Your warmth, though it is buried deep,” he added, giving me a little smirk that I reciprocated. “Your convictions. Your steady, quiet faith. Your sincerity grounds me. I know that I can trust you to pull me back when I’m pretending to be okay when I’m not. I know you’ll be there to put me in my place when I’m avoiding my feelings with mischief.” He blinked, planted a kiss on my sternum, and gave me a smug look just to fluster me. It worked; I quickly became a blushing mess. “Tell me what you love about me, Hye-Jin.”

I had a hard time finding the words, my skin still hot and my eyes wandering from the pressure.

Saeyoung laughed breathily to keep his voice low. “You’re normally quite stoic, but I like this.”

I clicked my tongue and rolled my eyes, but I’m certain my skin was still rosy. “And here I was about to say that I love your sense of humour…” I swallowed. “But, your sensitivity…it draws me. Your perception—the way you seem to know how to cut right through my defenses. It reminds me to relax with you, to be myself. Your intelligence is astonishing, and your faith is loyal.” I paused, buttoning my mouth shut for a moment but wanting to say more. He waited patiently. “And you’re really attractive. Physically, I mean.” It was so embarrassing to actually verbalize it.

He looked so twistedly pleased by my last statement, making me want to shove him, but I couldn’t bear parting just yet. It was immensely comfortable to be facing him like this, in his lap. As if reading my thoughts, he ran his hands up and down my waist and drew me in again for a kiss. “I know it’s hard to hold back in the presence of a god,” he sighed dramatically.

I gave an unimpressed snort. “Don’t be so satisfied with yourself.”

“Hmm~ well I’m satisfied with you,” he teased, making my ears burn. “Did you know your chest blushes with your face? It’s _adorbs_.”

Making a low noise of protest, I tried to push away, but his hold was iron.

“No, don’t~” he whined, leaning forward to support me as I tried to lean back. It left me open for him to kiss my collar bones again, and I pressed my hand against his forehead to hold him off, though I was smiling. In a moment of strength, he pulled me back upright into his lap, kissing me fully again.

When we broke for air, I pulled my strap back onto my shoulder, looking to the side to avoid his eyes.

“What?” he asked, watching me carefully. “Did I upset you?”

“No,” I returned quickly. “I just—” Shifting my seating a little, I gave him a look. Moving didn’t help the obvious. I steeled myself before continuing, trying to remain as clinical as possible. “You’re aroused. We should talk about boundaries, I think.”

He sighed loudly, collapsing his head against my shoulder again. “I was hoping you wouldn’t notice.”

“It’s rather apparent,” I returned, a little amused. “Not that it isn’t appealing, but I’m not—well, obviously, I have trust issues and personal preferences. I have no intention of having sex with anyone unless I’m certain that they’ll be my life partner.” Quickly, I realized what could be implied by that. “Not that I don’t think we’ll stay together! I do, I just—and of course I respect women who choose—I might be a little stuffy, but—”

“It’s okay, Hye-Jin,” he chuckled, hugging me tightly. “I agree with you. What sort of boundaries did you have in mind?”

“No sex,” I started, trying to detach myself from the embarrassment. “I’m not ready, and I’m not going to be until after vows.”

“We agree,” he said. When I gave him a blank look, he laughed a little. “What? Not all men want to jump into bed immediately. As appealing as that seems,” he explained, tightening his hold on me with the last statement as if to prove a point.

I swallowed. “I suppose…some mutual stuff…is okay.”

“Mm, what did you have in mind, Hye-Jin?” His look was positively devious, and his arousal was still evident, which did not help my current state at all.

“We can work up to it, but perhaps it’s a discussion for another time,” I returned flatly, trying to stay composed. “It feels strange to talk about this right after such an emotionally taxing day.”

He sighed a little but was still smiling at me. I loved looking at him without his glasses on. “I look forward to that conversation.” He didn’t push for more answers, which was another reason I felt so relaxed despite my awkwardness. “What are the boundaries for now?”

“What we’ve done so far is nice; I’d like it to stay this way for a while,” I admitted.

“No problem.”

I gave him an eye. “What about you?”

“I’ll tell you if you do something I don’t want,” he said with a shrug. “Other than that, I’d say it’s probably the same comfort level you have. Sound fair?”

“More than fair,” I returned with a little grin.


	13. XIII

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes changing as a person brings some emotional moments. 
> 
> Another warning for themes of past emotional abuse and trauma, which run throughout the chapter. This will be the end of that, though. 
> 
> Only one more chapter to go! Please enjoy the fluff that is to come.

Saeyoung had to spend long hours at C&R for the most recent project for the intelligence unit. He texted me periodically, mostly to complain and entertain himself with jokes throughout, so I humoured him. As the hours pressed on, even after I’d been home from work for some time, it was becoming increasingly apparent that he may end up into the wee hours of the morning. He was worried about Saeran, I knew. Then, he finally voiced his concerns.

“He’s still pretty torn up about what happened,” Saeyoung explained over the phone, finally taking a little break to grab dinner. Jaehee was around enough to say a muffed hello to me in the background before receding to find them both their meals. “And it’s not your fault, Hye-Jin. I can hear your thoughts from here.”

I sighed, trying to let go of the painful squeeze on my heart. “I don’t think he should be alone for too long, Saeyoung.”

There was a long pause, then a saddened and strained, “Yeah,” from the other end. It hurt double to hear him like that.

“I’ll go,” I said. “I won’t force him to talk to me. I’ll just go and make sure he’s fed and just hang out in your office. Sound okay?”

“Oh, would you?” Saeyoung cried gratefully, the phrase reminding me of how the same thing came out of Saeran’s mouth not too long ago.

I grinned a little. “Of course I would. You never gave me a key to the house, though…”

“Don’t worry, you’re on the whitelist for the security system. You won’t have any trouble getting in.”

“How’d you—?” I hesitated, biting the inside of my cheek briefly. “You know what, I don’t want to know.”

Saeyoung laughed lightly, bringing bright colour back to our conversation. Eventually his words became incomprehensible as he cheerfully stuffed his face and began teasing Jaehee nearby, so I let him go to head out to the twins’ house. Just for good measure, I swung by the store to grab some ingredients just in case there wasn’t much there. I caught myself smiling most of the way there, but just as I approached the front step of the lovely little modern home, the weight of the situation settled into me once again. My gut felt heavy, and I physically shrunk in anticipation of whatever interaction with Saeran would materialize.

Just as Saeyoung expected, I heard the door unlock with a click as I merely grew close, and I wondered if it recognized my phone or something more biological. Perhaps the power naps I’d taken in his office were more productive for him than I thought. I entered the house quietly, carefully removing my shoes and doing my best not to disturb anything significantly. It was as it always was—a little cluttered, but overall, decently kept home. It was, upon closer inspection, slightly dirtier around the stove area and patches of the kitchen counter, but I suspected that was due to Saeyoung’s lesser culinary skills in comparison to Saeran’s.

Rolling up the sleeves of my thin button-up, exposing the dark lines of my tattoos on my forearms and wrists, I got to work on a warm meal. It may have been summer, but the house was pleasantly air conditioned, and I knew that what Saeran likely needed was some comfort food. I recognized the sound of soft footfalls upstairs and the sound of the bathroom door closing but paid it no mind.

As I briefly cleaned and prepared what was needed, I found some semblance of enjoyment in the quiet industry of the menial task, but my thoughts were still distracted to concern. Saeyoung said Saeran didn’t hate me, but what if he was mistaken? I didn’t doubt his instincts, but it was still preying on my mind. I understood that Saeran had reacted emotionally to a situation he was not at his best to handle, but I should’ve been the more controlled person. I should’ve kept a lid on my emotions. _I should’ve minded my pla—_

I nicked myself with the knife I was peeling a potato with and snapped out of my numbing trance. It wasn’t enough to draw blood, but it captured my attention all the same. I let out the breath I didn’t know I was holding, placed my palms against the edge of the counter, and leaned over into it to collect myself again. Fear heated my blood, but with a few trained inhales and exhales, I was back to whatever normal was enough. The stove was warm and gentle next to me, and I stretched my back and neck to work out a bit of the stress.

“What are you doing here?” a voice alerted me by the stairs, making me reflexively straighten and gasp sharply. Saeran blinked, lazy and slow like a cat, peering at me with curiosity and downtrodden indifference.

“Ah,” I started, catching my thoughts along with my breath. “I-I’m, uh,” I stammered, quickly forcing myself back into a controlled countenance. “I’m just making food.”

“Why?” he asked again, quieter this time as he squinted slightly.

I shrugged. “Saeyoung’s working late. He didn’t want you to be alone.”

Saeran made a light hissing noise, turning his head away briefly. “Asshole. I’m not a child.”

“You don’t need to be child to be looked after,” I said, turning my attention back to the food. “He’s just worried about you.”

A pause. “Whatever.”

I knew Saeran to be snarky, but generally sweet-mannered. On occasion, I did see his more short-fused, cranky side, but this was on a whole other level. It was clear that this mood was ongoing, and I didn’t exactly blame him. “You want me to bring it up to you, or do you want to get it yourself when it’s done?”

“I’ll get it,” he muttered, shuffling over to the fridge to grab a juice box, his long pajama pants dragging under his heels. He continued to stand there even after shutting the fridge door and peeling apart the straw from the box, only a few feet away, sipping diligently as he stared at me. “Sorry I scared you.”

I didn’t look up. “Don’t worry about it; I just wasn’t expecting you to be so quiet coming down the stairs.”

“That’s not what I meant,” he snapped quickly. I didn’t flinch, but I did feel my chest clench a little. Saeran muttered something barely audible to me, but I could catch that it was an insult. Oddly, it wasn’t directed at me. “We gonna talk?” he asked more clearly.

I glanced at him once before returning my gaze to the task at hand. “Sure, talk.”

He sighed and rolled his eyes. “God—you’re allowed to be mad at me.”

This time, I stopped fully and locked eyes with him squarely. “I’m not mad at you.” There was no way he could accuse me of lying as I gave him my best stone-faced and serious expression.

To my surprise, Saeran smirked, but it was a dark, almost sad expression. “You’re really good at that.”

I blinked, confused. “At what?”

“You pretend nothing bothers you as a defense mechanism. You did the same thing when you realized you loved my brother. You were afraid of how it made you vulnerable, so you pretended that it didn’t affect you, and that you didn’t reciprocate. You tried to wish it away.”

I turned my body fully towards him. “Is now really the time for a psychoanalysis? I already knew that about myself. Min-Chae and my mom told me that I do that.”

Saeran leaned up against the counter. “You’re getting mad. But you’re still the same. Why won’t you show me you’re angry?”

“Does it bother you?” I inquired, beginning to understand.

“Not really.”

I laughed softly. “Now who’s pretending? It bothers you that I’m not expressing my anger towards you because it’s the emotion you’ve come to expect. Did Rika get angry at you a lot? Is that what you want from me?”

Saeran jolted, eyes shining in anger for a moment as he straightened to step closer again, emphasizing our height difference. “Don’t pity me, Hye-Jin,” he whispered, his voice a dangerous sort of quiet.

I pushed down my natural reaction. “There’s a difference between pity and compassion, Saeran.”

He scoffed. “You’re just like Saeyoung. And Jihyun. And Min-Chae. All of them. You all pretend it’s okay. You all handle me with care, like I’m made of glass. Like I’m weak.” He turned sharply to leave, spitting out: “This was a waste of time.”

I swallowed harshly. “You don’t want my anger, Saeran.” He stopped but didn’t look up. He only tilted his head to turn his ear towards me, ginger curls shifting slightly. “I saw it. When I got angry, you looked glad for a moment. You were happy you made me mad. But then I saw the fear. You were afraid of what you did, and you were afraid of my anger. As someone who has lived under the anger of someone else for many, many years, I can’t do it. I can’t do that to another human being.”

It wasn’t until he finally looked at me again that I realized my voice was wavered. It warbled stronger and stronger as I went on, but I didn’t cry. My eyes watered, but no tears came out. “Hye-Jin . . .” he breathed, eyes wide with realization.

“I don’t pity you,” I returned, strength returning to my tone. “I can’t. Because I understand. Likely not to the same level, but I do get it. But don’t forget, Saeran: I was angry. I have chosen not to show you my anger because I know that isn’t what either of us truly need. That goes for Saeyoung, too, I think. Maybe he’s bad at handling it, but he just doesn’t want to hurt you. It’s all because we love you, Saeran. Because we know you’ve been through so much. We know you’re so strong—but even the strong need to rest.”

The pot on the stove rolled to a boil, and I reached over to turn the element down, breaking our eye contact. “Ah,” Saeran said, his off-green amber gaze shimmering with moisture, but his expression otherwise clear and relaxed. “I believe I understand.”

I threaded my fingers together, padding over to him quietly with my head held down. I traced the black line of a tree branch across the back of my hand for a few seconds before splitting my hands apart to embrace him. Saeran let out a noise like I’d knocked the wind out of him, but it didn’t take long for him to return the gesture rather firmly. My heart soared with a new kind of love I didn’t know was there. It was similar to the feelings I had for Min-Chae, but in a different way. Min-Chae and I had both suffered in our childhoods, but this kinship I had forged with Saeran was of an alternate flavour. It was highlighted by my connection with his precious twin and Saeran’s naturally gentle disposition. Everything fell away, and I could finally see him without any of the pretense or struggle.

“I’ve always wanted a brother,” I said, squeezing a little tighter, my voice muffled in his shirt.

He just chuckled hoarsely.

“So, Jihyun—what is this all about?” I ran the nail of my thumb along the plastic exterior of the take-out cup I was holding, trying my best to ignore the heat of midsummer as I sat across from my best friend’s fiancé at an outdoor café table. We were shaded from the sun thanks to a lovely street tree nearby and the overhang blinders, but it was still difficult to sit in jeans and a high-collared shirt buttoned all the way up. My fingerless gloves were very thin, but I was still sweating into them. It was a familiar and practised feeling, but one I still needed self-discipline for.

Jihyun looked a little sheepish, which was an amusing expression on the tall, mint-haired man. He’d cut his long locks since the weather turned warm, the professional cut looking quite smart. Still, a part of me liked the longer hair and missed it. “I have a rather bold request.”

I rose one eyebrow.

“It relates to the gallery feature I’ve recently become a part of,” he explained, and I recalled Min-Chae giving me the details ecstatically not too long ago. I nodded in affirmation, sipping the bubble tea he purchased for me. As I chewed on a stray bit of tapioca, he continued: “I’ll have a few paintings on display, as I’m sure Min-Chae has told you—in truth, I only have a few, since I seem to enjoy taking my time—”

“Perfectionist,” I teased, offering him a smile. “Did you paint your beloved?”

He grinned a little, a surprisingly light expression on his otherwise pensive nature. “Of course. Portraiture has proven to be my first artistic phase. But I needed to let you know that I’ve also painted you.”

I blinked, speechless, and took another sip. A part of me wondered if I’d heard incorrectly. He took my lack of response as a good cue to explain more.

“I understand it might be unexpected, but let me assure you, as a fellow artist and photographer, you’ve naturally been on my mind. Your eye for perspective and your candid manner have been fascinating qualities, similar to what I admire in my best and longest friend.” I smiled a little at the mention of Jumin, who had become a good friend to me, also, since doing another photo commission of Elizabeth the Third. “I’ve mostly made do with watching carefully in your presence or photo references from Min-Chae, who has fully supported the development of the painting. Still, I felt I could not show it at the gallery opening without your approval.”

“Well, of course you may. I have some degree of anonymity, so it doesn’t particularly bother me,” I admitted.

His gaze was intense, but kind. “You must understand, with my reputation in the art world and this being my first showing for my paintings, you may lose a bit of that anonymity. While it will likely benefit your professional career to catch such attention, you may also get some of that attention from the press.”

I hummed in thought and laced my fingers together on the table. “I see. I think I can live with that.”

He nodded, looking relieved. “I’m so glad. I’ve been looking forward to showing you, but I didn’t want to spoil it just yet. But, if you change your mind at any time, I’ll have the painting retracted and replaced.”

“I appreciate your concern for my comfort,” I said, my gaze growing soft. “You’re a good man, Jihyun.”

He let out an exasperated laugh and rubbed the back of his neck. “You give me too much credit. It’s only the polite thing to do. All the same, consider this your invitation to the gallery opening. Everyone in the R.F.A. will be there, so of course you should be, too.”

I took another sip, smiling into my drink. Then, my expression grew slack, lost in a ponder.

I spent the next week with my head in the clouds and a pit in my stomach, my nights restless as I battled internally over whether this thought I had was what I wanted. At work, Haneul caught me daydreaming in the car on the way to an article or while on my lunch break. While with the twins for movie night, I found myself missing out on plot points of the film. I’d managed to get one external commission, and though I didn’t slack on the job, I’d missed my stop on the train out of distraction. Having the painting on display didn’t bother me, but perhaps . . .

“I think I’m ready,” I said suddenly in Saeyoung’s office one evening, breaking our half hour-long streak of relative silence as he tinkered away at his little cat robot and I edited photos and articles. On nights like these, we would sometimes take breaks to watch funny videos Saeyoung had found or browse media posts and memes, but occasionally we would just enjoy each other’s company quietly.

Saeyoung peered up at me over the frames of his old glasses, as he usually wore them while working at home. “Ready for what?”

“Jihyun’s gallery opening is in two days,” I said staring up at the ceiling, a swirl of dread and excitement hanging over me. “Lots of people will be there—not just for his art—and they’re going to see me, and the painting of me, and—” I paused to look at him, a nervous smile spread wide across my face—“and I’m going to wear a dress that shows my skin.”

At first, Saeyoung looked a little shocked, but then he pulled a wry smirk. “Won’t catch me complaining.”

I tossed my pen at him and it ricocheted off his shoulder has he flinched away and giggled at me. “Dork. Don’t undercut my moment.”

Saeyoung grinned from ear-to-ear, setting down the piece he was tinkering at on his desk and stooping to pick up the pen off the floor. He strode over to my place on the large sofa chair in the corner of his office, looking rather attractive as he did so, and kneeled next to me to hand it back, expression smug. I was sitting sideways in the chair with my shoulders and head pressed into one armrest while my legs folded over the other, and I closed my laptop and set it to the side to snatch my pen back with an amused snicker.

“So, what do you think?” I prompted as Saeyoung wrapped his arms around my middle and nuzzled his face into my stomach, stretching his back behind him with a long, drawn out noise of fatigue and happiness.

He turned his face towards me, still pressed into my stomach, his glasses askew. “Does it matter what I think?”

I stuck my tongue out at him for a moment. “In principle, no. But I care for your opinion.”

He yawned, a small dribble of drool unexpectedly escaping his mouth. He wiped his face on my shirt.

“Gross.”

“Sorry,” he returned with a shit-eating grin.

“Good thing you’re cute,” I mumbled, ruffling his hair.

“Aw, Hye-Jin~!” He squished me tighter for a moment.

I sighed, tilting my head back up to the ceiling, but I was still smiling. I couldn’t help it.

Saeyoung hummed in thought and it turned into another little yawn. I began rubbing his scalp with the fingertips of my right hand, which wasn’t helping him stay awake. “I think you should do what feels right,” he finally answered, his eyes a bit more focused now that he was taking our conversation seriously. “I worry about what it will mean for your job, though.”

I made an exasperated noise. “I know. I like working there because I get to take photos but . . . Commissions have been better since the party, and with this I’ll likely get even more recognition. People’s opinions about tattoos are changing, especially within our generation. I might lose my job, but that’s a gamble I’m willing to make.” I paused, giving it some more thought. My fingers in Saeyoung’s hair stopped moving. “I’m so tired.”

He pulled his mouth to the side, his brow pinching a bit in a concerned expression. “You’re tired? Of what?”

“I’m tired of hiding who I am. It’s been two—no, it’s been three years now, and I just . . . I don’t want to cover up and worry and sweat so much. I’m going to do it, opinions be damned. I’m going to show everyone that I can be this way and have a successful career in South Korea. Others have done it before me, and we need more of it.”

Saeyoung pushed up and swiftly pressed a kiss into the corner of my mouth, eyes bright. “I’m behind you. Seven-oh-seven percent!!”

I clasped his face between my hands and kissed him right back.

To be perfectly honest, dresses were not usually part of my regular wardrobe, even before I got my tattoos. Other than the dress I had worn to the party, I only had one other, and luckily, it was semi formal. It was decidedly plain in construction and colour; I had a fondness for straight-across, off-the-shoulder necklines and short sleeves, and the fabric was a soft, solid, deep plum. It wasn’t even particularly form-fitting past my hips, since I didn’t exactly have nice curves to show off. A more relaxed, tapered, a-line skirt was better for my wiry and square frame. My gray pair of mock oxfords were an easy match.

Saeyoung had arrived at my tiny studio apartment to pick me up, which was one of very few occasions that he had actually been there. He made a point to mention all the security problems in my building, asking if I wanted them taken care of and improved. I changed into the dress as my last preparation, returning to my sitting room and dining room in one with my hand pressed up against the neckline of the dress. He looked up from his phone the chair he’d pulled out from the table, hair a bit unkempt but looking smart in his dark button-up and slacks. The shirt was plum, something we’d coordinated, which was a decent match for his bright ginger hair.

I saw Saeyoung swallow as his eyes lingered. It was rather flattering, really, and gave me the confidence I sorely needed tonight. I pivoted to bear my back to him. “Could you, uh, y’know. Zipper.”

He got up with a start, and I supressed a laugh. “Oh, yeah!” I felt his breath on my shoulders as he drew close and the hairs on the back of my short-haired head stood alert. For a moment, I felt his fingertips trace the tree-like structure of black lines and blossoms along my spine. “Just out of curiosity,” he spoke softly, grasping the zipper firmly when he got to it at the middle of my back, “how far do they go? I mean, how much haven’t I seen yet?”

I chuckled lightly, waiting patiently for him to take his sweet time with something so simple. “I’d say it’s a secret, but I’m not sure that would dissuade your question.”

“Not in the slightest,” Saeyoung returned smartly, pressing a kiss on the side of my neck once he’d finished.

Turning to face him, I diligently smoothed over the part that was coaxed into his bangs earlier. He was due for a haircut. “About . . . to the small of my back,” I began, now brushing some small curls behind his ears, “otherwise, you’ve seen everything else. Ankles and legs, wrists and arms, shoulders and upper chest and neck . . . that’s it.”

He cocked his head. “None on your stomach? I’m a little surprised.”

Our eyes met as I adjusted his glasses carefully. “No, in case I decide to have children. The ink would stretch.”

It was like it suddenly dawned on him. “Ah, makes sense.”

I kissed him gently, trying not to betray the tremor in my movements. He likely knew me too well, now.

“You’re nervous.”

“Of course.”

I couldn’t bring myself to say more.

I can’t recall the journey to the gallery. The next thing I remember was standing outside of the building, clutching Saeyoung’s arm and halting before the steps. He watched me carefully, his patient amber gaze steadying the feeling that the ground was going to disappear below me. I rationalized that I was likely working myself up more than necessary, and that everything would be fine, but it still felt like the end of my tiny little world. But this was what I chose. I wanted it so badly. And I was going to show the world.

“Perhaps, for the sake of your reputation, we should—”

“Nah,” Saeyoung interrupted. “I don’t have much of a reputation to have a sake for, Hye-Jin.” He gave me a small encouraging smile. “Besides, why wouldn’t I want the most eye-catching woman on my arm as I walk in?”

He managed to make me laugh, and I marvelled at that ability. “You’ve got it backwards,” I said. “I _am_ the most eye-catching, for better or worse, but I’ve got a striking man on _my_ arm.”

“Oh, I beg your pardon, _Your Majesty_ ,” he mused, letting me lead us in.

Eye-catching didn’t begin to describe it. There were more people here than at the party, though most of them circulated more quickly through the walls of art. I almost felt bad about detracting from the attention of the pieces, but I was more preoccupied with keeping my head held high despite the stares. For some, they quickly grew used to it, but for others, they kept lingering. The few American-looking patrons and visitors didn’t bat an eyelash, which put me a bit at ease.

Saeyoung and I moved slowly through the ensemble of works showcasing several talented modern artists of various styles, but it seemed to move from the most abstract to the more realistic in an appealing gradient. Jihyun possessed a more painterly, but proportional, style, so his work was further towards the end. We passed Zen on the way, who was particularly entranced by a puzzling symbolism piece, and Jaehee, who was charmed by a still-life.

Finally, I spotted Min-Chae mingling with what looked like a journalist, right next to her fiancé, as usual. Jumin was also there, looking as indifferent and cold as ever in the presence of the press, as small a presence as it was. My spirit immediately brightened upon seeing her, and then I saw the three works Jihyun had on display. I let go of Saeyoung’s arm to stride over rather quickly and held my breath, forcing myself not to rush.

They were exquisite.

The first was of Jumin in profile, gazing off the side of the long landscape orientation of the canvas. Oddly, Jihyun had placed him in the last third of the frame, his back to the rest of the space. It was filled with the twisted branches of an oak tree in full burnt autumn colours, some behind him and others in front and amongst him in the frame, looking like they were going to swallow him up. His expression was stern and cautious, but also ever so slightly sad. It made me wonder what inspired it: perhaps a conversation? Or an event in their lives. I recalled learning that Jumin’s mother was no longer in his life, which was something they had in common, and I considered that it was perhaps related. _Overgrowth._

The second was of Min-Chae sitting on their apartment balcony in a white summer dress that blended into the white powdered snow that fell from the gray sky and accumulated along the railing and the floor. The dark shadows of the inside of the house contrasted greatly with the brightness from outside, as if she were sitting in a pool of white light. Her skin was rosy, and her breath frosted from the cold, a watery quality highlighting her gaze as it wandered beyond the far corner of the canvas. Her dark brown hair danced in the wind and nearly disintegrated into the atmosphere, and on her fingertips was a rain lily. Tones of blue and yellow brought the white to life, and somehow the rain lily appeared even more vibrant compared to the background. _The Zephyr Lady._

The last was of . . . me. It was slightly less romanticized than the others and was the inversion of Jumin’s canvas. It was long vertically, taking in most of my frame until my mid-thigh. I was dressed in my spring wear: a thin, dark weaved turtleneck, a forest green pullover hoodie, skinny jeans, fingerless gloves, and beanie hat. It was the same outfit I wore when I met up with Jihyun and Min-Chae for more wedding planning just a couple months ago. I was in profile like the others, my thin fingers grasping my camera close and watching through the lens off the side of the canvas, perpetuating the pattern across the three pieces. My expression was pure and undisturbed, with only my interest in what was not visible somewhere beyond the viewer’s vision, but not to mine. The colours were generally cool, the green of my sweater receding into the blue mist of the rain all around me. From my black head of hair grew a small, newly sprouted almond tree, just two little blossoms at its tip. _Protégée Surpasses._

“Excuse me, Miss,” came a stranger’s voice, breaking me away. It was what I suspected was a journalist speaking with Min-Chae, Jihyun, and Jumin. Saeyound was nearby, just as enthralled as I was in Jihyun’s artistry.

I blinked blearily, trying to pick up the pieces of my scattered mind. “Yes?”

The journalist wasn’t particularly interesting to look at in comparison to the paintings, but I did my best to focus. “Are you the subject of this last painting done by Kim Jihyun?”

“I, um—”

“Yes, of course,” Jihyun beamed, stepping closer to me to rejoin the conversation and save me. He noticed that my tattoos were on full display, but quickly took it into stride. “Miss Moon Hye-Jin is a very close friend of my fiancé, and since she is also a photographer, quickly became an important friend to me, as well.”

“Miss Moon, it is a pleasure to meet you,” the journalist introduced, offering a handshake and his name. “I’m one of the very few press representatives that has access to the gallery directly tonight when the artists are present for the opening night. I’ve been picking Mr. Kim’s brain for the better part of a half-hour. Tell me, what was your first reaction to his work?”

I took in an apprehensive breath, already very aware of how he glanced at the markings on my skin, many questions on the edge of his lips. “Well, of course it is positively ethereal to look at. I’m rather mesmerized. As Mr. Kim explained, I’m very close with his fiancé, so seeing her in such a wonderous framing and artistic vision only does her justice. Likewise, Mr. Han Jumin has become a friend of mine through them over the better part of a year now, and I was pleased to see him part of the collection.”

“And seeing yourself as a subject?”

“I had already known that I would be, but I did not have the privilege of seeing the result until just now. I am extremely honoured to be considered Mr. Kim’s protégée.” Strangely, talking carefully and thoughtfully was beginning to put me at ease as the man continued to scribble down notes and hold his voice recorder steadily towards me for quotes.

“That’s right, Miss Moon; you are the official photographer of the R.F.A. now that Mr. Kim has begun his career in the painting arts. You were present at the most recent party that the charity organization held. Will you continue to be a staple member?”

“As far as I know, my work with them will continue.”

“Would you say that you’ve learned much from Mr. Kim, as your elder in the photographic industry?”

I genuinely smiled at him, pacing a little away from the paintings in order to let others view it unimpeded. Jihyun followed, hovering as a gentle supporter in the conversation. “Of course, I have learned priceless techniques and skills to adapt to my own style of photography.”

“You’ll never find anyone with an eye like Miss Moon’s,” Jihyun praised. “Whether it be for a professional article or purely artistic commission, she always finds a new perspective or appealing framing to bring out an untold emotion from a scene.”

“You do flatter too much,” I returned fondly.

The photographer seemed amused by our exchange, continuing: “It’s clear you two are very close, as with the rest of the R.F.A. But Miss Moon, it’s also very clear that your artistic aspirations and views extend beyond the lens of a camera. There were rumours that the newest member of the R.F.A. had inked skin, and now I can clearly see that is the case. Would you care to comment on the origin of your decision to get tattoos, and why you display them at formal events?”

I gave a brief glance at Jihyun, and then Saeyoung, doing my best to keep my expression solid and unwavering. “You can always say ‘no comment’,” Jihyun muttered discreetly, though the journalist could clearly hear him.

“That’s true, you can refuse my question if it makes you uncomfortable,” he affirmed. I was surprised at how courteous he was being, but I supposed that there was a level of decorum that was required in the more popular and professional new outlets.

“No, it’s alright, I’ll answer,” I agreed, taking in another long breath. “I have a full understanding that tattooing is something rather taboo to our society, especially with the older generation. I’ve been living with many hard-to-cover tattoos for about three years now, and to be frank, I’ve grown tired of hiding them from the world. I got tattoos because I wanted them, because I thought they were beautiful, and because I wanted that kind of beauty on my body. It’s not for everyone, but it is being cast in a more favourable light with the younger generation. I wanted to set an example, but also work to make it something more normal, more expected, and more accepted. It’s very important to me that everyone feels comfortable in their own skin, whether it be with vitiligo, acne, mono-lids, stretch marks, tattoos—you name it. Obviously, I’m not the only example, nor should I be. Tattooing was my choice, while others don’t have a choice in the features of their skin. This is just the start.”

The journalist took a moment to jot a few more notes, then clicked his recorder off and nodded to me respectfully. “Thank you for your time, Miss Moon, Mr. Kim.”

I merely nodded, watching carefully as he left, then let out a long exhale in relief.

“Can’t say I expected that,” Jihyun admitted, but he was smiling at me. Min-Chae and Jumin had watched the whole thing unfold, and my best friend rushed in to hug me excitedly.

“You were amazing!” she cheered, thought not above the volume of the calm conversation in the gallery.

“You handled yourself very well,” Jumin chimed in, nodding in approval.

“I think I’m having palpitations,” I sighed dramatically, but grinning through it all the same. Jihyun chuckled as Saeyoung picked his way through a few people to join the circle, reaching to hold my waist and press a kiss into the side of my head.

“Palpitations or not, you were stellar, _starlight_.”

I let out a short, tired laugh. “Can I go home now?”

With every little victory in life, there tends to be something that threatens to drag you down. Sometimes, it’s okay to let things show. It’s alright to be battle weary. Saeran and I figured that out together, but I didn’t realize that it would come to such a tangible head so soon. It was the day after the gallery opening, and Min-Chae and Jihyun were now fully swamped with wedding planning, early party planning for the next New Year’s Eve, and managing the overwhelming positive response from fans and admirers of Jihyun’s work. Saeyoung and I were lounging on the couch together, doing our best to relax after spending a short afternoon out in the sun. It was breathtakingly freeing to be out in a t-shirt and shorts for once, but the heat was still difficult to manage. Air conditioning coming at a decent pace, we melted into the couch, and I was grateful that it was not made of a particularly sticky material.

“Never again,” I groaned, stretching out my legs on the coffee table, not caring that it was bad manners. “Heaven help me; I hope I don’t burn.” Saeyoung flopped at my side, leaning into my shoulder before I pushed him away immediately. “I love you, but not yeeeeeeeettttt.”

He relaxed into the other side of the couch. “Yeah, never mind. That was a bad idea.”

He used his phone to adjust the lights and air conditioning settings before reaching for the TV remote and playing a video from his phone. As a kid who didn’t grow up with much, I was always amazed at the tech that Saeyoung had installed himself around here. I didn’t really pay attention to most of it, preferring to just listen vaguely and watch him, wishing I had my camera right in front of me. He only became more attractive to over the last few months, and I quietly admired his sharp jawline and even features as he watched the screen. I could tell he wasn’t really paying attention, either; he just wanted background noise.

Saeyoung noticed me staring and tilted his head, staring right back with his light amber eyes.

Then, my phone rang, vibrations violent against the back-pocket underneath me. I reached to snatch it, seeing a number I didn’t recognize. It was in my area code, so I shrugged and went ahead with it, motioning to Saeyoung to pause the video.

“Moon Hye-Jin,” I greeted, waiting patiently for a response.

The reply was a bit crackled, but my body felt an instant unease that I couldn’t explain. “Hye-Jin? Is that you?” It was a man’s voice, that I was sure of, but it was still too broken to tell why I felt an odd familiarity. Saeyoung gave me a concerned look, sitting up straighter, and I merely gave a bewildered shrug.

“You’re hard to hear,” I said a little louder.

“Oh it’s—service—one sec,” the stranger said, and then shuffling. I suspected he was trying to walk to a place with a better signal. “There, how’s that? Hye-Jin, it’s so nice to hear your voice.”

My blood ran cold, and my muscles weakened. I nearly dropped the phone, and I saw in the corner of my vision that Saeyoung reacted to whatever change in my expression occurred. I could only imagine that I’d turned pale and slack. Slowly, without saying anything, I placed the phone face-up on the table and pressed the button for speakerphone. Then, I brought a finger to my lips at Saeyoung.

“Hello, _appa._ ”

Instantly, Saeyoung jolted to full attention, having a look I could only describe as protective. He moved closer instinctually, as if a threat were imminent. I moved a hand to slow him down.

“How have you been, Hye-Jin- _a_? I’ve missed you.”

I grit my teeth, but still, I was unmovable and frigid. I hated hearing him use my name with such an endearing honorific. Selecting my words very carefully, I said: “I’ve been well, _appa._ Was there something you wanted to say to me?”

“Well, yes, actually,” he said, sounding marginally more pensive. For a moment, I hoped for his contrition, but I was still skeptical. Saeyoung shifted closer still, glaring at the phone like it was the man himself. “I saw an article with your work in it the other day. You’ve become a successful young woman with this photography thing. I never would’ve guessed it, but you’ve got talent, kiddo!” He laughed, prompting me to lace my fingers together and press them against each other until it hurt. Saeyoung reached out to grab one of my hands, pulling them apart to hold it between us.

“Thanks, _appa._ I’ve been working hard,” I said robotically. I briefly wondered why I was still talking to him, but a part of me really desperately hoped he would at least say something decent and I could conclude all of it without much fuss. To distract myself, I looked at Saeyoung’s hand and began tracing patterns in the freckles there with my eyes.

“I also found out recently that you’re related to this R.F.A. thing, and well, you know I’m a businessman, so of course I know about Han Jumin being a part of it, too. Then last night, I had this great idea for a business deal. But don’t worry, it’ll give you a good slice of the pie, too! So maybe if you can manage, you could introduce us sometime, yeah?”

I gripped Saeyoung’s hand even tighter, a mixture of seething hurt and anger welling up in me. Even still, I kept a lid on it. “No thanks.”

There was a long hesitation on the other end, and I held in a lungful of air. All I could hear was my heartbeat in my own head. “Is that any way to talk to your old man?”

I didn’t respond.

“Hye-Jin, are you still there?” he asked, and I could tell by his tone that he was becoming annoyed.

“Yeah, I’m still here.” I felt I could hardly breathe.

Another laugh. This time, more strained and frustrated. “Look, kiddo, I know we left off on a rough spot the last time we talked, but I thought you’d jump at the chance to strike up a deal with me and your friend. It could seriously set us both up for life. Don’t you wanna give this a chance?”

I ran my hand through my bangs. “I don’t need you.”

Another pause. He grew quieter. “You always were pretty ungrateful,” he said lightly, but it was a thinly veiled insult. “After everything I did for you and your sister growing up? Despite me and your mom splitting up, we did a lot to make sure you two had skills to survive a cruel world. You’re not going to pay that forward a little?”

I snapped. “You did nothing for us—everything good that ever happened was because of _eomma_! Everything! She protected us from you, she divorced your useless ass, and—God give me strength! A good father doesn’t cause his eldest to run away to Canada because of him! A good father doesn’t throw his youngest out on the street telling her she’d likely starve because she wouldn’t even be able to make it as a whore!” My voice grew in volume and shrillness until I was certain I hurt my throat by the end. I was clutching my knees in one hand and Saeyoung’s in the other as I pitched my head towards the phone to screech at him.

“What good are you that you won’t even acknowledge how I put food in your—”

I rolled right over whatever else he was about to say. “How dare you call me after I did everything for my own success to exploit my connections for your own monetary gain? You are an absolute waste of space and I only hope that you beg on your hands and knees for God to forgive you for what you did to all three of us all those years before your ass is sent straight to Hell!” I paused to think and suck in another lungful, ending my last few words to him with a hissing tone. “If you even breathe in my general direction again, I will have no qualms about filing a restraining order—”

I hesitated, feeling my anger bubble lower until I could think clearly again. I glanced at Saeyoung in astonishment, not entirely sure what caused such an extreme outburst from me. My father had finally fallen completely silent, and I didn’t feel the need to yell anymore.

“ _Appa._ I hope you turn into a better man, but . . . I don’t want you in my life ever again.”

I hung up, then blocked his number. I realized my hands were shaking as Saeyoung pulled the phone from them, placing it back on the coffee table and coaxing me to turn my body towards his on the couch. At first, everything felt odd. I wasn’t numb in the manner that I’d trained myself to be so often, but my senses weren’t sharp, either.

Then, a sob. It was deep, but relatively quiet. Still, it felt voluminous and stark against the silence of the living room. Hot tears ran quickly out of my eyes as I scrunched up my face in sorrow. I flicker of shame shone through the blinding emotion of many years of hurt pouring out all at once. It was embarrassing that Saeyoung watched it all unfold, and I tortured myself with how I hadn’t just hung up as soon as I realized it was my father.

Yet, as my face grew overly wet and my whole body shook with wracked sobs and whining cries, he was right there, and . . . his eyes were damp behind those clear lenses. His fingers laced with mine, and his forehead pressed up against mine, and his heart was right next to mine. He was right there.

It was the first time Saeyoung ever saw me cry.


	14. XIV

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There are consequences to one's actions, but life has a funny way of working.

“Miss Moon, good morning,” came the serious but comforting rumble from my boss’ low, sombre voice. I’d just set my camera bag down at my desk to begin for the morning when he strode up confidently to my little corner of the office. I was already considerably on edge; it was the first time ever that I had gone to work with my tattoos showing. I wore a simple, clean black button-up with the sleeves rolled up and one collar button undone, showing my marked forearms and a bit of the patterns on my neck. There was no use in hiding any longer after the piece done by another news outlet about Jihyun’s work and influences. I’d only been mentioned briefly in the article, but already I had gotten many more hits on my website, dozens of emails asking for commissions, and a couple asking for interviews regarding my unusual personal tastes and my work. I wasn’t sure whether to be flattered or disturbed, but it was certainly overwhelming.

My boss was a good man. He was a family man, kind, understanding, and made a personal effort to make sure all of his employees were happy and working efficiently. Refreshingly, he handled complaints with grace and, on the rare occasion that it had happened, always believed the victim of sexual harassment cases. He was courteous and graceful in all things, and perhaps most importantly, he was extremely good at leading our news company in a specific, driven direction. He reminded me of a slightly less socially awkward Jumin, in many ways.

“Mr. Cho, good morning,” I greeted back, doing my best to be light and unflappable, despite the circumstances. I straightened to look up at his somewhat handsome and relaxed expression, smoothing over the front of my shirt and holding my hands against my waist there. I already knew what was coming, particularly once I’d seen the look in his eyes. “I gather you’d like a conversation in your office?”

He smiled, though it was a little grim. “Always perceptive. Indeed, please join me, Miss Moon.” Mr. Cho welcomed me to follow him with his body language, giving an inviting inclination of his shoulders and head as I slipped into his quiet, clean office and took a seat across from his desk. I couldn’t help but press my knees together and thread my fingers tightly, clenching and relaxing my jaw cyclically.

Mr. Cho took his time getting comfortable, clearing a tickle in his throat as he briefly clicked at his desk mouse to rearrange something on his desktop computer. After a few moments of tense silence, he readjusted his seating and scooted closer, propping his elbows on his desk, and leaned in as if about to share a secret with me. Instead, I was met with a face of absolute understanding, which set me somewhat at ease.

“You probably already know what this is about,” he began, his tone gentle and deep. I caught his gaze flicker towards the black tree branches snaking up my wrists. I was already getting used to the sideways glances from others in public and even in the office before he approached me.

I nodded pensively, forcing as calm a look as I could. “Yes, sir.”

“It is against company policy to have an employee with tattoos, let alone showing them,” he explained, but I could tell that those weren’t his words. “How long have you had them, Miss Moon?”

I swallowed, doing my best to meet his eyes squarely. “Almost three years now, sir.”

Mr. Cho leaned back in his chair with a long sigh through the nose. He placed a hand on the armrest of his chair and swivelled it to the side slightly before turning back to me perfectly forward. With the other hand he held his chin in thought for a moment. “You’ve been an exemplary employee here for almost two years. In truth, your skills with a camera have developed well past your school portfolio, and you elevate every article I assign to you. I hate to lose you.”

I bit the inside of my cheek. “So, this is notice, sir?” He nodded again, this time sadly as he closed his eyes and allowed the news to sink in. I felt a warmth gather around my eyes but refused to allow any shine to begin there. “It . . . has been an honour, sir,” I managed to offer, voice a defeated mutter.

“If I could have it my way, I’d keep you on and only ask that you cover up for assignments,” he admitted, his voice a little stronger in a spark of frustration. “But, as you may already know, I only run this operation. I don’t own it, and my superiors were very clear. I’m not to have ‘a person like you’ working for this company.” He shrugged when I blinked in surprise at that. “Their words, not mine. Your involvement with the decently well-known R.F.A. organization and their head—the artist—has led to some more attention, I gather?”

I nodded in affirmation.

“While I’m sure you can take care of yourself with further employment, whether it be through your connections or through commissions, I’m still going to exercise what control I have. You can no longer work here, effective immediately, but I’m going to continue to pay you your wages for the next month.”

I took in a rapid inhale through my nose as my eyebrows rose considerably. “Sir, you don’t have to—”

“No false humility, Miss Moon. Shut up and take the money,” he laughed softly.

I cracked a grin, brimming with amusement thanks to the tension diffusion his little joke provided. “Thank you very much, sir.”

“Additionally,” he continued, leaning his torso forward on his desk again, “I have the ability to commission extra staff if I need to. You’re top of the list for the larger pieces. As long as you’re not a permanent employee, there’s nothing they can do about it. Can I count on you?”

I nearly burst with excitement. “Yes, sir!”

He smiled, a kindness in his eyes like I’d never seen before. “Very good. We’ll be in touch, Miss Moon. In the meantime, it pains me to ask that you clear off your desk space and say your goodbyes to your colleagues. I understand you have something of a friendship with Park Haneul.”

I nodded, standing up to excuse myself from the room. I was still a little dazed as I approached the door and swung it open, still processing all that had happened in so little time. Mr. Cho’s voice stopped me dead in my tracks.

“Oh, Miss Moon. A question if I may?”

“Of course,” I replied, craning my head back with my hand still on the handle.

His look was intense and burning with intrigue. “Hye-Jin.” My eyes widened at the informal address. “You really had us all fooled. Why throw all that caution to the wind?”

I pivoted my body fully towards him. “I look for truth in my life, whether it be through my career or in my personal concerns. I believe in the candour of art, and . . . I believe in the sacredness of promises. I could no longer endure being dishonest, both to myself and others.”

Mr. Cho looked down at his desk, then back up, giving me a last grimly pleased expression before I stepped out.

As I carefully piled my meager desktop possessions into a supplied box and cleaned out my workplace laptop onto the cute little camera thumb-drive Saeyoung gave me, someone approached my desk. It was now well into the first hour of work, and I gathered from the odd glances and hushed whispers that the news had spread around the office nearly instantaneously. It was a relatively small community, so I expected no less. Oddly, I felt nothing but a weird mixture of relief and sadness. I was not exactly pleased to leave, but there was a freedom in shedding this all off in favour of a more independently driven career. It would likely be harder to manage my finances, but I was open to the numerous possibilities that were now laid out before me. All I could think about was telling my mother and the group chat. I thought about how much more time I might get to spend with Saeyoung.

It was Haneul who towered over my desk in all his string-bean glory, peering down as he waited for me to acknowledge him. He wasn’t subtle about his staring. I paused in my packing just as I folded the lid of the box and placed my desk pothos plant on top.

“So,” he started, rubbing the back of his neck, looking like an awkward teenager. “This is it? You’re going?”

“Yeah,” I returned simply.

He gave me a flimsy smile, his brows pinching together. “I-I’m really going to miss you, Miss Mo—Hye-Jin.”

I blinked at him saying my given name. Then a sweet smile spread across my face, and I let out a disbelieving, breathy laugh. “I’m gonna miss you too, Haneul. Don’t worry, though. Boss says he’ll commission me from time to time. You can’t get rid of me that easily.”

He returned the light chuckle. “I never would’ve guessed—” he cut himself, suddenly looking embarrassed about what he was going to say. I waited patiently as he shook his head and started over. “Never mind. It doesn’t matter. They really suit you, by the way.”

“Thanks,” I said genuinely, throwing my camera bag over one shoulder as I hoisted the box onto my hip and gently cradled my plant. “Let’s get some coffee some time.”

He beamed at me. “Sounds great.”

Cicadas cried out from far off under the brunt-orange sunset of a mild and glowing late-August evening. The sky moved steadily with voluminous clouds and a brisk wind. In a grassy clearing guarded by large trees, the air swirled with a warm breeze that carried with it the spice of the earth. Though clearly soft and looked after, the ground was dashed with wildflowers and patches of mossed stones. Sometimes, city life was far too distracting to remember that places like this truly existed. It was as though a sacred being of some kind had called this place its own. With no structure in sight but a simple lattice white archway with weaved bluebells and baby’s breath, it certainly felt blessed. To Saeyoung and I, it was like a place of God.

Where better to witness my closest friend and sister-like kindred spirit wed her beloved.

Min-Chae was practically jittering as I hugged her just beyond the treeline. Jihyun and Jumin were likely doing the same at their end of the clearing, awaiting Jaehee’s signal to proceed and meet us in the middle for the ceremony. It was beyond what I imagined but leave it to Jumin to find the best possible location of the couple’s dreams. Through some branches I could see Yoosung, Zen, Jaehee, and the twins standing quietly in anticipation of witnessing such a beautiful moment. They were all dressed to the nines in pristine white suits with light blue accents. Jaehee was in an equally lovely and modest white a-line skirt dress with a sweetheart neckline and short sleeves. Weaved and pinned over the left side of her chest was a sprig of bluebells and baby’s breath, just like the archway. The officiator was also a fine-looking woman in her middle years, appearing sharp in her white pant suit and electing to have her sprig of flowers in the jacket pocket like the men.

I briefly smiled while admiring Saeyoung’s fine form in his tailored suit, waist slender and causing a craving for a hug. I quickly returned my attention to my friend, who was trying her best not to crumble from nerves. I clasped Min-Chae’s hands in mine, curling a lock of her ethereal light brown hair behind her ear. It was intricately but loosely braided in a natural style that coiled at the back of her head and held in place with pins and flowers at either side. Mirroring her, I had my own little bundle of flowers secured behind my ear with my stylishly slicked-back pixie cut. Her dress’ sweetheart style displayed her smooth complexion and collarbones as it did in mine and Jaehee’s dresses. The stark differences in her attire was the detailed lace tracing the cuffs and neckline, and the skirt reached all the way down to her flat-shoed feet, skimming the ground.

“Say something to me, Hye-Jin,” Min-Chae begged quietly, her eyes wide and alert in an anxious look. “Tell me something to bring my courage back.”

I smirked at her. “You know inspirational speeches aren’t really my thing.”

She shook her head. “No one else could tell me exactly what I need to hear. It might seem like a lot of responsibility, but I know that anything you say or do will lift me up to seize this moment. It’s why you mean so much to me.”

I thought carefully for a few moments, searching her expression with my eyes as I searched my brain for the right words. “I’m only as good as I am with words because of your influence,” I said, “and it’s all because of your wondrous strength.”

“I’m not strong like you,” she protested. “I’m not strong like how you steel yourself for anything and ride right through whatever anyone throws at you. Even when you stumble, you never let it get to you.”

I chuckled lightly, casting my eyes to the side for a moment. “You’re wrong about that. You’re strong because you don’t steel yourself. You wear it all out on your sleeve, and we need more of that in the world. There was someone who made me stop and wonder. He stopped me in my path and suddenly, all I wanted was for him to be right there, walking beside me. That’s what this is. You and Jihyun are going to meet there, in the middle, and you’re going to start that path, side by side. Hand in hand.” Our eyes locked together, and I grinned. “Go be with him. I’ll be right here.”

She embraced me again, this time even tighter. I couldn’t breathe for a moment, but it was worth it.

Jaehee gave Jumin and me the signal, and so we began walking out in front of our charges. I watched carefully to match Jumin’s pace, and he was kind enough to be equally attentive in shortening his stride, so we’d meet exactly in the middle. We bowed gently to one another, and our eyes met in friendly understanding before repeating the gesture to the officiator and stepping to the side, perfectly in line to await the bride and groom. I stole a little look from Saeyoung standing just behind and beside me, who winked in return. I could’ve sworn he was a bit flushed from our exchange.

Finally, we all observed in wonderment as Min-Chae and Jihyun glided into the scene, both of them beautiful and glowing with joy. It was a palpable delight that struck the hearts of everyone present and stung our eyes. For the soon-to-be wedded, it was as if we weren’t even there; the world fell away from around them until they were face-to-face, only a foot apart. I could tell they were itching to touch, but perhaps too awestruck to move for each other.

The ceremony was a simple affair, and while both exchanged tear-jerking vows, it was, strangely, after the signing of the certificate that was the most emotional. The officiator was just wrapping up by announcing the new status of the couple and all of us witnessing the trade of love and commitment between them when Saeyoung threaded his fingers with mine discreetly at our sides. I shifted my weight to draw closer to him without stepping away and squeezed his hand.

With the wedding rites completed, our small company erupted into cheers and congratulations, which was when the water works really started for both Min-Chae and Jihyun, the pressure now completely off their shoulders. The officiator excused herself from our uproarious laughter and chatter. I side-hugged Min-Chae again even as she was still rightfully clinging to Jihyun’s arm, my other hand still linked with Saeyoung’s.

Suddenly, I perked up. “Camera!” I exclaimed, ditching my stiff shoes to cut across the clearing and jog over to the vehicles we left a short distance away, my friends’ laughter at my reaction trailing behind me.

The next hour of waning daylight was spent enjoying a late-evening picnic, courtesy of Jumin’s arrangements for catering, and me catching shots of the precious memories. Most of the R.F.A were very photogenic, but the center of attention was the naturally gravitating couple of the event. Eventually, Saeyoung pulled me into sitting on the massive quilt we laid out for the picnic, forcing me to join the circle.

“C’mon and eat something, Hye-Jin,” he coaxed me rather sweetly.

“Stop working and enjoy the moment!” Zen agreed cheerfully, already on his third drink.

I grumbled a little, but there was a wide grin on my face as I scrolled through the recent photos to show Saeyoung. We sat with our heads together, shoulders touching and his hand resting on my waist as we viewed the shots. Yoosung, Min-Chae, and Zen began giggling to themselves like schoolgirls until we looked up to find them eyeing us up with mischief. Jumin seemed vaguely amused, Saeran was smirking, and Jihyun and Jaehee were exasperated by the others’ behaviour.

“What?” Saeyoung and I asked innocently in unison.

Our doe-eyed looks made the group erupt into another loud round of laughter.

When I returned to the car to pack away my camera for safe keeping before the others thoroughly got into their cups, Saeyoung walked me there, side-by-side. He remarked, smugly, that it was the gentlemanly thing to do, but when we were out of sight of the others, I recognized the thoughtful expression on his face. His eyes were wider but watched something far away, and his shoulders slanted in relaxation as we approached the vehicles. Our footfalls against the gravel path leading to the remote spot were the loudest thing around us, followed closely by the chirping cries of evening crickets and the long harsh cries of cicadas. The sun was finally giving way, and the first few stars of twilight flickered into view.

A loud snap marked me taking a picture of Saeyoung, his ginger hair ruffled and eyes shining bright gold, prying him out of the trance. We grinned at one another before he pulled the back door to the car open to allow me access to my camera bag. I heard him draw a long, deep inhale, taking in the crisp air as the world cooled from the late-summer heat, and I felt my body mirror him reflexively.

Then, just as I reached for the zipper on the bag, fully intending to make our way back to our friends’ celebration, he broke our happy stillness.

“Is this,” Saeyoung started, his tone bearing the kind of tender quality that alerted me to a beautiful sentimentality, “something you want?” As the question hung between us, he continued to look up along the horizon before his eyes slid towards mine and locked with arresting impact. He was being vague, but I knew what he meant; I was starting to really catch onto his thinking, especially when he was so sensitive and soft-spoken.

I finished my task, straightening my frame, adjusting the skirt of my dress, and slowly moving to close the car door beside me. I leaned back into body of the vehicle, easily grasping Saeyoung’s hand to do the same close to me. Blinking heavily once, I regarded him with such a feeling of love swelling in my chest.

“Of course I do. Someday,” I replied, lacing our fingers together and squeezing.

Saeyoung squeezed back. “Wish I could take you to some space station high up and away from everything right now.” There was a tint of humour in his tone.

I rolled my eyes a little, smirking. “And leave Min-Chae and Jihyun on their day? Never.” A brief pause allowed me to watch his face break into a thin grin. I stretched my head up to watch the light fade. “Besides, I’d rather pick a cold day in autumn and meet under a sky full of stars.”

He leaned his shoulder into mine warmly. “Alright, you win.” It didn’t seem terribly hard for him to admit. “But no taking pictures from you that day, promise?”

I pretended to grumble. “Fine. Twisting my arm.”

Nothing was better than his light, breathy laughter in that moment.

_Min-Chae has entered the chatroom._

Min-Chae 15:08

_Since Jihyun and I_

_Are spending our first anniversary abroad…_

_We decided to announce some news in the chatroom!_

_*blow-kiss emoticon*_

_Kim Jihyun has entered the chatroom._

_Hye-Jin entered the chatroom._

Hye-Jin 15:10

_*raised eyebrow emoticon*_

_I’ll admit I’m intrigued._

Kim Jihyun 15:11

_I’ll admit I’m quite at the edge of my seat_

_Let’s wait to see if some of the others arrive_

_ZEN has entered the chatroom._

_Jaehee has entered the chatroom._

Kang Jaehee 15:14

_Mr. Han is busy, but I’m just having lunch_

ZEN 15:14

_Lunch now??_

_You should eat more regularly, Jaehee…_

Kang Jaehee 15:15

_It’s no trouble_

_I just couldn’t get away from the latest project_

_Pancakes for cats_

_*cries emoticon*_

ZEN 15:16

_*angry emoticon*_

_That rich brat…_

_Honestly, he doesn’t pay you enough_

Kang Jaehee 15:16

_Perhaps we should redirect our attention_

_To the more important matter at hand_

Hye-Jin 15:16

_Good idea…_

ZEN 15:17

_You’re right, sorry._

_Min-Chae, Jihyun,_

_What is it you want to tell us?_

Kang Jaehee 15:17

_I hope it is good news_

Hye-Jin 15:17

_If it were bad_

_Min-Chae would’ve called me first_

Min-Chae 15:18

_It’s very good news_

Kim Jihyun 15:18

_In our opinions_

_*happy emoticon*_

Min-Chae 15:19

_Jihyun and I_

_Have decided to adopt_

Hye-Jin 15:19

_!!!_

_*gasp emoticon*_

ZEN 15:19

_*huh!? emoticon*_

Kang Jaehee 15:19

_*wow emoticon*_

Kim Jihyun 15:20

_Yes, we’re very excited_

ZEN 15:20

_Congrats!_

_Wow, a kid_

_That’s crazy…_

_And I’m still single_

Kang Jaehee 15:21

_My most heartfelt congratulations_

_If I may ask_

_What inspired your choice to adopt?_

Min-Chae 15:21

_So many children are in need of a good home_

_I just thought one less in the foster system_

_Would break a cycle of hurt_

Hye-Jin 15:22

_I think it’s amazing_

_And we’ll be here_

_It takes a village, after all_

_I’m sure Saeyoung and Saeran_

_Will spoil them rotten_

ZEN 15:22

_If I don’t first_

Min-Chae 15:23

_Speaking of which_

_The adoption process will take some time_

_But we’ve already considered god parents_

_Very carefully…_

Kim Jihyun 15:23

_It is a bit circumstantial…_

_And would require the consent of those in question_

_Of course_

Min-Chae 15:24

_In such an event that they are still together_

_We want Saeyoung and Hye-Jin to be god parents_

ZEN 15:24

_OMG_

Kang Jaehee 15:24

_*shock emoticon*_

_I second that:_

_omg_

Hye-Jin 15:24

_…_

Min-Chae 15:25

_You’re not upset_

_Are you, Hye-Jin?_

Hye-Jin 15:25

_Of course not_

_If anything, I’m utterly honoured_

_I don’t know about Saeyoung_

_But I consent_

_Whole-heartedly_

Min-Chae 15:26

_*cheer emoticon*_

_Thank you, Hye-Jin!!_

Kim Jihyun 15:26

_We knew we could count on you_

ZEN 15:26

_No offense, but_

_What if Hye-Jin and Saeyoung break up?_

Hye-Jin 15:27

_None taken_

Min-Chae 15:28

_In that case, the custody would be shared_

_Between Hye-Jin and Jumin_

Kang Jaehee 15:28

_I doubt that Hye-Jin and Saeyoung_

_Would part ways_

_I think they are very compatible people_

ZEN 15:29

_I agree_

_Speaking of which_

_Hye-Jin, you’ve been dating him for a while_

Hye-Jin 15:29

_I suppose so_

Min-Chae 15:29

_You gonna make an announcement any time soon?_

_*blow-kiss emoticon*_

_No pressure ;)_

Hye-Jin 15:30

_My, how passive-aggressive of you_

Kang Jaehee 15:30

_It seems rude to pry on this subject…_

Kim Jihyun 15:30

_I’m curious, too_

_But don’t feel obligated to answer, Hye-Jin_

Hye-Jin 15:31

_If I may use a familiar language to all_

_Saeyoung and I_

_Are negotiating the life-companion contract_

_*smirk emoticon*_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow. This fic has been in the works for a while--far longer than the time I've taken to post it chapter-by-chapter. I put a bit of my heart in most of my fics, but this was quite intense. I really want to continue to write for the MM fandom, especially for Saeran, Jumin, and Jaehee (my favourites). Unfortunately, it may take some time to craft another tale as carefully as I have this one. If I get there, Hye-Jin will likely return for a cameo, so to speak.
> 
> Thank you to those who have stayed alongside the updates with such encouraging comments. I know that it's difficult for lots of people to get into the first-person, named 'reader' stories. It warms my heart and brightens my day every time I read your lovely words. Like many writers, I turn that positive feedback into a stronger will to give more.


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